Monday, 27 October 2008

its far too cold to be an addict

The first few years of my heroin addiction, I didn’t mind running about in the freezing cold (November-Feb/March) to make money and then walk god knows where to score the drugs. I would walk miles and miles with only my Creative Zen Micro to keep my spirits up. Then, as the years wore on, I was sick and tired of the whole damn scene and I couldn’t be arsed with it anymore. And when you are cold… I find it even harder, if not impossible to find a vein, so it was a major hassle in EVERY way. I tried to go back to smoking it but my lungs were so bad; I constantly had chronic infections. I have always loved the wintertime, but thats if I am curled up in my own comfy home watching cable TV and chugging a beer and stuffing myself with seasonal junk food. Like I said in a previous post, heroin waits for nothing; least of all the Christmas Holidays and the bad weather and you have to go out all day everyday regardless to stay well.
I have seen a correllation in my success rate when it comes to drug dependancy treatment in the form of methadone. Seems every winter I do really well, then I fuck it off as soon as spring comes around and am caining it all summer until the bad weather comes back. Ok, you have to go and pick up your methadone everyday but thats ONCE a day and takes about 40 minutes out of your day if you walk, 10 if you get a lift in the car. Like now, today I noticed its far too damn cold to be running about scoring and getting money for a fix.
I went to an appointment this morning with Pascale, from Addaction, who helped me fill in a form to move house. By the time I finished, it was 1.30pm so my chemist was shut until 2.45pm. I cracked open a beer and went to Christs Piece to sit and write and listen to my Ipod. Soon kids with their grandparents sat next to me on the bench so I had to move because I was smoking, so I went to the Princess Diana Memorial in the centre of the green. Bumped into Basil, Sophie, Amy & Lee. I went and sat with them after a while, as I didn’t want to appear like I was shunning them. I had to walk with them to Sainsburys to get their Tudor Rose Sherry which is about £2.50 a bottle. Couldn’t drink that stuff if you paid me (especially not in public). Everybody was staring at us because us three girls are under 21 and well turned out. The cans of special brew & sherry bottles don’t go.
Anyway, got back to Christs Piece and bumped into Mark Lipscombe. Met him at Oliver Ryans 21st party in September. I was rattling that day/night and puked everywhere. It was freezing so after introducing me to his mate Jack, we went to The Regal, a Wetherspoons. Had a pint. Christs Piece was full of youngsters trying to score weed and/or smoking it. Weed was never my drug but I could see myself in a few of the kids there, particularly the ones rapping about how much they wanted to die and how they’d tried to kill themselves. What can I say? Can’t lie to them. Life isn’t going to get any better than at your age. At least I don’t think so.
I have been on my Subutex again since Saturday night and I feel good. Ok. Fine. Its coming up to my Mommas holiday to America & Canada and I know she won’t go if she is worried about me (Which she permanently is). I’m going to behave, for her. And, christmas. I need to start saving big time. Last year…. I shudder at the cost.
I have my appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. Drafted in quite quickly. I also have to see my doctor to get my prescription; she asked me if a spell in hospital might help (Fulbourn, Addenbrookes, S3, S4). Would it? Probably. If I have to live at mine much longer I am going to top myself without a doubt, or less drastically, make myself homeless on purpose. It meant a lot to me to hang out with people my own age today, but they just talked about cocaine, weed & LSD. While they talked about coke, I just thought about how nice Snowballs are (heroin and crack mixed together and injected). Other drugs don’t do it for me. None do. Its heroin, my one true love. But I have to accept, I can’t have him. I can’t.