Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge

It is 10:05am and I am siting with my twin nieces, Bissy & Mimi who are still poorly. I am trying to explain to them what a Bounty Hunter is, and that led to them asking about the US Justice System. Try explaining that to two six year olds. What prompted this? Why, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter of course. My nanna turns 83 on Friday and my sister has got her Dogs autobiography. I can't wait to read it. I love that show with a geeky passion! So does my Nanna- she introduced it to me during our vodka tonics we have at night. I say they are still poorly, and they are, but they are on their feet so they have improved vastly. I went to the gym yesterday but I was so hungover it was horrible! I could only do half an hour and my hip was so bad. I have a really bad problem with my left hip but I gave up with physiotherapy years back. Silly really, as it restricts me loads and it stops me from doing things like riding a bike. I was on meds for it, a joint problem that couldnt really be figured out. I had my ipod on but I could feel my hip crack and these 2 men and the woman on the crosstreader infront of me turned to look. I was really embarrased especially as I hobbled off but it was nearly time to hit the showers and get ready anyway as I had an appointment at 2:30pm. Saw the doctor for the first time in 2 weeks and got another subutex prescription. I asked to get Christmas Eves subutex the day before so I don't have to bother picking it up that day. When I go back in two weeks, I will ask for Boxing Days, too. Christmas Eve I am taking the kids with my sister to Beauty & The Beast so I won't really have time to go get it. Plus, who wants to go get their script on Christmas Eve? I want to stay with my family indoors until the performance and then go for a christmas tipple afterwards. And Boxing Day! Making me trudge out to the chemist. Last year when I was on methadone I skipped it and got a telling off from the Chemist, this indian lady. She always has a go at me now if I miss my subutex but sometimes I have to because even though I have been giving clean drugs tests, they wont let me have one day off if I want to go out of Cambridge. It sometimes feels as if I might aswell be on smack still. After the doctor, as I was making my way upstairs I bumped into Pascale my drugs worker (well, basically she gives me drug tests via the mouth swab method. thats all) and she pulled me into the office and made me ring my old methadone clinic which is now the place that does the art therapy etc. Turns out I missed an appointment on Monday with Annette and everybody was really worried and concerned. She told me they actually thought I had gone back on drugs as I am usually so reliable now and it was completely unlike me. Pascale didn't seem too convinced, which annoyed me slightly. I wanted to prove my innocense but wasn't granted a swab test. I haven't been in 2 weeks. It would settle things right away but obviously wasn't needed this time. I left the doctors, picked up my script and put in my new prescription then headed to The Burleigh Arms where my mate Tim was sitting having a drink. I was a bit pissed off with myself that I had a double whiskey & diet coke plus a Tequila & slimline Tonic. It wasn't needed; just empty calories and a bad headache. I cracked open a beer at about one in the morning, a Stella *urgh*, took one sip and ditched it. No way. I couldn't of coped with a hangover like yesterdays. I must be getting old, because its taking me ages to recover. Or maybe its just the excessive way of living thats taken its toll? My body has had enough. After the pub, I walked to CB1 this cafe on Mill Road (there is also a CB2 which is bigger, 5 or so minutes walk away, round the corner) where I met Danni. I only went in it for the first time last year as my sister used to tell me they must have a back door for the geeks to exit via as otherwise they were totally liable to get a good kicking. No, I wasn't scared of getting beat up, I just thought I would look like a pretentious wanker. The windows are old fashioned, big, makes it like a fishbowl. I'm too aware of everybody having a good look in and seeing what you are up to. But I had to go in as I was meeting her there. We rang up College to arrange a time to go on to see what financial help I can get for my education. I am waiting on my move and when that happens, I am ready to get back to school. But financially I already have a £2,000 overdraft which I'm paying loads of interest on. Its going to be a struggle and I'll need to get a job. I'm worried about putting too much on myself... burning out. I am off to the gym later, when my sister gets back from University. I keep on thinking about gear. The doctor asked me if I want to keep going with my subutex, whether I want to be reduced and how I want to come off. I have already (secretly) reduced myself. Well, not so much a secret now. As for coming off them, its too soon. I done that with methadone and ended up literally dying when I went back on it in April. I need to go at least 6 months. As for coming off them... rehab! Detox5! Naltraxone implant (blocks the effects of heroin so you cannot feel it.) I will think about it when the time comes but I cannot stop toying with the idea of in the new year taking some gear at some point. Though, I think it would probably kill me. I am toying with it but in theory it doesn't have much of an attraction due to the fact to get it, I will have to spend £40 as for my £20 I will have to get somebody a £20, too (if I go through any othe users). Lot of money to feel mediocre and then I will have to wait till I'm in withdrawal to go back on my subbies. I probably won't do it. I'm under no illusion that I am anything special. I am not important but there is particularly a couple of people I know who would love to see me right back down where I was. I just recieved an email from one actually, quite horrible. Somebody once told me; "Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge" and I thoroughly agree with it. I am looking in disbelief at this actually, what a bastard! Right, I am going off to cook my Nong Shim Ram Yun Hot & Spicy Noodle Soup, finish watching The OC (guilty pleasure) and hit the gym. I am trying not to get so excited at the prospect of moving into a new place. Though I am totally confused about what to do; social care or textiles? or english language?