Tuesday, 1 March 2011

stomach ulcers & knowing heroin will make it hurt less

Urgh, junk sickness- that is, for all non-junkies (you lucky lucky things- never touch opiates they are not cool, romantic, glamourous... unless you find sucking off hideous fat old men in their cars down a backalley all the previous) the illness you suffer when you body is in withdrawal from heroin... well, it is curable if you manage to get the money and score more heroin. Whereas, this stomach ulcer, and the constant vomitting every morning, is not curable. There is nothing I can do for it. I stopped drinking for a bit, and I was still sick. Annoying thing is, I am not losing any weight. You expect to lose weight, well, no, you don't if you are back drinking AND taking vitamin drinks to replace lost nutrients. My teeth bother me also. They must be getting a right acid bath. Poor buggers. Filling-less, perfect. Not for long, even on sugar free methadone I am sure.

My momma took me to IKEA on Friday, I had never been there before. I got a load of shit, about £500 worth and we couldn't lift it, so I got shipping. When I gave them my postcode they thought "ding ding ding! posh cambridge people!" WRONG! quoted me £140, and when i said WHAT?! they downed it to £85. ok? no, because i get home to find out my sister got it for £35! Anyway, i needed a bit of bedroom furniture so now i have it. it gets here tomorrow.

Today I met my momma after work and she dropped me on Mill Road as she waited opposite the bank. I used her card (my Visa as its a student account- well, not anymore, but was, and it had a maximum £250 withdrawal limit per day from a ATM, which still is the case as I haven't changed it) so I had to whack £350 in her bank, plus another £150 tomorrow morning. As I was standing there in the massive queue, I saw opposite the toilets (the public ones, where you pay 20p to take a piss, or hit up... and the junkie code means you always leave the door propped open so a dopesick addict can use it after you if they dont have the means to get in and passers by wont donate a 20p piece). and next to that the mental health centre i worked at during my school work experience when everyone else went to sweep hair off a barbers floor or work in a corner shop, was the public phone boxes. Used to be 4, now there are two. I saw four shady figures I knew/know walk up to it and deposit how much it takes to make a public phone box call these days (60p?) talk, and begin striding off with great purpose.

I cannot say I was jealous, or wanting to join them. Ever since I got clean, man, I have nearly 3K saved up already, just since November, but I wanted to just go over and ask them if the heroin drought was over. Why? I don't know, not like I was going to buy any.

Was I?
I don't know. No, my mum was in the car opposite. Im just going to stay away, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I just hate all these programmes on TV, documentaries about heroin.... it was my only friend in the world. Well obviously, it wasn't, its a bloody powder. But it got me through tough times. Now all I have is booze, that causes me to puke up blood and bile each morning.

Life, ain't it beautiful.

10 comments:

WiseGuy said...

Hi Naomi!
We all have good days and bad days girl. The monkey on your back plays tricks with you! I've learnt that once you touch opiates it's kinda hard to forget! I've been in a similar situation with gear myself. Gave it up like you towarda the end of September last year. Cold Turkey. No methadone no Subutex nothing. It took me 6 hellish days to get the monkey off my back. I don't ever want to go through that he'll again! I'm worth more than that! Prehaps I can explain in detail to you some time, but I'll try and keep it short and sweet for now! Before that had a four year habbit with the foil. Never went IV. Still a habbits a habbit! And I work professionally so money wasn't an issue. I'm so surprised I never lost my job! It's when I couldn't accuire any B my world fell apart. Nothing worse that dope sickness!!!
I got sick of all the shit that went with doing dope. It's nice to wake up and not feel like shit. It's nice that I ain't gotta degrade myself to dealers that just keep you waiting because they know that your addicted and they will take the piss outta you!. It's nice to have respect for myself again. I'm slowly rebuilding my life! It's gonna take time!

I've read all your bloggs and boy was it a good read! I was hooked! Lol! You got talent! Nice writing style! Very honest!

What I want to say is don't go back! Kinda sounds like you've made your mind up though. I can't stop you. Nobody can! Seriously I don't think it's worth all the shit again, do you? Just for a massive high, you get an even bigger low! that 3 grand will be gone. And half of that cash you won't see, you'll be sorting people out with hal of that of you get a habbit again! Remember you still ain't seeing fresh cos of the juice! If you can get off that shit! All the better for you! It's worse than B! I'm sure you know!

You might think I'm on a soapbox but I ain't! I've been there and I'm trying my best to swim back to the shore! It just takes time! Belive me I think about scoring allot. But Its only been 5 months of clean living for me! I find that beer and skunk knock me out at night. I just need shit to help me sleep! Since I gave up gear Ive got really hyperactive and my sex drive has come back etc! I worry about my weight too! it's early days and our bodies are in shock man!
Any way I'm rambling on! I can't sleep tonight decided to try a night without Stella! Oh well!
Naomi I get great enjoyment from Reading your posts! Seriously could make a good book or magazine article! So keep it up! I work in media. Be a good girl! And if you can't be good please be carefull! Don't know if you can respond to this but for now refere to me as WiseGuy and I'm from London. Thanks for Reading and bye for now! X

John said...

Oh my God! So many exclamation marks! There's loads! Each! Forming! part! of! a! sentence! Wow!

Goodness! Well done! On giving! up your habit! er, habbit, I mean! Cool! And! it takes! allot,er a lot! to do it! Cold! Turkey!

Snow Queen said...

Naomi,
While I empathise with your cravings, I'd like to tell you there are some of us worse off than you, no doubt you know this but believe or not I envy you, not in a nasty way but I would readily swap your life for mine.

I can't afford furniture as I have lost my flat, thanks to my violent boyfriend. I do not have a mother to turn to....well, I do, but she sacrificed me long ago to be miles away from me with my abusive father. I have nowhere to live but a women's refuge, and my trouble is not staying clean...I have no choice...but I have no desire for smack on top of my meth and wish to god I could afford some coke to take my pain away.

I have no mum to take me shopping....she phones me but cannot be here for me. Of course I am an adult, but just saying that is one benefit I don't have, so it is good that you do.

I have cravings for cocaine every day...but those are the least of my worries, or happen because I want my pain to go...the pain from being alone. Having my drug of choice would give me the confidence to go out and meet people other than the man who beat me close to death....but he robbed me of my last penny.

Sure, it was self inflicted, an addiction like any other. I loved him....but I wish to god I had the security blanket of a family nearby, who could help me....I don't. So my only home is a women's refuge.

You have done well getting clean, you've been strong so please don't think I mean this disparigingly. Just that.....it's harder to be a junkie when you've nobody but yourself to rely on xxxx

Dad and Mom said...

Naomi,

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yesterday morning I was reading my normal blogs and got to this posting. You knocked me over.

You see yesterday afternoon I was scheduled to speak to high school students about drugs and my experience as a parent of an addict. I have a script and presentation that I always do for the students. It was different yesterday.

You see I stood up in front of this large group of students and first thing out of my mouth was, "I'm going off script today." I began by briefly introducing you, and your blog. I then proceeded to read your first paragraph of this entry word by word to my audience. By the time I was done reading every single eye in that room was focused on me. You got their attention. One of the teachers related to me it was 5 minutes into my normal presentation before she could get this imagined picture of that poor girl out of her mind.

Thank you Naomi, you made a difference in someone today.

Tori said...

I came over from Mom and Dad's blog. My son is maybe off heroin maybe not. I am not sure either way. I love your honesty, we as parents need to see what goes on with our children who use. It helps us or me because I wouldn't understand if people like you didn't share your story. I can't really say anyting brilliant other than to tell you that I am thinking of you, grateful to see your blog and wish you much success in dealing with this disease. You can make it, it looks like you are well on your way.

Hua said...

Your courage is so admirable.

Best,
Hua
healthcentral.com

Gledwood said...

I didn't want to ask you about what vomiting red blood meant. I know red = fresh and... well it was your problem to speak or not speak about and it didn't sound good.

Isn't there a combination antibiotic therapy they can give for ulcers that works? I heard there was? Obviously they'll have told you what you need to know and do. "No curry" I expect?

Bloody hell. I'm thinking about no curry and trying not to think negative. I just hope it all gets well as soon as possible. Sorry my head is in a whirl tonight I can't think clearer than this. Take care and I do admire you for not using. I was using to stop myself being nuts, it's now pretty clear. I thought "self-medication" was just a joke but now I see what I was doing. I'm just pissed off that the idiots down the clinic didn't spot it when I really was in a fucking mess a few years ago and very obviously depressed surely someone could have said or done something. I'm putting in a formal complaint. Not against any person, but I want their training procedures revamped. I'm telling the shrink who is my own consultant who would probably do the training that he can use me as a case story. I'd rather he doesn't use my name but don't care if they guess it's me.

You know everything you blog about might one day help someone else who isnt quite as clear in their resolve as you, it might help them to take the same direction so there is a Point to all this. If anything the Point is that.

I hope all goes well; I wish you all the best, take care :-)

pinkpressthreat said...

Hi,Naomi
I'm having similar problems with alcohol myself - my health seems to be holding out,but for how long I don't know.Wiseguy is right,I mean about the potential damage alcohol can do (btw if you're reading this Wiseguy,don't worry about that negative comment - who wastes a comment criticizing someone's use of exlamation marks anyway? Especially when the content of your comment was very helpful and sympathetic imo and the subject matter so important).

The other point about the "juice" (obviously you know this) is that an ex-user is often drinking to try to achieve a similar effect..obviously a waste of time because it's a different drug! I mean,yes,you can drink yourself into oblivion,but it's a whole different oblivion..you sleep different,dream different,and you sure as hell wake-up feeling like death warmed-up;at least I do(!)

I'm glad that you were able to stay away from those guys by the phonebox..that sounded like a shakey moment you had there - Wiseguy's right again when he says Opiates are "kinda hard to forget".I'd go as far as "impossible to forget"! Sad but true..

Takes lots of care,girl,and keep your friends and family close xx

josh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

hey Naomi. :)
Just wanted to stop by and say hi since you said hi on my site.
I've read a few of your posts here and am sooo glad you're choosing to take a different path in life that what you were on.
Heroine addiction is something I've been very fascinated with since I was a teenager. I've probably seen just about every "drug" movie there is several times and while I've never done it myself I think the same mechanisms that keep someone addicted to H are also responsible for pretty much all the other problems people encounter in life. Saying "no" to yourself regardless of what it is, is one of the hardest things in life to master but also one of the most rewarding.
I've subscribed to your blog and will be a faithful reader always hoping the best for you and wishing you happiness and fulfillment in your life.

-josh