Little update for now

The weather here in Cambridge is absolutely beautiful. I'm just sitting in my rocking chair, eating philidelphia bagels and cherries, enjoying the view of the trees outside my window against the bright sunny sky. It is no countryside view, but being born and bred in the city, its what I am used to and I find it beautiful still in its own way; even though fields after fields as far as the eye can see are replaced with houses! But I find something rather curious when thinking of all the people that live in such close proximity to me; thinking of their lives, what they do, how they feel, where they are from... I've always been a keen fan of people watching. I remember every time I went to London I would go upstairs to the Wetherspoons in Victoria Station and get a drink and sit out on the balcony overlooking the departures board. I loved to watch the hundreds and hundreds of people passing in and out, the goodbyes and the hellos after long absences. I love people, hence why Sociology grips me so much.

Speaking of sociology, I am just finishing off my sociology essay on marxism. College has now finished, and I just have to get in my last bits of work in order to pass my course. My last unit in sociology was a research project we had to conduct; I do hope its ok and I pass. It would seriously, seriously break my heart if I didn't. As this was the last project, and due in last week, it leaves the time to amend it should it be rejected at virtually zero. I'm sure I will be ok, I've got through everything else. I guess its natural to be nervous about it, even more so now I have my university place in September, and my son being born days before that month. I had applied for university, and indeed started by course, long before I both concieved and found out I was pregnant, so I will say clearly: I did not have a baby as an incentive to turn my life around! On my last post I recieved a rather curt comment about what a tragedy my pregnancy was, and how babies shouldn't be used to get clean. I know this and I didn't do this, and well, my reply is in the comments section also. Having said that, obviously, I am determined more than ever to suceed at university (and life) and my drive to work and get a career has increased by a million. I think thats natural for anyone that becomes a parent.

I am so busy I seldom get time to stop and reflect on my situation. I don't get time to pause and take in how utterly mad the situation is. With all my symptoms described to the doctors, and being told I had a stomach ulcer and swelling of the liver, I didn't look elsewhere for any other possibilities; especially since I was told pregnancy naturally for me would be pretty much an impossibility. And having never had a period since the age of 17... well, that speaks for itself. I don't remember much from being at the first scan and being told I was 6 months pregnant, especially since I was told I was 4 WEEKS pregnant, so I was expecting that. I don't give myself much credit, if any. But I was told how well I was, and how well I had done; from recieving a shock like that I instantly adapated and didn't have so much as a cigarette (well, I'd given up smoking anyway but people have them when in shock, right?) or a stiff drink. Yeah, I thought, yeah. I know people without alcohol problems who found out and got drunk, so for somebody with poly-drug misuse issues, I think I did pretty well. Again, I was clean from street drugs from last year before the baby was concieved so I didn't stop because of him. I was changing for me, because I was tired of living how I had been.

Before I discovered I was pregnant, things were on the up, but now, its even better. Relationships have changed dramatically; my mum and I get on amazing. We were always close, but my behaviour made things fraught. Not any more. Same for my sister.

I am off out with my Momma to do some shopping, a little breath of fresh air before I have to return home and finish my essay. I have spent so much time indoors finishing off my work I think I am developing cabin fever!!! I kept on telling myself "just finish these essays, then you can RELAX!" but nope, once I am finished I have to decorate the flat, then put up the cot, sort out storage, get rid of some of my clothes, pack up my craft stuff and put it in the attic, finish baby shopping, pack a hospital bag, write my birth plan, decide whether to go to Bradford 24 days before my due date (afraid of going into labour there!!!).... people are telling me I should be enjoying some 'Me' time as its the last I'm gonna get of it, but I can't really, too much to do!

I'll write some more later, more baby stuff, me stuff etc. etc.