Tuesday, 5 April 2011

odd. old aidan friend. life.

when i was 17 years old, i was nothing but an innocent young kid, that had had no more than a little innocent fumbling. one day, i was coming back from college, and i stopped into asda at this mini shopping complex called the beehive (the only remotely insect like thing about it being a steel HIVE sculpture in the middle) to get some soya milk. as i was walking out listening to NIN CLOSER this geeza apprehended me and tugged my earphones and put one in, proclaiming to love the beat or something.... didn't care for that, no, he told me what lovely eyes I had. being a little 17 year old twerp with no self-esteem i was overwhelmed by his niceness. a couple of weeks later, as he lived but about 10 mins from me at the time, i bumped into him again on mill road. we talked, and he asked how old i was. as he was 27, and i 17 he proclaimed to say i was too young which naturally I thought outrageous!!! you never can tell a teenager they are too young. boy was i pissed. but again... i bumped into him later on and well, my immaturity obviously didnt exist or maybe he was just a major perve who didn't care! no, he was not the latter, i was a very grown up teen. but yeah, so he eventually gave me a chance to talk to him properly. not before long, i went round his, and i had sex with him. this was my first ever actual sexual partner. before i had fumbled as you call it, with the crappy attempts at handjobs and whatnot. i wondered if he actually ever believed me. i just kind of let him take the lead.... and in between meeting up with him again id embarrasingly type into google "how to give a blow job" or "how to have sex". lets just say, i shared a computer with my mum so one day she was typing in "how to..." and a multitude of sexual acts appeared. luckily, i had a liberal mum. hell, i wasn't 13, i was 17, i guess she was relieved i hadn't been having sex as a kid and got up the duff or something. anyway.... am i the only person who got to have sex with somebody first time round and they actually were really good and respectful etc. etc. however, i started getting into heroin big time. he would come over and i would be puffing away on heroin, and i dont know how ( i am going to ask him) i just lost touch. i have changed my number like 7 times a year due to my phone getting stolen etc. etc. but he maintained the same one. my mum had it on her phone so sporadically i have sent a txt to him. i sent one a few months ago promising to get in touch and see him. i didnt because i am a cunt. but he text me last week, and i said I WILL see you. and i kept that promise. i went round and saw him friday, and left sunday. it was a really happy time. i told him, admitted everything that had gone on during my heroin addiction as he wasnt there to see an iota of it. if he had, he wouldnt be talking to me now. i should have probably lied and said id had a wicked easy life but hey, thats not what friends do. i feel a bit selfish, i just went on and on about myself. oh well, im sure he doesn't mind. it was so nice to meet him again, because he is like a male version of me (in the sense he understands what it is like to not fit in with society and the general population- he doesnt try to top himself or swallow bits of glass or bleach or anything- at least i dont think). it made me happy to see him. very happy. i am never happy. oh, now i've said that, i remember im not. i was with him until sunday afternoon, this morning, monday am 4am i got up and was vomitting so badly for about an hour, obviously all the bile and crap was up within 5 or so minutes, and the rest i was just retching and retching, spit that was basically blood. it scared the shit out of me because towards the end i just couldnt stand up anymore and had to lie on the floor, i couldnt lean up into the toilet so i just let myself vomit down the side of my cheek, and let it roll onto the floor. pure fresh blood. now my back hurts so much i cant sleep. its 1:08am and thats fine, not late but i cant get comfy, im kneeling on the floor typing on this for some relief. i just feel so ill. i have a lot of tablets, but tablets are risky. the only guarantee is a noose. and train tracks. i am so sick and tired, its going to take so much to get through the next few hours, im not sure about the day, or the week. i have totally had enough. as much as i was happy to see my friend, its just made me realise barely anybody is understanding like him. im going to do a spot of self-harming; im going to now slash my feet and neck (not the jugular, this is not suicide or an attempt) and then go to sleep. ill be happy then. or content, or whatever. im just bored. sad isn't it, most people my age would get off going out and pulling somebody, having sex, an orgasm, a big bar of chocolate, a fight... i just dont get any of those nice sensations unless its at my own expense. 21st century spoilt 20-summits, eh? dump us in an african ghetto and then see how much we hate our lives.

7 comments:

Laura said...

I hope you feel better soon Naomi. I don't think that you should feel bad that you are not cheered up by a bar of chocolate, many people are, but their problems and experiences are normally less damaging.

Many people may not understand, but you have friends that try to understand and that is what's important.

I hope that makes a bit of sense.

Myself, when i am sad, all that can cheer me up is cutting myself off from human contact, which i'm sure is not normal either, but we all have our coping methods.

Well done for keeping going. xxx

Laura said...

Oh and remember you can always call me if you need to. xx

pinkpressthreat said...

That last sentence, Naomi..that's why I started following your blog; why? Because, for all the pain that you've been going through of late, you still try to put some kind of perspective on things x

Julien Scanlon said...

I think you can get it back, but yeah, I think one of the things that has often depressed me after using is the numbness to other things. Sex never feels the same way, and a lot of things are like that, but I think a lot of it is psychological. Maybe people can get it back through a combination of things, including better relationships. It's good that you can express it so you're aware though I think. Good luck anyway and keep it going, the recovery.

John said...

Hey, how you doing, sorry things seem to be hard right now.

I just wanted to drop in and say hi, and thanks for giving my blog props and twitter.

I appreciate it - every little bit of it.

John x

Cadan Henry said...

i guess i don't see into the detailed anguish as much as the writing which i enjoyed. i see a gold coin ahead in the road.

C

angelinferno said...
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