Saturday, 12 February 2011

Finally, its happened.

I have been far too elusive, I know. Sorry for that. I have been clean now since late October. I would have posted, but to be honest, I didn't because I didn't know WHAT to write. I did not know why I was able to stay clean this time, and I wondered how I might respond if somebody asked me the magic question, "What's your secret?" Before when I have tried... its been an absolute failure, but perhaps that is because I had no real intention of doing it, and certainly did not have a plan, or the tools to do so. But having said that, it doesn't seem as if I have specifically gone out of my way to abstain from brown & white. When I get my money, before, I wouldn't have been able to resist going out and scoring. Then a little bit more, then just a little bit more... until my money had gone the day I recieved it. I had all the best intentions, and would genuinely believe I would start saving next week for whatever I had thought of next; my clean, sober life perhaps. But it never happened. Obviously, I was an addict for a lot longer than I knew the Ex, but he had also been an addict a lot longer than me, and he was financially supported by high amounts of benefits and significantly high amounts of money from his parents... so we differed a lot. He would spend his/our money in a day, no thought of budgeting, and once it was gone I would have nothing, but he could go and disappear and grab £100 a day off his parents until the next time I got paid and he would let his Mum or Dad off for 24 hours. Not putting any blame on him, but his drug of choice was different, and so I was in a dire situation (cocaine or crack cocaine) as that was so pricey, and I couldn't take his tantrums for money and I'd give it to him. Again, not blaming him, but its no suprise as soon as he went, I suddenly gave up drugs and can save my money. I believe what happened was as soon as he got his money, he spent it on himself, and when I got mine he would nag and nag at me for mine, and it would slowly drain away... and I resented this. He would blow his, and he expected to live off me, and when he scored and got high, it made me angry, so I would want to use aswell, albeit different ones. I wanted some of my money too, so would try to match him in what money he would use up. Terribly destructive. It is quite amazing how when you are with somebody, you firmly believe you love them, and you argue and split for a day and you can't imagine living without them, worry yourself sick how they might be without your care.... but as soon as I got rid of him, it took me about 4 days to realise how good it was. When I went to see some old keyworkers regarding my University funding, I came out to see my old friend Twin Beckie. She told me how happy she was I got rid of him, and she looked me up and down and said "just look at you.... just look at how much better you are," Simple things I didn't realise; him telling me I didn't need make-up, didn't need to wear 'those' clothes, didnt need to go out or do my hair, and god forbid I want to go out without him.... easy at the time to mistake it for love & caring, when really it is control and domination. I can honestly say I don't miss getting my books burnt, being held under a bathtub full of water, pushed, hit etc. etc. I never thought I'd be a "victim" of domestic violence and I hate to mention it, as when its been brought up people roll their eyes as if to say "oh how typical, what a cliche!" I have never felt so small or little in my life, but that is the point isn't it, thats why so many women don't leave or feel they can't.

So many improvements.... my flat is lovely. Got new bookcases to house my hundreds upon hundreds of books, done the whole place out, got my new sewing machine and have been working away. My stomach is still pretty bad, vomitting 5 days out of the week. I went to the pub yesterday and literally stuck to Appletize. That is the first time in about 8 years I have been to the pub and JUST drank a soft drink, its not me at all, so you know I have to be sick to do that! My drinking is slightly better, a bit up and down. I would never dream of walking down the street drinking a can of special brew now, but one thing I can't shake off is that evening drink! I live by myself (which I love!) and I just like to have that "wind-down" drink. It is so hard to stamp it out. Though I want to as I have put on so much weight, well, got a little chubby as I am just boozing and eating whereas on snowballs, I never had an appetite. However, I am telling myself "its ok for the moment, you have been an addict for years upon years, you are catching up on your eating. just join the gym and you'll be ok!" Gym is also good for the mind, all those endorphins it releases. Can you please motivate me to go? I don't seen to be getting myself there. I thought I might buy myself a fitness DVD but I have read reviews and its awkard to find a decent one. Though I know its best to go the gym. Its half term this week so maybe I should just do 10mile walks daily around Cambridge. It takes me 7.3miles back and forth to college alone! But as its been so cold and bad weather, I hitch a ride with my mum to her nurses job.

I have a UNIVERSITY PLACE! Studying Social Policy. I am just investigating the claiming benefits part etc. I want to work but it worries me as I used to work in Evans in the Grafton but my panic attacks & anxiety mean I can't even walk about the street by myself, so what hope do I have dealing with the public in an assertive manner? Exactly, I don't. Still, I'm just focusing on the happy news. When I joined college I was having to score drugs thus missing class, drink to get up, at lunch, at breaks and I had panic attacks if I had to speak infront of the class, literally, so bad even though I was on beta blockers (prescribed for high blood pressure). To think I went from that to this in such a short while.... I have been trying for years to turn it around. I prayed for it, begged for it... then all of a sudden, I just managed it. Not solely, but I do attribute some of my success to a) not having to go to the methadone clinic with all the other (mostly) significantly older clients b) not hanging about with ANY other users c) not going to places where I might see said users d) not talking to said users over the phone. I just got a new phone, so didn't save dealers or other users numbers but I had them right up until last week. I could have rung them ANYTIME but didn't.

On Monday I went for an assessment with addaction that deal with me for the methadone prescription, but as this was for alcohol, it was a different half of the staff. It was just going through the said form which staff roll their eyes at and seem to hate it more than the client, but as they say, it HAS to be done. It may seem a little impersonal to some but I understand why they have to do it. When it got to asking whether I had a criminal record and I replied "no, not at all" she gave me a whooping congratulations! and wow! thats so rare! brilliant! She told me she would present my case to the rest of the staff and they would decide what to do with me- i.e whether I am in need of treatment and if so, what kind, and who with. I hope I get something.

My doctors and case worker are very happy with me but I have been kind of pissed off with them, when I was off the rails they said there was no point in giving me any type of counselling, therapy etc. as I was intoxicated, well now I'm off it, they still won't give me a god damn thing. I think it is dangerously niave to assume I have cracked it all of a sudden, surely, they should be giving me therapy to try and develope the skills to cope me with the issues that cause me to use drugs and alcohol. I sometimes think alcohol is more dangerous, as when drunk, I lose my inhibitions and decide to go score, like I did when I was a few months clean from methadone, done a big snowball and ended up on life support. Still, nothing. I'm not acting as if I'm special, like I should jump to the top of the list but I have been promised help for so long, and it angers me my family have been dumped with caring for me. Yes, thats what family are for but there is a difference when they work full-time and have to dedicate every spare minute to you. Its so stressful for them, and I hate to do it to them.

Anyway..... as I always promise, I won't leave it so long next time.
Seriously, I will try not to. If i do, drop me a message on twitter or fb or something :)
I have noticed some of my old blogs I followed have become obsolete, if you have one, let me know.

Love Naomi xxx


Gledwood said...

you don't need to be able to name your secret, they're both dogshit drugs and you're better off without them, simple-dimple

i've had terrible problems with drs which you can read about chez moi i won't bore you here. now finally i'm on methadone alone i get listened to. i know i'm being taken seriously but it's got to psychotic level mood problems for this to happen which is slightly ridiculous

if you've never done counselling psychodynamic is the best because it's deepest and if you come in in a piss about something you don't wish to go into you won't be pressed you can just start babbling about your childhood or anything else that takes your fancy. it really does work but you need to go beyond offloading and into implementing change. the reflecting back does occasionally mean the counsellor is stumped but she (and it is normally a she) will also be trying to say to you "did you mean this?" or "this is what you're telling me: think about it" as i say it's all in your attitude and you seem to have the right one.

you can try asking your gp for counselling. also i got the psychodynamic stuff through a voluntary organization. often it's limited to 2 years but i got extensions.

o darling you should never give in to a man... let alone give money for crack of all things. heroin yeah crack no fucking way! well that's all over now and it's only my inner junkie talking of course you shouldn't really give money for drugs i say to cover myself in case some floating bastard decides to take issue with me...

when i was on heroin and begging i got 2 weeks' benefits to last for 1 but i still went out begging on giro day, i begged nearly every day especially friday and saturday night (obviously) you could get a tenner in the snap of the fingers outside the 7-11 when everyone was pissed up after 11pm... oh happy days

i often wonder where i got the money to fund this habit, it was only 0.6g a day but that was a bare minimum i couldn't get below, of course i could double or treble that with ease and as you know £100 a day on heroin takes no effort to binge that's just the natural level of using when you're addicted. £30 a day felt very restrictive but that was my minimum. ukk how did i or you ever get into such ridiculous straits?

i could say you don't seem the type (too nice) then again neither was i and as we both know addicts aren't really horrible (bar the occasional exception)

my problem with addicts was when the crusties all died and went away i was left on my own i just am not like those shoplifter/prostitute types no snobbery on my part it was them looking down on me and i do not approve of domestic burglary i think that's a low-down thing to do.

i never really felt i needed anyone i was in a relationship with i always made sure they were more into me than i was into them. it might sound cynnical but... o i don't know i just learned very young not to hang self esteem on anyone else. also i never had much self esteem to hang anywhere!

ok naomi i'm gonna piss off now i'm glad you're ok i hope i didn't ramble on too much i'm all over the place these days which is all down to methadone not stabilizing my moods whereas heroin does. but i don't want heroin and feel higher off it than on it!

Gledwood said...

ps did you notice the price of gear going up in the past 2 or 3 years? there definitely seemed to be more people doing big bags before then.

nowadays a lot are pisstakingly small i was talking to someone only this afternoon who was telling me x had the best gear and i said "but his bags are tiny" and he shrugs, everyone says this guy is good but i was getting literally double size and double strength elsewhere and i got someone else to score for me as i assumed i was getting sold idiot bags and they weren't they're just as shitty no matter who you are

you see this is why we stopped. not the only reason, one of so very many naomi you would wear out your hands tapping them in

re this counselling the reason you're not getting it might be you look too sorted, say you're feeling very vulnerable or very whatever and they might take a very different tack! just an idea. i hate lying and you shouldn't have to lie. mental health services (including counselling) are fucked up anyhow i think the people running that shit must hear voices themselves they certainly spout enough shit about drug addiction eg that when you use on top of methadone it's not because methadone's shit and doesn't hold you properly no matter what fucking "symptoms" you might not have we all know that unless you truly have a clean head on you just use on top constantly because it doesn't work properly if it did nobody would ever need to use on top. simple. i'm only "clean" (on methadone) because i'm lucky enough to feel too hyper most of the time, so i feel drugged on nothing no way in a million years would i fucking pay for happiness.

never ever again. way i see it i found my higher power, maybe that means different things to different people but i found something that keeps me off shitty gear and dogshitty crack (can't believe i ever got into crack. snowalls are one thing but i only liked to put £2 into a 10B hit, meaning i had enough left over to pipe...)... i also picked up the crack habit from it being right around me when i lived in what was basically a crackhouse for 3 or 4 years...

do you know what i look back and i just cannot understand how things ever got so shit and they really were shitty at the worst

as you know the more a junkie suffers, the more they'll turn to gear to feel better (something those parents of addicts need to bear in mind) i don't think the punitive approach works unless you're going to kill addicts, you wanna just give 'em heroin and shut up. stop pissing about with treatment that does not work and give the real mccoy they could end so much suffering

as for compulsory rehab: well good luck paying for 5 or more treatments per addict! i went to 2 in the same year and left on day 3 both times. i mean i wasn't sleeping at ALL and the night staff were fucking slumbering and knackered so i had nobody to talk to. it only hit me recently that this is seriously taking the piss.

i had this psych assessment recently where i had to detail everything in 45 minutes and what came up was so not pretty i realized i'd been fucked for years not knowing how bad it was.

i'm making a formal complaint about the training they're giving out because re mental health problems they honestly don't have a clue and nearly ALL addicts have some depression or something.

sometimes i wonder who's really in la la land, them or us!

Laura said...

Well done Naomi I'm sure all your friends and family are so proud of you. In the end it doesn't matter what makes you stop, just that you managed it. I hope you start to feel better soon and that your vomiting gets less. You could try other areas for counselling, I know my university offers free, confidential counselling. Not quite the same as drug specific counselling I know, but sometimes just someone to talk to helps.

Congrats on your uni place! Is it a local uni or will you have to move? I have hundreds of books too and moved permanently to Winchester recently, good god I need some bookshelves. :) Your place sounds nice.

Laura xx

pinkpressthreat said...

Good for you,girl.As Laura says,it really doesn't matter how you've stopped,just that you can often be one or two small changes - even if it's because the gear takes a downturn quality-wise,it doesn't matter.Often it's simply because you have a chance to just take a breather from the whole bloody circus!
I find that there can be a sort of correlation between the routes you take around your mind and the ones you take around your town/city/village..bear with me a second,cos I think you know where I'm coming from,in fact of course you do.If you avoid certain areas, or streets,pubs,clubs,whatever,then you avoid seeing people who enable or encourage you to use;or even just a certain place that brings on anxiety,or other triggers,and then you feel that monkey on your back again - effectively,you have to try and draw a new map of the city for yourself.
If you apply that same idea to the (far more convoluted) map of your own mind,an addict's mind,you can gradually try to take slightly different routes,ones that are perhaps more healthy for you,until you become accustomed to these new paths.It's very difficult,I should know(!),but you will get there,gradually whittling away at those well-worn patterns,synapses,or whatever the hell they are..until you become accustomed to taking the more picturesque routes around the city-in-your-head,taking time to look around you.
Shit! I realise I may be straying into hippy territory here,so I'm gonna shut up now! You seem to me to be heading in the right direction anyway,Naomi,and I'm really happy for you.
Just take care of yourself,and don't beat yourself up (sounds like you've had your fair share of that from someone else)if you have a drink,but be careful,cos you're right about messes with your willpower and before you know it you're "on a mission"!
Take lots of care Naomi x