Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Parenting dilema #1 of many

Happy Smiley Carson
I'm in love and happy with my son and yes, I once used to scoff when I heard such things as "they make life worth living" or "they are the light of my life" but I no longer do. Well, actually, thats not correct, I still do as I think 'come on, can't we be a little more creative?' but I get it now. I understand. Its the truth. I can't put into words what I feel for this little lad. I love my twin nieces and nephew beyond belief, but despite this great love for them, it differs to this. I shall note it is not less. I cannot put my finger on it exactly but I suppose it is because my nieces and my nephew had my sister, their Mum to be the protector. But with Carson, I know he depends totally exclusively on me. There is nobody else that will do that. So I have to be OK 24/7, there 24/7, oncall 24/7... Already things are starting to split me in half. My sister got her degree last year and had been searching for a job for ages but had no luck. The market in the UK didn't hold out much hope of throwing up a part-time job for her so she agreed she would look after my son while I was at University until a space became available at a nearby nursery. As it happens, the waiting lists are either shut or open but with no hope of a place until at least September 2012. So, I'll have to get a childminder, if I can. But that is where the split comes in; although my Nanna was a childminder, who was absolutely brilliant and most of the kids she looked after called her Nan too, in my experience I haven't come across many people with this personal touch. My nan is 85 now and although she does look after family kids, I don't want to make her have the baby. Don't get me wrong, she loves her grandkids and great-grandkids but she is retired now for a reason. My son is just hard work! I'm still not getting to sleep in my bed as he refuses to be put in his moses basket so I have to sit up with him all night, and during the day he refuses to be left alone even for a second while I go take a piss! He starts screaming hysterically! I fuss him like hell (well, cut me some slack, I am his mum!) and in a way, I really don't want to leave him, but if I have to, my sister was first choice. But I'm glad she has got a job. I was actually due to start uni on September 12th, after giving birth on August 5th but University here in Cambridge offer January starts thank god, so I jumped at the chance when they offered me this. I would love to leave it till Sep 2012 but I can't unless I want to pay double as University fees are going up.  If Carson werent here I wouldn't care about the debt, but the whole point of me wanting to go to Uni is to get a degree so I can get a good job to look after him and make sure he is OK. So, its stay at home and end up an extra £10-15k in debt or go now and have him looked after by someone I don't know. That thought simply already fills me with dread and makes me sick. I just picture undercover programmes on unfit nannies who maltreat the kids, articles on sex offenders whose inknowing partners were childminders... Ha, I feel like this and I'll only be leaving him one day and two half days a week! So... as of now, I'm madly going around trying to get care. I hope I can handle it, I'm sure I can. Things are going well, but the past is always there lingering, especially like it tends to in small places like Cambridge. I don't know, I'm being applauded in many ways but its like two steps forward, and two back all the time. I'm stationed in this exact place, and I can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes I wish I was just totally down in the dumps again, thoroughly miserable, hopelessly depressed. Sounds odd when right now part of me can be happy. Though, when its like this, I find it a million times worse. Because before, there were no glimpses of happiness, and it had been so long since I'd felt it, I'd long forgotten it. Now I get the occasional flash, or rush when I'm with my boy and it just brings a wave of sadness right after as I know for me, its unobtainable, as it was for my Dad and many other relatives and it frightens me what affect I will have on Carson as he grows older, or how he might be affected genetically.
I try not to think about it too much. I try and just focus on my boy, who right now is sitting on my lap. He will be eleven weeks on Friday 21st. Judging by all the people from the drug scene in Cambs who have had their kids taken away, kids don't always change you to such a degree you completely change. So far, all my habits have but most worryingly, my thoughts haven't. It's odd, I'm not depressed but I know I'm not cured. There's something in the water still.