Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge

It is 10:05am and I am siting with my twin nieces, Bissy & Mimi who are still poorly. I am trying to explain to them what a Bounty Hunter is, and that led to them asking about the US Justice System. Try explaining that to two six year olds. What prompted this? Why, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter of course. My nanna turns 83 on Friday and my sister has got her Dogs autobiography. I can't wait to read it. I love that show with a geeky passion! So does my Nanna- she introduced it to me during our vodka tonics we have at night. I say they are still poorly, and they are, but they are on their feet so they have improved vastly. I went to the gym yesterday but I was so hungover it was horrible! I could only do half an hour and my hip was so bad. I have a really bad problem with my left hip but I gave up with physiotherapy years back. Silly really, as it restricts me loads and it stops me from doing things like riding a bike. I was on meds for it, a joint problem that couldnt really be figured out. I had my ipod on but I could feel my hip crack and these 2 men and the woman on the crosstreader infront of me turned to look. I was really embarrased especially as I hobbled off but it was nearly time to hit the showers and get ready anyway as I had an appointment at 2:30pm. Saw the doctor for the first time in 2 weeks and got another subutex prescription. I asked to get Christmas Eves subutex the day before so I don't have to bother picking it up that day. When I go back in two weeks, I will ask for Boxing Days, too. Christmas Eve I am taking the kids with my sister to Beauty & The Beast so I won't really have time to go get it. Plus, who wants to go get their script on Christmas Eve? I want to stay with my family indoors until the performance and then go for a christmas tipple afterwards. And Boxing Day! Making me trudge out to the chemist. Last year when I was on methadone I skipped it and got a telling off from the Chemist, this indian lady. She always has a go at me now if I miss my subutex but sometimes I have to because even though I have been giving clean drugs tests, they wont let me have one day off if I want to go out of Cambridge. It sometimes feels as if I might aswell be on smack still. After the doctor, as I was making my way upstairs I bumped into Pascale my drugs worker (well, basically she gives me drug tests via the mouth swab method. thats all) and she pulled me into the office and made me ring my old methadone clinic which is now the place that does the art therapy etc. Turns out I missed an appointment on Monday with Annette and everybody was really worried and concerned. She told me they actually thought I had gone back on drugs as I am usually so reliable now and it was completely unlike me. Pascale didn't seem too convinced, which annoyed me slightly. I wanted to prove my innocense but wasn't granted a swab test. I haven't been in 2 weeks. It would settle things right away but obviously wasn't needed this time. I left the doctors, picked up my script and put in my new prescription then headed to The Burleigh Arms where my mate Tim was sitting having a drink. I was a bit pissed off with myself that I had a double whiskey & diet coke plus a Tequila & slimline Tonic. It wasn't needed; just empty calories and a bad headache. I cracked open a beer at about one in the morning, a Stella *urgh*, took one sip and ditched it. No way. I couldn't of coped with a hangover like yesterdays. I must be getting old, because its taking me ages to recover. Or maybe its just the excessive way of living thats taken its toll? My body has had enough. After the pub, I walked to CB1 this cafe on Mill Road (there is also a CB2 which is bigger, 5 or so minutes walk away, round the corner) where I met Danni. I only went in it for the first time last year as my sister used to tell me they must have a back door for the geeks to exit via as otherwise they were totally liable to get a good kicking. No, I wasn't scared of getting beat up, I just thought I would look like a pretentious wanker. The windows are old fashioned, big, makes it like a fishbowl. I'm too aware of everybody having a good look in and seeing what you are up to. But I had to go in as I was meeting her there. We rang up College to arrange a time to go on to see what financial help I can get for my education. I am waiting on my move and when that happens, I am ready to get back to school. But financially I already have a £2,000 overdraft which I'm paying loads of interest on. Its going to be a struggle and I'll need to get a job. I'm worried about putting too much on myself... burning out. I am off to the gym later, when my sister gets back from University. I keep on thinking about gear. The doctor asked me if I want to keep going with my subutex, whether I want to be reduced and how I want to come off. I have already (secretly) reduced myself. Well, not so much a secret now. As for coming off them, its too soon. I done that with methadone and ended up literally dying when I went back on it in April. I need to go at least 6 months. As for coming off them... rehab! Detox5! Naltraxone implant (blocks the effects of heroin so you cannot feel it.) I will think about it when the time comes but I cannot stop toying with the idea of in the new year taking some gear at some point. Though, I think it would probably kill me. I am toying with it but in theory it doesn't have much of an attraction due to the fact to get it, I will have to spend £40 as for my £20 I will have to get somebody a £20, too (if I go through any othe users). Lot of money to feel mediocre and then I will have to wait till I'm in withdrawal to go back on my subbies. I probably won't do it. I'm under no illusion that I am anything special. I am not important but there is particularly a couple of people I know who would love to see me right back down where I was. I just recieved an email from one actually, quite horrible. Somebody once told me; "Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge" and I thoroughly agree with it. I am looking in disbelief at this actually, what a bastard! Right, I am going off to cook my Nong Shim Ram Yun Hot & Spicy Noodle Soup, finish watching The OC (guilty pleasure) and hit the gym. I am trying not to get so excited at the prospect of moving into a new place. Though I am totally confused about what to do; social care or textiles? or english language?

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

1 month clean

i was lazy and just copied and pasted this from my post on opiophile

i originally started my script a few days before my 21st birthday on october 1st. but i got a bit wobbley and was taking them one day, then skipping a few others. pointless, as the half-life meant i did not feel a thing. anyway, today is my first month completely clean of anything. i only took cocaine with heroin at the same time and i dont smoke pot, or do benzos etc. so its not as if i have had anything else to give up. well, yes i have, i have stopped smoking and am using those nicotine lozengers and thats going very well, haven’t smoked either but tomorrow i get paid so i shall let that be the ultimate test; see if i cave in and buy a pack. still drink but am greatly reducing it. i was doing about 35 units a day (the recommended daily amount for uk women is 2-3 i believe?) so though i tried to give that up cold turkey, i had the worse withdrawals. i have just tapered it down old methadone clinic has been taken over by addaction (the whole system here to treat addicts in cambridge recently went through a massive change) and they run a ’structured day programme’ to get people on maintenance programmes back into a routine, while doing useful things and working towards getting back into education or employment if you feel ready. i attend the art therapy group there and they have also given me free access to a gym. i used to love going to my old gym but obviously couldnt afford it, or be arsed to go for that matter as my habit got worse. its relatively new and its brilliant with a pool, too. i found that when i stopped gear, i put on nearly 2 stone so now im 5ft5 and 11 and a half stone. all on my tummy. got a proper beer belly. ive always had problems with food so this got me down. i went shopping with my momma and got some long gym clothes to cover up my scars as i am going to my induction at 1pm. i am a bit scared, mostly because i used to be so fit, so im terribly unhealthy and i dont think ill be able to run like i used to. oh well, i will start easy. if i use it after the month they will decide if they should renew it. if you dont go you never get a second chance so thats an incentive in itself.
i feel so good. i dont really miss heroin at all. sometimes, i think “i dont know how to be anything else but a junkie!” and its scary as i havent really done anything these past years apart from make money to score drugs to take them. im having to learn loads of new shit. if i learnt to be a junkie though i can learn to be something else.i am a bit worried about my upcoming blood tests. i dont want hep c (who does?!?!) but i was so recklass, im hoping thats the worse thing that is spoken in the results session. cant believe how dumb i was but hey, got to pay a price for the “fun” i had. i had a £2,000 overdraft and im paying about £18-20 a month interest. im on £56 a week so i cant even begin to pay it off, so im just forking out for this interest. its easy to get stressed, and i instantly think “i could use that as an excuse to go back on gear” but i know its dumb.
im not thinking i have beat it. a month is so little time to be thinking i am cured. but hey, its the longest i have been clean in years really. i know its corny when they say take every day one step at a time but its true. i was worrying about what happens when one of my relatives die, i have a break-up, fail at something,…. it will be far too inviting and tempting to act out the old “just this once to get through this” spiel you give yourself. but fuck that, i will deal with that when it comes.
its early days but i feel fucking great. i am now realising just how much i let myself go and i am recoiling in horror at some of my behaviour. but, i am trying to laugh it off. like good ‘ol squeeze said “I’d beg for some forgiveness, but begging’s not my business”
thanks, i just have to get it out. my reaching one month is so foreign- i have never had this before!

Monday, 24 November 2008

tomorrow, one month clean

time just flies doesn’t it. well, it did when i was on gear. its odd- well no, not odd, logical that when i was using heroin the days just bled into one another and i would end up losing chunks of time… now i’m not using, days drag and it feels as if i have been off heroin for about 6 months. to say the days feel longer is an understatement! my momma got back from canada & new york the day before yesterday. i was so happy, i had missed her so much and she hadn’t been gone that long. she came round to my nanna’s where i was waiting for her at about 10pm. she had been at my sisters and was stinking drunk by the time she arrived. momma had treated herself to some absolut peach vodka and the mandarin variety, which i desperately wanted to try but she had already devoured it along with my sister, her partner andy and my moms boyfriend, Dean. momma never used to let me drink around her but i was allowed to hit up the liquor cabinet with her. what a privalidge! she got all sentimental on me and so did my nanna. momma was worse though, telling me what a lovely, pretty girl i was and how it was so nice to have me back (as in, my old personality which was drowned out by my constant excessive drug use). one thing that makes me laugh is the fact nobody really wants to use the word HEROIN and slang names like “gear” “brown” “horse” “smack” are too shocking and painful for them to use and hear. so my mum calls it “doo daa”. “it’s no nice now you are off the old doo daa,” its amusing to hear.
im just on the telephone…. now off the telephone. i was just booking my Gym Induction. i am now with addaction at the building which was the old methadone clinic. they have a structured day programme offering art therapy, training, exercise etc. to get you back into a routine and to take away all that time you have on your hands. coz you know what they say “idle hands are the devils playground”. they gave me an option to join the gym and i took it. i thought it would be a crappy sports centre but its a really nice play with good gym & pool. you have a card that you swipe each time you go and at the end of 1 month addaction get billed and see if you are using it and ask you if its helping you. i used to go to GREENS this super nice gym by my old house but it was £50 a month and i couldnt afford it once i got on gear. i cant afford this one either really but i dont feel bad about addaction getting the bill, after all, its saving money in other areas like my healthcare for when i get so poorly every winter. thats Wednesday i go. kind of makes me nervous that i’m really unfit and ill have to start from the bottom. i am really self-concious too so that will cause me problems. i have put on soooooo much weight and the thought of being in a bikini makes me want to barf, and probably will make others want to, too! what am i going to do about booze? i have tried to lower my drinking but i get the worse withdrawals its awful. i cant turn up pissed to the gym but i can’t leave the house without one. what a catch 22, what with the booze making me even fatter. oh yeah, my momma got my HERSHEYS CHOCOLATE PRETZELS in a big tin and 2 M&M Lip Balms. really helps to have choco flavoured chap stick i can tell you, and knowing those pretzels are in the kitchen just a’ callin’ my name…. torture.
went to art therapy on thursday, i loved it. really loved it. anyway, must book a dentist appointment and also get ready. i’m still in my pjs! lazy, i know.

Saturday, 22 November 2008

the crazy system!

Drugs are easily available and always have been. You get your socially acceptable ones and then the others which make you a social pariah. Cocaine is acceptable to many in moderation; if it was not I am sure it would not be so common for surfaces in city toilets to test positive for them when a journalist decides to investigate our countries ever-increasing drug problem. Then there are drugs like Heroin which by most, is branded the lowest of the low and perhaps quite rightly, in terms of the dispair one reaches if they are unlucky enough to get caught up in an addiction to it. I unfortunately have been a heroin addict for 5 years and have just turned 21. I cannot put down here just how terrible my life was, and still is, plus the knock-on effect it had on the people around me. My mother, a dedicated Nurse working for the NHS had a nervous breakdown after I overdosed and had respitory & heart failure, and has been off work for 5 months. It is not just an emotional knock-on effect, its economical. Although I did not turn to burglary, street robbery etc. I know many who do and their lives are just a constant circle of committing a crime to get drugs to get arrested and put in prison to come out clean to start up again straight away. The money this is costing our society is rediculous especially since a few number of lucky addicts get prescribed Diamorphine Hydrachloride which injected, eliminates the need for street heroin. Thus, knocking out the dealers, the risk of contracting diseases through risky activities such as needle sharing and eliminating the drug-motivated crimes that effect YOU. If you have ever been burgled or mugged you will know how distressing it is, and it will probably be even more so when you find out our state prescribes Diamorphine, but just not to the person who burgled you. Chances are they were not on a prescription or were on methadone. If methadone is the wonderdrug it is supposed to be, why are people still taking heroin on top of it?It is very simple, make it more available. The heroin trade funds terrorism that the public want to see eliminated. As long as its illegal they will keep on reaping the collosal benefits.I was put on methadone at 17 and it was not until after this that I turned to prostitution to fund my habit. Why would I need to when I was on methadone? I could of been prescribed heroin to save myself from having to go through all the things I did, in the process wrecking relationships between my friends and family. The system in place at the moment is you only get prescribed diamorphine when you have PROVED you cannot be treated, which is very ironic. You have to go through the system for 20, 30 years showing you are untreatable, costing the taxpayer thousands in keeping you incarcerated over the years, keeping you on benefits… then you get what could save you and help you become a valuble member of society.
Drugs are always going to be around in society. What we have to do is prevent (its a cliche, I know, but its better than a cure) and treat properly those that have a problem. Louise was very lucky to get into the In-Volve centre, resources are stretched to the limit and the only way usually you can get into rehab is if you have unlimited funds.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

methadone; cure or con?

One drug - a green liquid in a beaker - is an addictive opiate that takes users at least five weeks to come off. Another - a brown powder in a syringe - is an addictive opiate that takes users five days to come off. The liquid is methadone. The powder is heroin. One is legally prescribed by doctors. The other is illegally procured from dealers. What, they’re asking in Britain’s drugs capital, is the good of that?
By Mary Braid
Published: 19 July 2000

Alex Clark, a 38-year-old from Ruchazie, a run-down council estate on Glasgow’s east side, sits in Marco’s Gym and reels off a long list. They’re the names of neighbours and relatives, all smackheads, and all dead, ruined, or on the run. Alex’s cousin Danny, who has been on heroin since his teens, is the one on the run - somewhere in England, hiding from dealers to whom he owes money. In his case, flight was sensible. A few months back machete-wielding pushers put another cousin, Aldo, in the city’s Royal Infirmary for owing a few hundred pounds.
Alex Clark, a 38-year-old from Ruchazie, a run-down council estate on Glasgow’s east side, sits in Marco’s Gym and reels off a long list. They’re the names of neighbours and relatives, all smackheads, and all dead, ruined, or on the run. Alex’s cousin Danny, who has been on heroin since his teens, is the one on the run - somewhere in England, hiding from dealers to whom he owes money. In his case, flight was sensible. A few months back machete-wielding pushers put another cousin, Aldo, in the city’s Royal Infirmary for owing a few hundred pounds.
Meanwhile, Alex, after eight years on heroin, is seeking salvation through weights and stomach-wrenching sit-ups. It has been three months since he last shot up, and his abstinence has made his older brother Andrew, who is 39, proud. “What’s great is to see Alex with his two sons again, because for a while there he lost them,” says Andrew, whose skinny frame and hollow Celtic eyes are so similar to Alex’s that the brothers might be twins. “And it’s great to hear him laugh again. There’s not much laughing when you’re using.” Alex, still a little jittery, came off cold turkey, just as Andrew did two and a half years ago, following his own eight years on smack.
When it comes to kicking heroin, however, abstinence is not, generally, the Glasgow way. As in other parts of Britain, methadone, prescribed by GPs, is now the orthodox medical treatment for the 8,500 “jaggers” who have turned Glasgow into Europe’s heroin capital.
Widespread prescription of liquid methadone, taken orally as a heroin substitute, was introduced in the Eighties to curb the spread of HIV by needle-sharing addicts. But the strenuous promotion of methadone - an addictive opiate, just like heroin - as a medicine angered some communities, already drowning in drugs, and at least one in four Glasgow GPs still refuse to take part in the scheme. Methadone, none the less, has emerged as the treatment king.
Addicts, it seems, just can’t get enough. In 1992, there were just 140 Glaswegians on methadone prescription. Today, around 3,000 visit their chemist every day to swallow the sweetened green liquid provided by the state. There’s a waiting list to join the programme and Greater Glasgow Health Board has plans for further expansion. Last month a government drugs-advisory group held the Glasgow scheme up as a national model, after stricter supervision appeared to cut fatal methadone overdoses. This month, the first research into methadone in Glasgow sings its praises, claiming it reduces injecting, overdoses and crime.
Andrew Horne, of the Glasgow Drugs Crisis Centre, is among those who argue that methadone clearly reduces the harm heroin does, both to society and to the individual user. Dispensed in a non-injectable form, it is, he says, better for the health of addicts and also protects society from infection. “Methadone or heroin injected into the groin - which would you rather have?” he says.
Horne also argues that daily supervision of addicts on the methadone programme brings users into daily contact with services that can help them. There are no statistics to reveal how many addicts are helped by methadone to become drug-free. Horne says a large proportion of addicts simply grow out of opiate use, but he insists that the methadone programme does help significant numbers to kick their drug habit. “It is a stepping stone,” he says. “The best way to detox is to use a substitute drug and do it slowly.”
All of which would be dandy, except for critics’ claims that there is no evidence the opiate is actually doing what many presume to be its principal job: ie helping addicts to come off heroin and other drugs. Last year a record 152 people died from overdoses (mainly heroin) in the Strathclyde region, 52 more than the year before. Methadone, some warn, has now become just another dangerous drug swilling round a city infamous for “polydrug” misuse.
For their part, the Clark brothers hate methadone. Alex and Andrew’s brother-in-law, Davie, was prescribed it after five years of injecting heroin. It was supposed to ease his withdrawal and help him kick drugs. Ten years later, at the age of 33, he is still on methadone. It’s the same story, they say, with the rest of the old Ruchazie gang - at least for those who are still alive. Most have been on methadone prescription for years and - despite the scheme’s rules against using other drugs, enforced by urine testing - they continue to inject heroin and take other drugs.
The main difference between the opiates is that methadone, while it does not offer the intense high that heroin does, is longer-lasting. Addicts on the programme should not need to dose more than once a day, while heroin addicts come down much faster and need to “dose” at frequent intervals. But compared to heroin, they say, methadone is boring - a Volvo against the preferred Ferrari, and, therefore, treated just as a “top-up” to heroin.
“The health board would consider Davie a success story,” says Alex bitterly. “He does not inject or take other drugs. But he’s like a vegetable. He used to have a good head on him but now he just sits at home all day.”
Alex’s brother Andrew took methadone for four weeks when he broke with smack. “It did take away the aches and pains of withdrawal, but psychologically the benefits wore off in days - and coming off was worse than it was with heroin,” he says. It takes five days to come off heroin but five to 15 weeks to kick methadone, which is a consideration for addicts, with jail a constant occupational hazard.
Alex complains that drug centres never treat the individual addict but simply prescribe methadone to everyone. He relates how, three months ago, after 14 days without heroin, he went for medical help. “I wanted to stay off,” he recalls. “I had a house like the one in Trainspotting - there was nothing in it. A drugs counsellor took just 10 minutes to decide methadone was for me, though I told her I was already detoxed.”
Despite Davie’s experience, Alex admits he was tempted: “By then I was gasping for anything.” So he went along to his local methadone group. “There were 15 of them there, all slumped forward,” he says, now laughing. “I was introduced and - shit! - I realised I knew most of them.”
Alex made his excuses and left and finally gave into Andrew’s pleas that he join Calton Athletic Recovery Group, a hard-line abstinence group based in Denniston, in Glasgow’s East End, which was famous for a while as the technical adviser to the film of Trainspotting. Calton, which is bitterly critical of the methadone programme and currently embroiled in a funding row, is where Andrew came off, and where Alex is now trying to kick his habit. Some days are hard, but it was peer pressure, Alex says, which sucked him in in the first place. Now another peer group, he believes, can help rescue him.
Calton offers football, half-marathons, daily work-outs, and group-therapy sessions. Its controversial director, Davie Bryce - who is a hero to his fans and a bloody-minded svengali to his critics - believes exercise stimulates endorphins suppressed by years of addiction. As Bryce, a former heroin addict himself like everyone at Calton, earthily explains: “You don’t get better sitting on your arse.”
Calton is supportive, but tough. And Bryce, in track suit and trainers, is scathing of the suited professionals who blame addiction on poverty, giving addicts too many places to hide. Calton’s mantra is individual responsibility. “I used to blame social conditions and Thatcherism,” says Bryce. “I blamed everything and everyone, bar drugs.”
The health board, and a host of Glasgow drug centres, claim methadone helps addicts, as well as society, by stabilising them until they feel able to tackle dependence. But Calton bans all drugs - prescribed or otherwise - including alcohol. To Bryce, prescribing methadone makes as much sense as switching an alcoholic from whisky to gin.
“Methadone is not a treatment,” he says angrily. “It is a method of social control, introduced to contain HIV infection.” During the Aids panic, he says, the authorities had to reach the drug-taking population and methadone was the carrot that lured addicts in. Bryce reluctantly allows that methadone might have a very short-term application, if addicts moved off it before dependence set in. “But it’s not used as a means of getting people into detox,” he argues. Another Glasgow drugs counsellor, who does not want to be named, agrees. “You get these reports about methadone working miracles, but I don’t know anyone it has helped come off. Its an inexpensive way for the health board to look like it’s actually doing something. And no one takes the board on now because we all rely on it for funds.”
The study into methadone’s effect on the behaviour of Glasgow addicts - co-authored by Dr Laurence Gruer, public health consultant and the driving force behind Glasgow’s methadone programme - makes no assessment of methadone as an addiction-busting drug. Gruer’s fellow co-author Sharon Hutchison, of the Scottish Centre for Infection and Environmental Health, says that a drug-free life is the long-term goal of methadone programmes. But the study only covered addicts’ first 12 months on methadone - too soon, apparently, to expect long-term heroin users to become drug-free. But the question arises: if methadone brings such dramatic improvements to addicts’ lives, why are so many of them still relying on it, years after their first prescription?
Professor Neil McKeganey, of Glasgow University’s Centre for Drug Misuse Research, does not argue with the social benefits of methadone in curbing infection and crime. A £3m methadone programme looks good value when set against the £194m of goods that Glasgow addicts steal annually to fund their habits. It is generally accepted that given free methadone, addicts do steal less.
“But the big question has to be what effect, if any, is methadone having on heroin addiction,” says McKeganey. “And the truth is we don’t have any evidence either way.” McKeganey says that when psychiatrists were responsible for the care of heroin addicts - before Aids arrived and public health and infectious diseases consultants took over - they were largely sceptical about methadone as a treatment, as countries including France remain today.
McKeganey agrees that short-term use of methadone might stabilise an addict. “But stability is not an end in itself,” he warns. “Methadone should be the point from which other things take place and that’s not happening in Glasgow.”
From his own interviews with addicts, he believes that for some, the opiate may create an even stronger dependence than heroin. Professor Russell Newcombe, a drugs lecturer at Liverpool John Moores University, argues that because of the longer withdrawal period, methadone may, in fact, extend addictions by years. Yet there are no studies into the long-term effects of the drug.
Meanwhile Calton’s members believe that, secretly, the health board has given up on addicts, convinced they cannot be saved, or that saving them would cost too much. Janis, who is 29, finally came off heroin five years ago. “I had sold everything,” she says. “I slept rough on the streets. Eventually I joined a methadone programme, lying that I wanted to kick heroin just so I could get more drugs.” It was a year before a urine test revealed she was still using heroin and other narcotics.
“My habit just got bigger and my life got out of control,” she says. “I thought the only way you got out was to die. That was all I was seeing around me.” Bryce laughs that the health authority likes schemes that are “non-directive and non-judgmental” when directive and judgemental are just what addicts need.
“I wanted someone to tell me how to get off and stay off, ” remembers Janis. “I didn’t want someone to ask me what I wanted to do. How would I have known, the mess I was in?” Fundamentally, she says, she needed role models to show what was possible. That finally happened when she saw a Calton presentation in prison.
Janis, understandably, wants more abstinence schemes. But even drugs counsellors who support methadone projects, warn that Glasgow’s expanding scheme is facing problems because of scarce long-term rehabilitation programmes. “We have them on methadone but we can’t get them off,” says one drugs-project manager who prefers anonymity because he, like most others, relies on health-board funds.
Alex, meanwhile, struggles on with the daily sit-ups at Marco’s Gym. “I worried at first that it was all too late to get clean,” he says. “But I believe now that had I gone on methadone I would be sitting in the house just like [my brother-in-law] Davie.”

Sunday, 2 November 2008

2nd November

To think my mother told me I was too old to have a chocolate advent calendar this year. And my sister too. We may be 21 and 25 but I am happy to report Nanna did not disappoint and purchased us one. Phew. I haven’t gone a year without one since I was old enough to gum chocolate. Christmas is stressing me slightly; last year I spent a few hundred pounds on presents but the irony will have it that now I am actually on subutex and clean, I have no money. A measley £200 I get a month and that is not all in one lump, so I am going to have to plan presents carefully. Everybody is telling me it does not matter what I get them, no matter how small, as they are just estatically happy I am well. That is all very well but in practise, I cannot come christmas morning deliver nothing. Twins come first and then I will think about everyone else. So much for all the parties I wanted to go to. Never mind, I am pretty damn happy just to be around my family. I love xmas time. BREAKTHROUGH: my family are actually trusting me with money. Asked what I would like for christmas, I said clothes so naturally my Nanna and my Momma will give me money, not buy them for me and cross their fingers hoping I will like them. Yes, you read me right… they are going to physically give me the money. They said they trust me. I might of wrote somewhere that never in the past few years have they trusted me with even a £1 coin, as that might be the £1 needed to make it to £10, and then get a bag of heroin. Which I do not blame them for. Some family & friends of addicts would think this is way too early to be giving money to a junky as they are only just over a month clean, but they obviously have faith in me and so do I. Even if I didn’t, I couldn’t let them down it would break their trust and their hearts. I could not do it, period. I need some new clothes, anyway. I went shopping with my Momma last week and she got me some trainers, gym clothes and one of those wanky ipod nano holders you strap to your arm for the gym. I looked the part all kitted out in my outfit but when I got in the gym I thought I was going to pass out and die. I hadn’t had a drink of alcohol and my head was spinning- before I even got on a piece of exercise equipment. I left the gym, walked to a shop but it was shut. Cashpoint outside was broken and the pub next door didn’t except cards. I took this as a sign and walked back to the gym where I started small. Couldn’t believe how unfit I was, I used to be able to do 40 minute runs at my old gym at level 10 (12 being the max). I went the next day (thursday) and did a lot better 35 minutes on the cross treader. Then 10 minute warm-down on the treadmill. When I got off that I actually thought I was going to faint. I told myself I couldn’t and shouldn’t push it. I haven’t been since, so a 4 day break. I am going today in an hour. That will give me time to have a work-out, get a shower and get to my doctors appointment on time and then to see my key worker. My key worker was off sick for a good while but she is back and I met with her at the coffee shop with her cover, Liz, who looked after me while she was gone. That was Friday. She asked me if I would like to go swimming with her as she wants to get healthy, too. I said yes, of course. She is absolutely lovely, the best key worker I could wish for. 10 years ago she used to look after my sister in a childrens home. So she sort of remembered me, but definetely did my momma and sister.
Oh it is raining and is damn right miserable. Appointments are at 2.30 and 4 I believe so I have to hang about in between. I will have to stay away from anywhere that sells yummy food. I started out so well last week; cut out booze, chocolate, ate lean meats and salads. Then, I went to the pub with my sis & momma on saturday and the drinking never stopped- I added up my alcohol calories and I nearly died. My weight is ballooning and ballooning and I need to stop it in its tracks. I don’t want to buy big clothes it will just depress me. If heroin was good for one thing, it was weight loss (note: please nobody actually take it to loose weight, took about 2 years for me to drop my weight and it came at a price, i actually looked like shit). I totally forgot my twin nieces were sitting in the front room. They have both been so very ill since Friday afterschool. We knew something was wrong as they couldn’t eat and just laid in bed, interacting with one another through strained messages spoken to me and relayed to the other. Bless ‘em. Lots of Calpol and a few days later and they should be ok for school tomorrow. HOUSE MOVE: going well. Looking to have a place soon. Phew. Cannot wait. Once I do, its straight back to work or at least work from home- but I would have to research self-imployment for a brief period as I would be doing that until September only. When I meet my key worker today we are going to go over a university & college prospectus, so I can apply ASAP. I cannot go another year without not being in education. Would kill me!
My Momma is back at work. They start you off softly, since she was nearly 5 months off. Only mornings this week. My family keep on buying me stuff and offering to pay for this and that, I tell them no need but they are so happy I am staying clean they cannot stop treating me. I guess because they have always been generous with what little they had and while I was on gear, they couldn’t treat me as I wasn’t always around and for moral and fairness reasons, too (why should I spend all my money on gear when my momma works hard for her poxy wage only to buy us stuff?). I guess she is making up for it. I should get ready- for being humiliated at the gym. ha.
Sunday, non-league Histon beat Leeds 1-0 at home. My uncle does the illustrations/cartoons for the Histon Programme so he got to go with his partner, Sonia. I totally forgot about how much I loved sport when I was using so its nice to be able to sit and enjoy it again.

Monday, 27 October 2008

its far too cold to be an addict

The first few years of my heroin addiction, I didn’t mind running about in the freezing cold (November-Feb/March) to make money and then walk god knows where to score the drugs. I would walk miles and miles with only my Creative Zen Micro to keep my spirits up. Then, as the years wore on, I was sick and tired of the whole damn scene and I couldn’t be arsed with it anymore. And when you are cold… I find it even harder, if not impossible to find a vein, so it was a major hassle in EVERY way. I tried to go back to smoking it but my lungs were so bad; I constantly had chronic infections. I have always loved the wintertime, but thats if I am curled up in my own comfy home watching cable TV and chugging a beer and stuffing myself with seasonal junk food. Like I said in a previous post, heroin waits for nothing; least of all the Christmas Holidays and the bad weather and you have to go out all day everyday regardless to stay well.
I have seen a correllation in my success rate when it comes to drug dependancy treatment in the form of methadone. Seems every winter I do really well, then I fuck it off as soon as spring comes around and am caining it all summer until the bad weather comes back. Ok, you have to go and pick up your methadone everyday but thats ONCE a day and takes about 40 minutes out of your day if you walk, 10 if you get a lift in the car. Like now, today I noticed its far too damn cold to be running about scoring and getting money for a fix.
I went to an appointment this morning with Pascale, from Addaction, who helped me fill in a form to move house. By the time I finished, it was 1.30pm so my chemist was shut until 2.45pm. I cracked open a beer and went to Christs Piece to sit and write and listen to my Ipod. Soon kids with their grandparents sat next to me on the bench so I had to move because I was smoking, so I went to the Princess Diana Memorial in the centre of the green. Bumped into Basil, Sophie, Amy & Lee. I went and sat with them after a while, as I didn’t want to appear like I was shunning them. I had to walk with them to Sainsburys to get their Tudor Rose Sherry which is about £2.50 a bottle. Couldn’t drink that stuff if you paid me (especially not in public). Everybody was staring at us because us three girls are under 21 and well turned out. The cans of special brew & sherry bottles don’t go.
Anyway, got back to Christs Piece and bumped into Mark Lipscombe. Met him at Oliver Ryans 21st party in September. I was rattling that day/night and puked everywhere. It was freezing so after introducing me to his mate Jack, we went to The Regal, a Wetherspoons. Had a pint. Christs Piece was full of youngsters trying to score weed and/or smoking it. Weed was never my drug but I could see myself in a few of the kids there, particularly the ones rapping about how much they wanted to die and how they’d tried to kill themselves. What can I say? Can’t lie to them. Life isn’t going to get any better than at your age. At least I don’t think so.
I have been on my Subutex again since Saturday night and I feel good. Ok. Fine. Its coming up to my Mommas holiday to America & Canada and I know she won’t go if she is worried about me (Which she permanently is). I’m going to behave, for her. And, christmas. I need to start saving big time. Last year…. I shudder at the cost.
I have my appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. Drafted in quite quickly. I also have to see my doctor to get my prescription; she asked me if a spell in hospital might help (Fulbourn, Addenbrookes, S3, S4). Would it? Probably. If I have to live at mine much longer I am going to top myself without a doubt, or less drastically, make myself homeless on purpose. It meant a lot to me to hang out with people my own age today, but they just talked about cocaine, weed & LSD. While they talked about coke, I just thought about how nice Snowballs are (heroin and crack mixed together and injected). Other drugs don’t do it for me. None do. Its heroin, my one true love. But I have to accept, I can’t have him. I can’t.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

21 today!

what is more unbelievable, i have actually made my 21st birthday or the prospect that i can actually break away from heroin? who knows, i don’t care right now. i am actually pretty happy, which, i haven’t been in years, even on my birthday. probably because heroin waits for nobody, and doesn’t give you a day off on holidays & special occassions… they are like any other day. you still get ill, you still have to get money, to score. i had a wonderful day yesterday with my momma and my sister. we went shopping, got me a nice hotpink ipod nano, a beautiful coat, make-up, mittens etc. it wasn’t what i got materially, it was the time spent with the family, something we haven’t done in a while. it was such a giggle. later today we will pick up the twins from school and take them to my nans where we will have a piss-up. we were going to go out to eat but i didn’t fancy it. id rather stay in, i’m not ready to face the world without being obliterated. and i dont want to be obliterated infront of the kids. i will meet my sis during today, she finishes uni at 12. i had a wicked day before yesterday, spent it with tom llyod. nice he remembered/bothered. had such a giggle but anyway, must go, i need to do my hair and what an ordeal that is.
subutex is working great. works fine, agrees with me, no problems. i actually pretty much forget about drugs when im occupied, until i see my arms or legs that is, but i have been assured they will go in time.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

day 3

so this is day 3 of my subutex. suprisingly, i dont feel too bad at all. last night was pretty awful though, dizzy spells that led to fainting a couple of times, vomitting. but there is nothing i can do; subutex blocks the effects of heroin, so i might aswell set fire to my money than stick it in my vein. cant do that anyway; my arms and legs are in such a mess…. bruises everywhere, torn veins where i have missed my hits (with crack in them too, which in my experience, always leads to an abcess). my last ever hit i had on wednesday (you have to stop using for 24 hours before you take subutex) and i didn’t even get it… i couldn’t find a vein so blood that seeped in just clogged up my hit. squirted it out, recooked it in the spoon to get rid of the clots, put it back in a syringe, tried again. couldn’t get it. in the end, i just injected in my foot, but missed half of it so now im walking around like a cripple. nobody seems to realise how much damage injecting does, you loose your veins; most old-timers i know (old-timers being in their 20s, 30s) have to go in their necks or like me, their groins. and when they go…. so have one of your legs and you have to go back to smoking it. i don’t miss the hours it took me to find a vein.
i am finding it hard to fathom how for the past years i have nonstop used heroin and crack, injecting it into my body on a daily basis. completely not caring about the consequences. the first thing i did when i exited hospital after my overdoses was, yes you guessed it, go and scored again. i didn’t care. i’m dreading to think what i have done to my body. scary. scary because heroin is the ultimate painkiller, now i dont have that, and my body is starting to ache. big time.
im going to go to the chemist and pick up my two 8mg subbies, highest dose, which you let dissolve under your tongue. i am so glad i didn’t go on methadone but as i said in my last post, i only chose methadone so i could STILL use. like, its my birthday on October 1st and before i got my subbies, sitting in the doctors waiting room i was like “but what if you want to use on special occassions, like your birthday, you can’t. go on methadone, but just use every few months, naomi” then i realised what lies i was telling myself, what i had been telling myself for years. i cannot touch heroin. at all. i can’t control myself when i use it so i am going to have to accept that if i want to have any form of decent life i have to cut it out forever. which i will find hard, as i sit here romanticising the ‘good times’
but then i think, what good times? it was only good for the first couple. everything beyond that was just to stay well and heed off withdrawing. i am wincing at the money i have spent. in excess of £120+ a day at my worse. what i could of done with that. oh well, this must of happened for a reason, right?

Sunday, 14 September 2008

make or break

I guess you can pretty much say this is 'make or break time' now. I do believe for certain things and certain people, change can happen at any point. I have this gut feeling though, that if I do not turn things around now, I never will. I have already lost 8 years to drugs and I can easily see myself losing the other X amount, also. And if I carry on, nothing will be carved in stone except for the fact those X amount of years probably will not go into double figures. So, on the 25th September at 2pm I have an appointment with the doctor to be put on Subutex. I did not want to go on methadone- to me, it really was no better than heroin apart from the fact it was
  1. free; so it kept me away from the constant need to find money any way and any how and
  2. needed to be taken just once orally; no injecting needed
  3. safe; no worries about purity, that it might be poison, etc. etc. 100% clean from a reliable source.

Though, obviously, as most of you will know, methadone has its downsides. People are heavily divided about it- both opiate addicts and their families, health professionals etc. When I was on my methadone maintanence programmes I discovered a lot of negative points and I really did not see myself progress in any which way or form. Like many others, I continued to use heroin and just used methadone as a safety net- it was there for when I couldn't get any heroin, so I didn't have to endure the dreadful ordeal that is cold turkey. These downsides consisted of

  1. Drowsiness; I still carried on dozing off. Even when I lowered my dose from 60ml to 50ml.
  2. Collecting; I had to pick up my methadone 7 days a week from Boots at the Grafton Center, along with god knows how many other junkies which meant we were all passing each other, just like we used to, but instead of going to our illegal dealer, we were going to the state supported one. We just tempted one another, and it was all to easy to approach somebody else picking up their script and ask if they wanted to go halfs on a bag. We couldn't leave the 'scene' behind.
  3. Isolation; Once I no longer had to score heroin (which is, as we know, a full-time business) I got in with old friends and began to spend less and less time in the scene. But you had to go everyday to pick up your script, and drink it infront of the pharmacist, and your friends if you hadn't given them a good enough excuse for why they should wait outside. You couldn't with the money you saved from not having to buy heroin, go away for a weekend to say, Brighton. You needed to be in Cambridge to pick up your script.
  4. Addictiveness; Methadone is a lot stronger than heroin and takes, obviously, a lot longer to come off.
  5. Sugar; It took me ages to get sugar-free methadone, and this was only after complaining and comparing my teeth to everyone elses, or rather, the gaps where everyone elses used to be. My friend Becky is 32, her top teeth are rotted beyond repair.

I will have to go to the pharmacy everyday for my Subutex but the difference is, Subutex blocks the effects of heroin. There isn't much of a point in me taking it, not like with methadone. My sleeping patterns have dramatically changed; I get up at about 6am every morning now so my plan is to go to the chemist as early as possible to avoid everyone else (lets face it- if I'm not sleeping now I'm on heroin, what chance do I have when I stop it!?!). I will have to rattle for over 24 hours before I go to my appointment and collect my prescription for one Subutex. This is because, the first time you take it, if you have heroin or methadone in your system you go into an instant, violent withdrawal. No thank you. I can't cope with a normal withdrawal, so I'd had to experience that. Urgh.

I am really looking forward to this. May seem strange to say that, looking forward to feeling so damn ill when you know you could just spend £10 and rid yourself of that unbearable pain. But thats just it... you rid yourself of the physical pain for a couple of hours then you need to go and get more money to stop it starting again. And you do so much bad shit, you degrade yourself, abuse yourself, sell your dignity... all for something that doesn't even last longer than a few hours. Something that has helped destroy your life beyond repair. See what I mean about the make or break.... either I do it this time, or I just resign myself to the fact I don't want to change, and I will carry on my life of utter misery, disgusting behaviour and lawlessness. I just hope and pray I do it this time. This time... everything is resting on it.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

a month since i died a little death

me and my mate always used to call “going over” (overdosing) ‘dying a little death’; thats if you get saved by the paramedics, of course. exactly one month ago today i done a hit of heroin and cocaine, after i’d been drinking vodka all day long. i don’t remember a thing when it comes to the drugs- i didn’t feel it hit, i didn’t feel myself loose conscience… i came round after about 15minutes with 3 paramedics in my flat, half-naked (they had to cut open my clothes to get quick access to my chest) and h00ked up to some weird machine. i got worse when they arrived, having had respitory failure. i didn’t realise how serious this was, but i actually stopped breathing. the paramedics said if they hadn’t been so close to my house, i wouldn’t of made it. i spent the next 15 hours in hospital hooked up to some machine. it was horrible. mike rang my sister and mum so when i got to A&e they were there. meanwhile, i was still half-naked and in and out of sleepiness. the doctors were very nice to me.
so yeah, i had a terrible brush with death. and it infuriated my family that i wouldn’t take it seriously. i would of done, but i don’t care. i’m back on heroin and cocaine. fuck. i just really don’t see a point; this is something that is going to be with me for the rest of time. i have to accept it i suppose. i feel so bad for going over, my family ring about 20 times a day each because they are so worried about me. if i don’t pick up they race round and knock on my door or phone the police to knock down my door. oh heroin. why was i foolish enough to touch it again after going through all that pain withdrawing off methadone?
been back to devon, back friends with dylan… i’ll write again soon.

a month since i died a little death

me and my mate always used to call “going over” (overdosing) ‘dying a little death’; thats if you get saved by the paramedics, of course. exactly one month ago today i done a hit of heroin and cocaine, after i’d been drinking vodka all day long. i don’t remember a thing when it comes to the drugs- i didn’t feel it hit, i didn’t feel myself loose conscience… i came round after about 15minutes with 3 paramedics in my flat, half-naked (they had to cut open my clothes to get quick access to my chest) and h00ked up to some weird machine. i got worse when they arrived, having had respitory failure. i didn’t realise how serious this was, but i actually stopped breathing. the paramedics said if they hadn’t been so close to my house, i wouldn’t of made it. i spent the next 15 hours in hospital hooked up to some machine. it was horrible. mike rang my sister and mum so when i got to A&e they were there. meanwhile, i was still half-naked and in and out of sleepiness. the doctors were very nice to me.
so yeah, i had a terrible brush with death. and it infuriated my family that i wouldn’t take it seriously. i would of done, but i don’t care. i’m back on heroin and cocaine. fuck. i just really don’t see a point; this is something that is going to be with me for the rest of time. i have to accept it i suppose. i feel so bad for going over, my family ring about 20 times a day each because they are so worried about me. if i don’t pick up they race round and knock on my door or phone the police to knock down my door. oh heroin. why was i foolish enough to touch it again after going through all that pain withdrawing off methadone?
been back to devon, back friends with dylan… i’ll write again soon.

Friday, 18 April 2008


Naomi is in hospital. She Overdosed at approx. 10pm last night. She is out of the woods but still in hospital under observation. This came as quite a shock to all of us as she had been doing so well.

Sunday, 6 April 2008


heroin has lost all novelty. of course it would, seven years of it and what it brings; collapsed veins, debt, severe illness, Deep Vein Thrombosis etc. etc….. you’d be stupid not to come to that conclusion. the last couple of days have been shit. i bumped into my ‘junky’ mates who live opposite me. i hung out with them, and let two of them stay at mine for two nights. the second day i saw one had bought a £20 bag, and i asked for some. they said yes. no shit, i had 30ml out of a 160ml and it knocked me on my arse for 13 hours, i couldn’t stay awake. to say i fucked off mike was an understatement. i am at my nans now, i just walked out without saying goodbye. i have been self-harming a lot. i feel better without heroin, but i still want to top myself. more than i have ever done before. i fear, that when he walks out, that will happen. he hurts me, with what he says, but i sit there stoney faced and pretend i don’t. i would go back on the heroin, but i can’t even be arsed to do that anymore.
junkylife is dying. we need to move. anyone know how i can transfer all my garbage a.k.a writing?

Sunday, 30 March 2008

i love asti

aaaaaaaaaah. i feel so rough. no wonder, i drunk myself neigh on death last night, a fist full of diazepam (to celebrate my ‘out of the woods- i think my cluck is over’ (the physical pain part- roll on months of non-sleeping, depression etc. etc.). and the clocks went back, so i’ve had one less hour. i got all excited when i woke at 7am, thinking fuck i am getting better (you can’t sleep when you come off opiates, even with shit loads of sleepers and valium) but no, it was technically 6am. never mind. i don’t know how i got home last night but i did. i had to be carried to bed and upon waking, and waking up my mate, he told me i had given him a rough night, rolling about, stealing covers. when my eyes opened, fuck, my head was swimming. i was still in my clothes (which always indicates my incapacity from the night before; i can’t even undress myself if i get too wasted). got up, downed a big glass of orange squash, woke Mike, and wayhey, he produced a bottle of ASTI MARTINI from the side of the bed. god, thats one of my fave drinks. ASTI for breakfast with the first morning cigarette, heaven.
Hmmmmmmm…… I might go to church. Or just sit here getting drunk. Must see my twin nieces today. And stop reading my massive collection of heroin-related books. Like Christiane F, Junk, Nikki Sixx Heroin Diaries.

Saturday, 29 March 2008


I really didn’t have much faith in myself, I had good intentions, sure, you are ready to quit all the time, as long as its next Tuesday. I was 90% sure I would do it, but then this remainder was whispering in the back of my mind; “how the hell are you going to just quit something you’ve been submersed in for the past 7 years?”. I live in central Cambridge, and drugs & their associations are everywhere; the dealers, the users, the public toilets I used to shoot up in, the chemists where I would get my citric acid & needles. Urgh. I can’t believe I led such an existance for so long. Or let me rephrase that, I can’t believed I stayed alive for so long.
Anyway, I’m still clean. No methadone, no heroin, no nothing. Because of the withdrawal symptoms, my stomach has been awful. Couldn’t stop puking at first, so my drinkings cut down. Some days it is just down to a couple of cans. Considering what I was drinking, that’s left me feeling very clear headed and for the first time in years, alone with myself. Perfect for reflecting on what a cunt I’ve been to those who love me.
I wouldn’t of been able to do this without a certain someone. He has stayed around me every single day and waited on me hand and foot when I was crippled with pain. He tidied my house, collecting the 250+ syringes that were around, even though it made him feel utterly sick. He took me to Devon after deciding he would help me come off it. It was a very rash decision, quick. But I didn’t need much thought. I was on a methadone programme, trapsing to the BOOTS CHEMIST in the Grafton Centre each day, passing the same people I would pass and associate with if I was scoring. It wasn’t helping and there were days when I would see them, skip my meth and go do a shit load of snowballs instead. I was in the same drugs crowd, but expecting not to use, yet have it in my face all the time. Not blaming anyone else but myself, but it would be like doing a withdrawal knowing you had a stash of heroin hidden under a rock in your garden. Impossible. I wanted to meet his family. He means a lot to me. Bless him.
I am not jumping the gun, its been x days (can you do the math whilst refering to the previous post, I’m crap at calculating) and I know this is going to be a problem for the rest of my life. I can NEVER touch it again, and if I do, I know it will spiral into another dependance. I got a letter about finally, my psychiatrist. Problem is, I know it was a day or two ago, and I’ve missed it. I’ll get a second chance, but I feel like a git for missing it, having bitched about it for so long (or the lack of it).
Talking of missing stuff, I saw my docter Wynn the Thursday before last. She is going to put me on
naltrexone all depending on my liver function test. Which reminds me, I need to get some blood taken, the nurses tried last time and they couldn’t get a vein. Makes me feel great about potentially being in a car crash; need an urgent transfusion, all that wasted time faffing around for a vein before going for my neck or groin. And also, naltrexone, it blocks the opiate receptors; so I couldn’t have morphine (Well, I could, but I wouldn’t fucking feel it) so what would that leave me? Nitrous Oxide. What a load of bollocks. So; go it alone, or take it? Either way, the NHS only provide it with pills and like my Dad on his antabuse, if he wanted to start drinking again, he would stop taking them a couple of days before hand, otherwise, if he drunk alchohol on them, he would violently become ill. So, surely if I wanted to ever do it again, I would just stop them? But for little out-of-the-blue temptations, its a godsend I am sure. You could take it, but you wouldn’t feel it. Oh I don’t know.
I spent a wicked day in the pub yesterday with Dylan. I was ill as fuck, I knew so because my first drink was a plain pepsi, and for me to be drinking a soft drink anywhere, let alone a pub, is fucking seriously out of character.
Oh dear, I feel happy. Hear that, happy. Christ. What’s coming over me? Maybe I have mistook this 7 years of addiction for simple teenage angst and rebellion?

Tuesday, 18 March 2008


sorry, i have totally neglected this thing. haven’t had much access to the internet. “why?” do i hear you say? well, just been too lazy. i wanted to write earlier, when i got back from Devon last Monday. but, that was day one of my cluck, my cold turkey, my impending doom. i decided to stop the methadone, the heroin… just like that. i’m still hanging in there. so it has been a while, certainly for me anyway. i have never in the past 7 years gone longer than a few days, at the most. i’m just numbing myself with paracetomol, weed & alcohol. actually, strike that out, the first one; paracetomol. those are just for placebo effect. i think the only reason i am being successful is because when i tried before, i wasn’t ready to give it up. i was still enjoying it too much. now, now i’m sick to the fucking back teeth of it.
i’ll write again soon. and thanks shelly, its nice to hear from you. thought of you the other day.
george, drop me a mail.

Wednesday, 2 January 2008


whoever fucking decided to raid a 20 year old girls flat who doesn’t have a criminal record is a fucking twat. sorry, but did any police watch me? they couldn’t of because i wasn’t even anywhere near my house for weeks. so if i didn’t go to my flat for ages, why would my flat be full of drugs? what, you think a junkie is going to leave loads of heroin and crack in their flat but not visit it and devour them? duh. i know who provided this ‘information’ aka bollox. they were obviously pissed off they couldn’t find anything because they gave up searching (they didn’t even break open all my locked cupboards, my safe etc. as i think they got the picture i had nothing. but if i did, twats didn’t open the most obvious hiding place). BUT NOT WITHOUT smashing shit loads of my stuff. i had a massive oil painting of me that they smashed apart (presumebly to look inside for drugs?) which will cost me a bomb to fix. they smashed all my plates, cups etc. by just swiping all my kitchen cupboard contents onto the floor. they tipped out all my fabrics, trimmings etc. on the floor, smashing loads of glass beads, smashing my acrylic paints open. now i have to get a solicitor to claim back all the damage INCLUDING the fact they broke down my door, didn’t secure it, and i got burgled. yes, i got burgled as a result. i can’t believe this, i just want peace and quiet. the police took one look at why the door was so easy to re-break (a drugs raid; even though i was found 100% innocent with no drugs) and didn’t give a fuck about helping me. he arrested and bailed the two found guilty for it but are they going to get charged? are they fuck! they don’t want to help a junkie but if i were a middle-class mother of two they would of sat me down, consolled me and done everything in their power to bring the two to justice. police, why are you such bastards? my mum is a nurse and when somebody with self-inflicted injuries comes in (Whether its an alcoholic with liver disease, a self-harmer with an injury that needs stitching or an anorexic with severe life-threatening malnutrition) SHE CANNOT AND DOESN’T AND WOULDN’T DREAM OF GOING “hmmm… they bought it on themselves, sorry. not going to treat you. next.” but police can do that, and they do.
soooo… on another note. i had a good time in bradford. however, i went clubbing, came out at 4am and yes, HEROIN AND CRACK COCAINE FOUND ME! even though i don’t have a clue who to score off there. a person begging outside the club asked for a cig and i gave them one, she saw my arms and said “oh god, you don’t look like your on gear but thats a bit of a fucking giveaway, you want to cover them up girl. though i suppose, non-junkies won’t know, will they?” so yes. i spent £60 on drugs and went to some filthy crack den before returning to my hotel and telling my mum i had gone for a curry. gone for a curry? i went for a big massive hit and the reason i was falling asleep so much the next morning while watching I AM LEGEND is because i saved a £15 bag, shot it up and it knocked me for six when combined with no sleep, methadone & loads of booze. i might aswell kiss goodbye my life now. im going to go over one of these days.
i’ll be brown bread before i know it.