Tuesday, 25 November 2008

1 month clean

i was lazy and just copied and pasted this from my post on opiophile

i originally started my script a few days before my 21st birthday on october 1st. but i got a bit wobbley and was taking them one day, then skipping a few others. pointless, as the half-life meant i did not feel a thing. anyway, today is my first month completely clean of anything. i only took cocaine with heroin at the same time and i dont smoke pot, or do benzos etc. so its not as if i have had anything else to give up. well, yes i have, i have stopped smoking and am using those nicotine lozengers and thats going very well, haven’t smoked either but tomorrow i get paid so i shall let that be the ultimate test; see if i cave in and buy a pack. still drink but am greatly reducing it. i was doing about 35 units a day (the recommended daily amount for uk women is 2-3 i believe?) so though i tried to give that up cold turkey, i had the worse withdrawals. i have just tapered it down gradually.my old methadone clinic has been taken over by addaction (the whole system here to treat addicts in cambridge recently went through a massive change) and they run a ’structured day programme’ to get people on maintenance programmes back into a routine, while doing useful things and working towards getting back into education or employment if you feel ready. i attend the art therapy group there and they have also given me free access to a gym. i used to love going to my old gym but obviously couldnt afford it, or be arsed to go for that matter as my habit got worse. its relatively new and its brilliant with a pool, too. i found that when i stopped gear, i put on nearly 2 stone so now im 5ft5 and 11 and a half stone. all on my tummy. got a proper beer belly. ive always had problems with food so this got me down. i went shopping with my momma and got some long gym clothes to cover up my scars as i am going to my induction at 1pm. i am a bit scared, mostly because i used to be so fit, so im terribly unhealthy and i dont think ill be able to run like i used to. oh well, i will start easy. if i use it after the month they will decide if they should renew it. if you dont go you never get a second chance so thats an incentive in itself.
i feel so good. i dont really miss heroin at all. sometimes, i think “i dont know how to be anything else but a junkie!” and its scary as i havent really done anything these past years apart from make money to score drugs to take them. im having to learn loads of new shit. if i learnt to be a junkie though i can learn to be something else.i am a bit worried about my upcoming blood tests. i dont want hep c (who does?!?!) but i was so recklass, im hoping thats the worse thing that is spoken in the results session. cant believe how dumb i was but hey, got to pay a price for the “fun” i had. i had a £2,000 overdraft and im paying about £18-20 a month interest. im on £56 a week so i cant even begin to pay it off, so im just forking out for this interest. its easy to get stressed, and i instantly think “i could use that as an excuse to go back on gear” but i know its dumb.
im not thinking i have beat it. a month is so little time to be thinking i am cured. but hey, its the longest i have been clean in years really. i know its corny when they say take every day one step at a time but its true. i was worrying about what happens when one of my relatives die, i have a break-up, fail at something,…. it will be far too inviting and tempting to act out the old “just this once to get through this” spiel you give yourself. but fuck that, i will deal with that when it comes.
its early days but i feel fucking great. i am now realising just how much i let myself go and i am recoiling in horror at some of my behaviour. but, i am trying to laugh it off. like good ‘ol squeeze said “I’d beg for some forgiveness, but begging’s not my business”
thanks, i just have to get it out. my reaching one month is so foreign- i have never had this before!