Wednesday, 25 May 2011

6 months pregnant

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my doctor said my constant 24/7 sickness was my stomach ulcer....

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and the swollen belly my liver damage from alcohol, which was also causing the rapid weight gain.....

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but i learnt on the 12.5.11 that i was actually 6 months pregnant (at least)


i have another scan tomorrow, that will confirm exactly the age. everything appeared normal, no abnormalities, thank god. size is good, accurate to the date, but it could have been concieved even earlier and the baby is undersized for its gestation, but the nurse was pretty confident it was not the case. i have completed an alcohol detox, have not drunk a single drop for 11days and believe it or not have no intention to.

i was so shocked when i found out. i had not been with anybody since i split with the dad last year, until April this year. the gp, the midwifes etc. all done examinations before the scans and could feel absolutely nothing, and couldn't locate a heart beat (which the baby doesnt start having until 8 weeks i think) even blood tests, where the hCG hormone levels can determin how far gone you are said i was 4 or 5 weeks. i was so happy, that it wasn't the bastards, whom i cannot call that now. civil. must be civil. my sister came with me to the scan, and i just had a feeling that with my luck, i would have the violent, drug-addicted thief for the dad. and so i did. when she said 25 weeks, i was stunned. i just stared at the ceiling and couldnt comprehend a thing. i was so stunned. when you listen to a gp, who weighs you weekly, tells you you wont concieve with no periods... you dont think pregnancy will happen. i had no idea. they asked if i wanted to know if it were a boy or not, i couldn't speak, my sister did for me but even she could tell it was a boy already as they had switched to a 4D scan. usually, you have to pay for that, but I think the lady scanner was worried i was lacking maternal feelings and wanted to envoke some by showing more than just the grainy black and white images i got above. I was worried I had no maternal feelings, but now I know I do, because I would never have given up alcohol for anyone or anything. But it was as easy as pie. I even had alcohol in the house, went to eat in pubs with my mother (we saw the monkees at the albert hall in london on the 19th, and it was the first time i had had fun sober for years) and just totally resisted and didnt crave a drop. i hope no damage has been done. i pray. and pray. and pray.

i told the dad. i thought he had a right to know. and his parents and both sets of his grandparents. has he bothered? no. he didnt even ask how i was, and i was in hospital as i hadnt felt the baby move for days and his heartbeat was extremely low, and i was in there for about 8 hours being monitored. did he ask, care? no. i sent him the scan pictures and he hasn't even looked at them yet. i got so depressed yesterday, i just couldn't comprehend how he couldn't care about his son. i have this scan tomorrow, and it will show any problems, and he says he cannot come "his car is in the garage". aidan is going with me. im cringing at the thought of them going "oh, is this the father?" and me having to say "ummm.... no," but i need the support. sad isn't it, the babies own father cares not an iota, yet some other bloke does.


so yes, my son, estimated to be born 24.8.11 oddly, the day my dad was found dead. well not that odd, there was a 1 in 365 chance! just what to call him? what goes with CAVE. I love Carson. Everyone I know hates it.


I am going to be a mother in less than 3 months *pinch*

6 comments:

Fractalmom said...

I am happy for you. I think it's bloody wonderful and that you will be a brilliant mom! You have already given up alcohol. that is one fucking hell of an accomplishment. Feotal Alcohol Syndrome usually isn't so bad for the first baby, but it gets progressively worse as you continue to have children. That is a fact, not just conjecture btw.

are you still on the gear? I hope not. Heroin doesn't have that many effects on the baby (I have 2 grands that were born addicted, one to heroin one to methadone - I have custody of them, their mom never quit using). If you are still on gear, don't stop. get thee to a clinic and get methadone or it will kill the baby if you try to stop cold turkey.

I wish you all the best in the world for you and your son.

Maybe, you will become addicted to HIM, and leave the other crap behind now LOL.

<3

Anonymous said...

I really really think this will be the making of you . A huge congratulations

Gledwood said...

This is a surprise and a half :-)

CONGRATULATIONS!! Wow!!!!

No wonder you've been feeling under the weather... what with multiple factors going on at once... I was thinking about you sicking up your juice the other day and thinking how rough it is that they make somebody sick like you drink that sickly syrup... and it was probably morning sickness all along!

Coooo!! We all have to practise cooing ~ for the new baby ;-)

BMelonsLemonade said...

I love the name Carson. A child will change everything, solidifying this process of being clean for you. At least that is what happened to me. I was clean for a while when I got pregnant, but he is the reason I stay that way. And as for maternal feelings, they will come. I really did not get those maternal feelings until after he was here. I feared I would not get them and that it would be really hard, but once he was born it was as natural as anything. My son has changed everything for me. It is the best thing that has happened to me. (His name is Lucien.) I decided on his name about a week before he was born, and it is perfect for him. The name will come to you. And as far as doing it on your own...I think it is better this way. I am a single mother, and it really has given me strength I never knew I had. Sometimes it is hard, but I think it is better than having to try to agree with an asshole baby daddy anyway. A jerk will often hinder way more than he will ever help, so why even bother with him. You don't need him...you can do it on your own! Congratulations!

bugerlugs63 said...

hi, Congrats
have read some of your past posts, dont generally venture beyond Gledwood, lack of time, but noticed on his side bar your good news.
I think u will be a real good mum, you are a good aunt.
often exes first reaction is to run and bury their heads. My first two boys fathers' were already exes by the time of the birth but they gradually "showed interest" I not proud of the way ive done things but i got 3 beautiful children by three different fathers, and for the most part we all get on. Christmas dinners can be very interesting ;-)
I dont know much about your ex, but people will say, if hes a bastard, keep him out of it. Very easy said. He might also change and it is his son too. it can be a frightening time, but i know from what ive read you have your mother & sister who are close and im sure they will be supporting you.
I will follow your blog now along with gledwoods. I still have a very small habit. as although people say, well you have got a reason to give up the gear now, it is not that easy.
I really hope it goes well for you Naomi, you will love that baby boy, once they are born the "mummyness" will kick in. and the name will grow in the first few days or weeks ;-), all the names i had thought of went out of the window when i saw the babies and gradually they became ***** etc
all the best for now and keep on blogging,
with love
di

Anonymous said...

i love carson! my feeling is that you are a multitude blessed. aiden is in your life for a reason and this baby boy is god-sent. blessings