Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Little update for now

The weather here in Cambridge is absolutely beautiful. I'm just sitting in my rocking chair, eating philidelphia bagels and cherries, enjoying the view of the trees outside my window against the bright sunny sky. It is no countryside view, but being born and bred in the city, its what I am used to and I find it beautiful still in its own way; even though fields after fields as far as the eye can see are replaced with houses! But I find something rather curious when thinking of all the people that live in such close proximity to me; thinking of their lives, what they do, how they feel, where they are from... I've always been a keen fan of people watching. I remember every time I went to London I would go upstairs to the Wetherspoons in Victoria Station and get a drink and sit out on the balcony overlooking the departures board. I loved to watch the hundreds and hundreds of people passing in and out, the goodbyes and the hellos after long absences. I love people, hence why Sociology grips me so much.

Speaking of sociology, I am just finishing off my sociology essay on marxism. College has now finished, and I just have to get in my last bits of work in order to pass my course. My last unit in sociology was a research project we had to conduct; I do hope its ok and I pass. It would seriously, seriously break my heart if I didn't. As this was the last project, and due in last week, it leaves the time to amend it should it be rejected at virtually zero. I'm sure I will be ok, I've got through everything else. I guess its natural to be nervous about it, even more so now I have my university place in September, and my son being born days before that month. I had applied for university, and indeed started by course, long before I both concieved and found out I was pregnant, so I will say clearly: I did not have a baby as an incentive to turn my life around! On my last post I recieved a rather curt comment about what a tragedy my pregnancy was, and how babies shouldn't be used to get clean. I know this and I didn't do this, and well, my reply is in the comments section also. Having said that, obviously, I am determined more than ever to suceed at university (and life) and my drive to work and get a career has increased by a million. I think thats natural for anyone that becomes a parent.

I am so busy I seldom get time to stop and reflect on my situation. I don't get time to pause and take in how utterly mad the situation is. With all my symptoms described to the doctors, and being told I had a stomach ulcer and swelling of the liver, I didn't look elsewhere for any other possibilities; especially since I was told pregnancy naturally for me would be pretty much an impossibility. And having never had a period since the age of 17... well, that speaks for itself. I don't remember much from being at the first scan and being told I was 6 months pregnant, especially since I was told I was 4 WEEKS pregnant, so I was expecting that. I don't give myself much credit, if any. But I was told how well I was, and how well I had done; from recieving a shock like that I instantly adapated and didn't have so much as a cigarette (well, I'd given up smoking anyway but people have them when in shock, right?) or a stiff drink. Yeah, I thought, yeah. I know people without alcohol problems who found out and got drunk, so for somebody with poly-drug misuse issues, I think I did pretty well. Again, I was clean from street drugs from last year before the baby was concieved so I didn't stop because of him. I was changing for me, because I was tired of living how I had been.

Before I discovered I was pregnant, things were on the up, but now, its even better. Relationships have changed dramatically; my mum and I get on amazing. We were always close, but my behaviour made things fraught. Not any more. Same for my sister.

I am off out with my Momma to do some shopping, a little breath of fresh air before I have to return home and finish my essay. I have spent so much time indoors finishing off my work I think I am developing cabin fever!!! I kept on telling myself "just finish these essays, then you can RELAX!" but nope, once I am finished I have to decorate the flat, then put up the cot, sort out storage, get rid of some of my clothes, pack up my craft stuff and put it in the attic, finish baby shopping, pack a hospital bag, write my birth plan, decide whether to go to Bradford 24 days before my due date (afraid of going into labour there!!!).... people are telling me I should be enjoying some 'Me' time as its the last I'm gonna get of it, but I can't really, too much to do!

I'll write some more later, more baby stuff, me stuff etc. etc.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

so much has happened... just a little snippet for the moment

It is 5am in the morning, I haven't been to sleep all night, but then I was at Aidans from Thursday so I slept weird hours. Slept all day yesterday and didn't wake up till 9pm, so technically, why would I have needed to bed down? I just done it really to not make any noise to wake my sister or her son, Louis (the twins are at a sleepover). I slept in the girls room and watched "The House Of Sand And Fog" starring Ben Kingsley & Jennifer Connelly. I was going through my sisters DVDs and I had never heard of it, but she assured me it was good. I took it upstairs after we watched 127 hours, about the climber Aron Lee Ralston who got his arm stuck under a dislodged bolder for precisely that long, becoming free only after he had been forced to amputate his lower arm. I remember originally reading that article in the paper and wondering how the hell you could bring yourself to do something like that; I think I would just give up. But you never know until you are put there I suppose- there is nothing more scary than death to most people, so the amputation would be the better option. I tried to sleep, or send myself to sleep by reading but it didn't work, and because I had been without the internet for days I went on that, then I tried the film. Had me glued, I really recommend it. Also had me crying to at the end, which I seldom ever do (cry, that is) EVER. I'd left the curtains open and watched the sun come up in the background.

Lots has happened, I have had 3 scans now and the last one took an extremely long time, as it was done by a specialist. It was in 4d and was to check for any problems etc. indepth as obviously, I've been running about for 6months not knowing I was carrying this little child inside of me. Just by the grace of god, before his conception I had just got my life together, I had come out of hospital where I had had that op and I started to really tire of way things had been for the past 5+ years; which meant no drug usage. So that is one thing the boy hasn't been subjected to, luckily. I am starting to think it was because I stopped using that I managed to become pregnant. I hadn't had a period in years upon years, literally, since I was around 17 or 18 max. So was I just about to, but one of my eggs found a snug cozy lining and inbedded itself in there just by sheer, sheer chance? I have never been pregnant before, and my gp was pretty sure I would not ever get pregnant, hence why they never linked my symptoms (chronic sickness; at least a few times a day, ten+ times at its worse, weight gain, stomach area enlarging which was thought to be fluid retention and swelling of my liver) to that possibilty. I got given a little biology lesson and my midwife told me how once released, an egg only survives for 12-24 hours. So considering I only slept with the Dad once in that month, thats sheer luck (bad or good; you decide. i thought it was bad at first, but cut me some slack, i was told i was to be a mum in less than 3 months). I go again this Thursday. I went last Thursday, the 2nd, which was the scan in 4d with the specialist and one thing of slight concern popped up, though they didn't make a huge fuss about it, and my momma, who was a midwifery student about 6 years ago but has now returned to work as a general Nurse visiting people at home who cannot make it out e.g cancer patients in their last days, folks who have been in very bad accidents and cannot get to the doctors as its too painful/difficuilt etc. etc., didn't either- and she medically, has more experience than I and would have understood it a lot better. So if it didn't alarm her too much, I could gauge from that that I shouldn't either, yet. This is what is up... the third scan showed that he had not grown, and abdominally he had actually decreased in mass. These were 3 scans 7 days apart each. Obviously, this instantly made my stomach lurch, and the happiness I felt at him telling me throughout the scan my baby was appearing perfectly formed and without abnormalities, disappeared as quick as it came. He told me not to worry. Not to worry? You have just told me my baby hasn't grown since last week, and has infact, decreased in size round his waist!!! He told me though, there was probably a good reason for this, so I should chill. The baby was lying in a really awkard position (like he has done EVERY time. the sonographers have got me to thrust my hips, jump up and down, wiggle but he wont move!) so he needed to do an internal scan (a transvaginal- hey, this is pregnancy & childbirth... leave your dignity at the door! lots of probing, poking, etc. to ensure a healthy baby is carried and delivered). This scan which lasted near to the hour was done internally as opposed to the "normal" way you see it done with jelly on the belly. He told me that an internal tends to be much, much more accurate than your basic ultrasound. So he thinks that chances are, he has just had much more time to measure the baby, in lots of different angles and has the measurements correct to the T, whereas the others were off a bit. I hope so. I'm praying. I thought two weeks, I have to wait two weeks!?!? but obviously, there was no point in me returning in a day or so or a week because he wouldn't have grown or god forbid, not, enough for them to realise if its a) or b). I spent the first 3 or 4 days after worrying myself sick, then I thought, come on relax, focus on positive things, because I couldn't see myself lasting for 2 weeks like that. To distract myself I tried my essays & projects, that I have less than a month to finish- pressure! Then tidied and cleaned my house, its a one bedroom flat and I shall be living in it for the foreseable future, then looked at baby essentials I need and tried to plan out my finances a bit better. Then, to cheer myself up, I went to Aidans where like two weeks previously, I spent the time with him doing nothing but giggling and giggling. He told me I was one of the funniest people he had ever met, and I agreed that it was the same for me with him. By far he takes the funniest male crown, my sister the female. I find it fantastic I feel so laid-back with him and we have the same taste in films, shows etc. and we have seen a lot of the same stuff. Basically, he appreciates the things I appreciate and since I'm pretty diverse and odd when it comes to humour and what I find amusing, its unusual to find a match. A match in humours? Is that what you call it? It's great with him, I'm glad I did lose touch with him for a while as I wouldn't of liked to have seen him in the state I was in. No. Way. So happy I have got back in touch with him and picked up where we left off with our friendship. I'm used to having friends that are purely there for their own benefit, and nowhere to be seen when one is really needed. He is an exception to that, by far. Bless him. Not many people would give up their home to a waif and stray undergoing a detox, but he did. And I can't express my apprecation enough. I was thinking of having my sons middle name as 'Aidan' but nothing is set in stone yet.

4 weeks and 2 days without a drink so far. I really don't know how I have done it, I think the first reaction of a "Normal" person, let alone a drug addict, upon hearing the news you are 6months gone would be to have a stiff drink or at least, really really crave one. I have been by myself a lot of the time and have not had the slightest urge to buy a drink. I have eaten lunch out with others drinking, and have not once craved alcohol. I am not gloating to anyone else with alcohol problems, as its not easy at all to do, I am not advocating getting pregnant to stop yourself drinking, because I know a lot of people who carry on regardless... just what with all this stuff I need to sort out in less than 3 months, the last thing I need is to be battling drink cravings. Luckily, they have been completely obsolete. I always knew alcohol made worse my anxiety & depression, but I never really realised to what extent until I stopped. I am much, dare I say it... better? I'm wondering, is this how I will always feel if I stay off alcohol, is this how it is sober? Because I am told pregnancy does some crazy things to your mind, and I'm starting to wonder whether I'm on a mad crazy happy high that will suddenly disappear after the birth. I hope not. But even if it were, I am glad for the reprieve.

So, it is now 8am and I can hear the Louis is awake. 15 months he now is, and he is starting to really chatter away. He is absolutely obsessed with cars! And expresses this by repeating the word over and over and enthusiastically ripping up the motoring sections of the daily newspapers, getting rid of the text so he can be left clutching images of various motors. I am so happy I am having a little boy. Not sure why, as I never wanted kids or thought about having them, so I never even went over the thought in my head as to what sex would I like my children to be should I ever have them. Anyway, I will leave you with this scary picture; the specialist who done my 4d scan printed off about 30 pictures and he pulled off this one and said I could have that one as "it wasn't that good, so he didn't need it". Oh, I thought. You have to pay for the 4d scans and subsequent videos and photos (to my knowledge the hospital don't do it, its independant places, i think they use 4d strictly for medical need only, not just freely as an extra) so I am suprised I got one really, as they are used for medical reports and notes. It wasn't clear enough to be used in said notes, and as case studies are used for practise, revision and to teach future medical practitioners, it was surplus to requirements- so I got it. It was a bad one, looking up from under the babies chin. It looks quite scary, and it looks as if he has a massive massive pair of lips if you look :) hehe. I can assure you he doesn't, look again, and you will see his top lip and find it is normal, but its hard to make out anything bar the nose and yes (again, its taken from an underneath angle so its not great). Oh well. I got to see him on screen for a while again. My momma was there, and the position I was in 2/3s of the time meant it was only her that got to look. She has twin grandchildren, and a grandson but this is the first time she got to see them on a 4d scan. Things are great with me momma and I these days, our relationship is wonderful.

P.S the reason I wanted to write a post was because of something I was thinking about in the early hours as the sun came up. and i totally forgot to write it. maybe thats a good thing, as it means it disappeared from the forefront of my mind where it was getting at me. as i was lying on the bed, unable to sleep, i got my skin doctors pregnancy cream and started massaging it into my tummy. after i have done that, i leave my tummy out while the cream absorbs so it doesn't get on my pjs. i felt the boy start kicking and i looked down... i was captivated, because he was moving and i could visably see it. watching him go from one spot to another, it reminded me of a waterbed and what one looks like when its moving once you have gotten off it. my momma told me she remembers sitting in the bath watching me move from one side to the other, that was at about 8 and a half months, so i didn't expect it this early. it was lovely, and so... weird. i must have watched him move about for about 20 minutes. and then, i got sad. i got sad that carl doesn't appear to give a damn. he stayed in touch after i told him, and we txt one another daily, but it was i who initiated it. i was kind of, making sure he was involved early on so there is a better chance of him being there for his son later on. he never responded straight away, like I would. he would leave it hours and the responses were so strained, like he was really put out at having to do so. he knows the situation with the baby, and how i find out whether he is ok this thursday. i doubt i will hear from him before then. i know it must have been a shock for him too, and i can't say how he will be until after he is born, as who knows- it may change him completely. but from what i gather, this hasnt been the major turning point he needs to get his life together. I know its different for the woman, as she carries the baby, and I had no option but to stop drinking and get my life together (well i did, but not if i wanted to keep this baby and raise him as best as i possibly could), and maybe he will see the boy and it will make him want to change himself too. He hasn't asked about his birth (e.g when he can come to see him, names, how we will share his care) and anything after that. His parents know, and they are nice people, they love their 2 existing grandkids to death, but will it be different with mine as the existing 2 belong to their daughters, this is their sons child. I said to him I don't want any money, thats not the reason I contacted him. I just have this nasty feeling he will carry on using drugs (he said he only occasionally uses but I suspect thats because he runs out of money, not because he is able to ration... but i might be wrong. Though my gut feeling suggests he will carry on leeching off his parents, letting them (well more his mum) baby him and not giving two hoots about his son aslong as he gets his drugs. I just envisage my son waiting for his dad by the window, and him not showing up, frequently or being late and obviously under the influence thus starting an argument as I refuse to let him take him. He has no desire to change I don't think, and why would he when his parents provide him with money, a place to live in the form of his own flat, bail him out constantly and let him steal off them/pawn their possessions and NEVER ringing the police. Oh and they buy him his cars, and pay for them to be on the road, thus giving him transport to get said drugs, and transport their possessions in to take to the pawn shop etc. etc. I felt sad that he was missing out on the little things (such as seeing him move about on the inside/outside.) Not in a romantic way, GOD NO, in a father way, its sad he is missing it. Missing out. Or perhaps its more sadness for my son. And perhaps I am jumping the gun. Anyway, for the lack of him, there are many other people that are witnessing it.... Aidan, Momma, Tim, my sister, grandparents etc. etc. This baby has a lot of people to love him. Already he is one lucky boy.