boi's. violent boys.

Today I refused to lie to my boyfriends Mum. He got his money from her yesterday, £120. In less than 2 hours it was gone. So today, he asked me to lie to her to get more. He said he would tell her he purchased furniture for our new flat, and all I needed to do was back him up. I said no. I was lying in the bathtub washing my hair and he began telling me how I wasn't loyal, I was such a bitch. Actually, he said all this. I know, because it hurt so much, it burnt inside of my subconscious.
"YOU ARE AN UGLY FUCKING GINGER MUNTER""YOU ARE A FUCKING PIECE OF SCUM. DIRTY DIRTY SCUM""YOU ARE A SPASTIC. A WORTHLESS SPASTIC""YOU ARE WORTHLESS. A THICK AS SHIT WORTHLESS WHORE"
He told me how thick I was, that I spend all my time reading and giving him no attention. I was rinsing my hair in the bath, on my stomach and he launched into the bathroom and held my head under the water. It was so scary, I kicked and splashed out and went ballistic until he let his grasp go. I don't think he let it go, I actually just struggled so hard I got out of his grasp. As I got out of his grasp, my feet (which were kicking out as I was being drowned) pulled the plug from the bath. I jumped out of the bath after I got my breath back. As I sat up spitting the water out of my nose and mouth, he picked up a towel and wiped the hands he had had to put in my bath water to drown me. He then hit me with it in the bath. I was still coughing. He began to tell me how ugly I was so I covered up my naked body with it. It took me a while to get my breath back. Then I hid in the corner. While I did this, he picked up my books. He ripped them up into little bits and as the last of the water drained out, he set fire to the book fragmenst and chucked them in the bath.
He told me how i spent all my time reading. how thick i was. how foul i was. worthless.
hours later, he is at his mums. they are asking me whether i should let him back. i dont want him to. shall i shouldnt i. he threatens to kill me. should i? when i hear him cry it kills me but he frightens the life out of me. he has been violent ever since i met him. really nasty. not often, but often enough. i am worried he will top himself if i make him go for good. what should i do?

2nd November

To think my mother told me I was too old to have a chocolate advent calendar this year. And my sister too. We may be 21 and 25 but I am happy to report Nanna did not disappoint and purchased us one. Phew. I haven’t gone a year without one since I was old enough to gum chocolate. Christmas is stressing me slightly; last year I spent a few hundred pounds on presents but the irony will have it that now I am actually on subutex and clean, I have no money. A measley £200 I get a month and that is not all in one lump, so I am going to have to plan presents carefully. Everybody is telling me it does not matter what I get them, no matter how small, as they are just estatically happy I am well. That is all very well but in practise, I cannot come christmas morning deliver nothing. Twins come first and then I will think about everyone else. So much for all the parties I wanted to go to. Never mind, I am pretty damn happy just to be around my family. I love xmas time. BREAKTHROUGH: my family are actually trusting me with money. Asked what I would like for christmas, I said clothes so naturally my Nanna and my Momma will give me money, not buy them for me and cross their fingers hoping I will like them. Yes, you read me right… they are going to physically give me the money. They said they trust me. I might of wrote somewhere that never in the past few years have they trusted me with even a £1 coin, as that might be the £1 needed to make it to £10, and then get a bag of heroin. Which I do not blame them for. Some family & friends of addicts would think this is way too early to be giving money to a junky as they are only just over a month clean, but they obviously have faith in me and so do I. Even if I didn’t, I couldn’t let them down it would break their trust and their hearts. I could not do it, period. I need some new clothes, anyway. I went shopping with my Momma last week and she got me some trainers, gym clothes and one of those wanky ipod nano holders you strap to your arm for the gym. I looked the part all kitted out in my outfit but when I got in the gym I thought I was going to pass out and die. I hadn’t had a drink of alcohol and my head was spinning- before I even got on a piece of exercise equipment. I left the gym, walked to a shop but it was shut. Cashpoint outside was broken and the pub next door didn’t except cards. I took this as a sign and walked back to the gym where I started small. Couldn’t believe how unfit I was, I used to be able to do 40 minute runs at my old gym at level 10 (12 being the max). I went the next day (thursday) and did a lot better 35 minutes on the cross treader. Then 10 minute warm-down on the treadmill. When I got off that I actually thought I was going to faint. I told myself I couldn’t and shouldn’t push it. I haven’t been since, so a 4 day break. I am going today in an hour. That will give me time to have a work-out, get a shower and get to my doctors appointment on time and then to see my key worker. My key worker was off sick for a good while but she is back and I met with her at the coffee shop with her cover, Liz, who looked after me while she was gone. That was Friday. She asked me if I would like to go swimming with her as she wants to get healthy, too. I said yes, of course. She is absolutely lovely, the best key worker I could wish for. 10 years ago she used to look after my sister in a childrens home. So she sort of remembered me, but definetely did my momma and sister.
Oh it is raining and is damn right miserable. Appointments are at 2.30 and 4 I believe so I have to hang about in between. I will have to stay away from anywhere that sells yummy food. I started out so well last week; cut out booze, chocolate, ate lean meats and salads. Then, I went to the pub with my sis & momma on saturday and the drinking never stopped- I added up my alcohol calories and I nearly died. My weight is ballooning and ballooning and I need to stop it in its tracks. I don’t want to buy big clothes it will just depress me. If heroin was good for one thing, it was weight loss (note: please nobody actually take it to loose weight, took about 2 years for me to drop my weight and it came at a price, i actually looked like shit). I totally forgot my twin nieces were sitting in the front room. They have both been so very ill since Friday afterschool. We knew something was wrong as they couldn’t eat and just laid in bed, interacting with one another through strained messages spoken to me and relayed to the other. Bless ‘em. Lots of Calpol and a few days later and they should be ok for school tomorrow. HOUSE MOVE: going well. Looking to have a place soon. Phew. Cannot wait. Once I do, its straight back to work or at least work from home- but I would have to research self-imployment for a brief period as I would be doing that until September only. When I meet my key worker today we are going to go over a university & college prospectus, so I can apply ASAP. I cannot go another year without not being in education. Would kill me!
My Momma is back at work. They start you off softly, since she was nearly 5 months off. Only mornings this week. My family keep on buying me stuff and offering to pay for this and that, I tell them no need but they are so happy I am staying clean they cannot stop treating me. I guess because they have always been generous with what little they had and while I was on gear, they couldn’t treat me as I wasn’t always around and for moral and fairness reasons, too (why should I spend all my money on gear when my momma works hard for her poxy wage only to buy us stuff?). I guess she is making up for it. I should get ready- for being humiliated at the gym. ha.
Sunday, non-league Histon beat Leeds 1-0 at home. My uncle does the illustrations/cartoons for the Histon Programme so he got to go with his partner, Sonia. I totally forgot about how much I loved sport when I was using so its nice to be able to sit and enjoy it again. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/7744743.stm

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heroin has lost all novelty. of course it would, seven years of it and what it brings; collapsed veins, debt, severe illness, Deep Vein Thrombosis etc. etc….. you’d be stupid not to come to that conclusion. the last couple of days have been shit. i bumped into my ‘junky’ mates who live opposite me. i hung out with them, and let two of them stay at mine for two nights. the second day i saw one had bought a £20 bag, and i asked for some. they said yes. no shit, i had 30ml out of a 160ml and it knocked me on my arse for 13 hours, i couldn’t stay awake. to say i fucked off mike was an understatement. i am at my nans now, i just walked out without saying goodbye. i have been self-harming a lot. i feel better without heroin, but i still want to top myself. more than i have ever done before. i fear, that when he walks out, that will happen. he hurts me, with what he says, but i sit there stoney faced and pretend i don’t. i would go back on the heroin, but i can’t even be arsed to do that anymore.
junkylife is dying. we need to move. anyone know how i can transfer all my garbage a.k.a writing?

my arm

i managed to use the vein on the back of my arm. for the past few weeks constantly. i thought my god! for once my body is not letting me down, but after the first week it clearly let me know it had. my whole right arm from mid-forearm to shoulder is numb. its terrble, i have been poking it with pins, as in syringes, right in as far as they will go, no feeling. i try to pick up things but i cannot do it. there is literally no feeling there. i can still get the vein, just. i cannot feel as the pin goes in, and it takes a while to find a vein. but after every one, nearly after everyone, i get the most dreadful pins and needle all throughout my hand upwards. i cannot do anything with it. luckily, i have had somebody with me to get my hits because my right arm spasms so much and i need them to hold it still so i can get the hit using my left.
i think something is up with my vein. i did a hit today and didn’t feel it for about 3 minutes, then suddenly it hit. when i put it all in, the pain in my right forearm was so unbelievable, like something was building up in the vein. i think my hit was stuck there (i left the torniquet tight on as i lept up because of the pain and didn’t even think about removing it) and it finally got into the stream.

im in debt, ive lost even more. my body cannot cope with this.