Saturday, 25 December 2010

Happy Christmas

I am quite aware I haven't posted for a long long time. I am at college now studying for an Access to Social Care Diploma (my topics are criminology, psychology & sociology) which is for 19 year olds + who take it for a year to bring them up to university standard. The day we broke up, we had a fantastic christmas meal and drinks. When I originally joined the course I was so nervous, I thought I wouldn't get on with anyone because I had been an outcast in society for so long. However, I have got on just fine. There is a real mix of people, a lot of older people with children, and a lot of people who have experienced problems not too disimilar to mine. Its a great supportive environment and we all get along great. I will be sad to leave. The last day of term was the deadline for our UCAS forms which are our university applications containing our personal statements (effectively, an A4 sized piece of writing telling your prospective university how fantastic you are and why it is essential they let you in. naturally, i found this part very hard. saying complimentary things about myself does not come easy). As I wrote it, I remembered a lot of things I had done previously, like volunteering at a mental health centre, doing journalism experience with the BBC and working for a charity. I have applied to take a degree in Social Policy. Fingers crossed I get in. My sister took the Access course, and later went to University. She graduated this year, her third term. A degree in Psychosocial Studies she now has. I don't know how she done it, after all, she had a baby last December and already had twin girls who were 8. Amazing job. Louis my nephew turned 1 years old on December 23rd. Here he is; I am now single, and all the better for it. If I have learnt one thing, it is I probably cannot deal with being in a relationship with another addict who doesn't have the desire or capability to do something about his situation. Life is good. I have my own little flat which I stay in, and I am going to decorate in the New Year. Get a new TV, paint the walls, get furniture... I don't know what scheme I am going to go for. I thought about a 50s style pad or 60s, or a pink and zebra print theme. Who knows.

hospital,cambridge,theatre,nil by mouth,anaesthetic,addenbrookes,heroin,abscess,operation,hep c,needles,crack cocaine,redhead,nurse,doctors In hospital November 2010

I saw the Manic Street Preachers on the 1st November with my sister. By this time I had a huge abcess on my arm (you can just see it on the right, I tried to hid it). The next morning I went to the doctor and they instantly rushed me into Addenbrookes. I had to have a general anaesthetic and I was in there for a week. I had to wait 3 days for the op and I eventually got into theatre at midnight. Obviously, if they have car wrecks etc. etc. and need to operate urgently you are put back. It didn't bother me, though, but I had to be nil by mouth so I couldn't eat or drink even water, and on the third day of having to do that from 9am-11pm I felt pretty crap. I had my own room and bathroom on the plastic surgery ward and the staff were brilliant. I have nothing but admiration for those people who work there, from the cleaners upwards. When you have an abcess they obviously cannot stitch it up as there is still potentially pus and bad stuff in the wound so it needs to be left open. The day after my op, the consultant came round and removed my bandages to look at it, it was the most biggest hugest hole I had ever ever seen. Very unsettling. I had to stay in for a week. I was put to sleep with gas before they gave me the anaesthetic as they would have to search for a vein and they didn't want me to get uncomfortable, well, more than I already was that is. When I woke up they had ripped my surgical stockings (To prevent DVT) and put it in my feet. This sucked, as I couldn't walk and had to be pushed in a wheelchair down to the concourse to the stores, cafes etc. Talk about milking it!!! I missed a lot of college which worried me sick, but I just had to study hard to bring myself up to scratch. The twins (Right) and my sister (their mum) came with my Momma to visit me.

I have been clean for a couple of months. My addaction worker is exceptionally proud of me as is my doctor. But especially, to top all of those, is my family. My nanna is 85 bless her, a wonderful lady. She loves a tipple with me and she has done everything for me and the rest of the family. It broke her heart to see me on heroin. Now, she is so happy. I feel guilty about all the pain I caused her but I just have to tell myself to focus on improving my life and keeping up the good work, not dwelling. Same goes for my mum. She is a fulltime nurse and she is just so much happier. I spend a lot of time with my sister and her kids, which I love beyond belief. Considering I don't really want kids at all (or is that because I just assume I cant have them and am trying to reduce potentially hurt at having to find out I cant concieve?) I love to spend as much time as I can with them. For some reason, I just suddenly got turned off heroin + crack cocaine (snowballs). As if overnight a switch was flicked and I went off it. Its been a long time coming though, believe me. Its been a great couple of months. In that time I have had shit loads of money now I no longer have to buy drugs. I take much better care of myself and you should see the amount of presents I got my family today. I haven't done that in years as obviously, drugs won over buying gifts. I am...dare I say it... HAPPY :)

I got a brand new pink and white laptop as an early christmas present from my momma and she took me to SCRUFFS, a hairdresser in cambridge Bridge Street. I saw a senior stylist for a consulation and she fixed my hair. I hadn't had a hair cut in ten years as in 2001 I chopped off my bumlength hair and I looked TERRIBLE. It wasn't what I asked the hairdresser, and as a result I both looked like Annie, refused to go out for 2 weeks and then developed a phobia of the hairdresser. Its actually a lot nicer than it looks here ---->
But the best thing is its no longer the frizz ball it normally is. Oh and, the REAL best bit was Scruffs the hairdresser served me beer as I had my hair cut. My kinda place for sure!

I am so glad I finally got another computer. I really need it for college. I got a new sewing machine too, as the ex stole it. His parents didn't want me to call the cops so they purchased me a new one, even though it was nowhere near as good as the old one. He was in intensive care after an OD of benzos a week or two ago. I'm not heartless but I didn't enquire about him or visit etc. etc. All contact is severed and I'm much better for it. Phew. Should have gotten rid a long time before!

Ok. I know this is a really, really long post but I had to touch briefly on some of the stuff that has gone on. Actually, shit loads more has happened but I probably need to go back and look at some diaries as I have probably forgotten. My drinking is still.... still.... there. It goes up and down but I have a very bad stomach problem, I puke every day and my stomach cant take alcohol. I always have to make sure I leave an hour and a half or more between drinking my methadone and trying to down a drink as I can't risk puking it up. No way. But the good thing is with this stomach problem, its harder and harder to drink and I can't like I used to on certain days. Still thats for the best I am sure as I never felt too clever going into classes with a raging hangover, shaking like hell.

Well I hope everybody is having a wonderful christmas day, or at the very least, one that is enjoyable as it possibly can be. I am at my Nans with my sister, nephew Louis, twin nieces who I haven't seen all day as they are glued to their Wii and my mum has just left to go do her final patient... she was on a ten hour shift (nurse) bless her. Her partner is here too and so is my grandad. I am having a glass of champagne... yes real, not cava. I will definetely try and write more frequently.

Let me know how you all are. BEST WISHES and if I don't speak before, all the best for 2011

Love from Naomi xxx



pinkpressthreat said...

Hi Naomi-I've only dropped in once or twice,and so maybe don't know you as well as some of your followers (is that the right word? sounds weird disciples or sommat heheh)- anyway,I am really chuffed for you,and hope things continue in the direction you want to go :) I have had a heroin problem myself for many years but am also fairly(!) stable right now.It's nice to see one or two photographs of you cos it just helps to connect a little more-you look happy at the moment anyway.I think I'll go now,although I want to say more! Take good care of yourself,girl x - Happy Christmas ;)

Verity Vaudeville said...

How funny - I only started 'following' you today and you decided to update. Sounds like you've come a long, long way since before. And you still have so far to go still. But it sounds like you are finally finding ways to ground yourself. Ways that don't involve the recklessness that only drugs can mean. I've been in similar states of dependency, although fleeting, so I know to some extent how you must have felt going through all that.

You are proving to yourself with each passing day, that you can do this. That you are doing it. You should take your hat off to yourself and say 'well done'.

Gledwood said...

Hi Naomi it was great talking to you on Gabbly earlier. You're the first person in ages I've talked to on that thing who I actually knew from before.

My blog started going mental because of that drought post, people have been using the comments as a forum. It got very stressful sometimes, people going crazy because they were clucking, coming to me and I could do nothing to help them. I even started writing a post on mental hospitals, the samaritans and all that, but didn't post it in the end.

Then I came off gear and went crazy. Only for a couple of days, but it took me a good 2 weeks to go back to normal. I'm pissed off with drs because I saw a dr after that and of course no answers except drugs drugs drugs. I said but I'm not on drugs... ho-hum. That's one reason I'm off all that crap heroin it never did it for me any more.

I dropped by to say hi more than anything. Did you get my amazing gifts at the junkie underworld sight?

You're right I don't use Facebook but it has more to do with not really getting what Facebook's about. People call it a blog but it's nowhere near as good as Blogger, also you can't usually read it without logging in. I prefer writing my entries as a public internet page anyone can read or oomment on. Facebook has never offered me any advantage over blogger so I don't bother.

Is it just me or is Xmas telly a bit crap this year? The best thing about this Xmas has been No Family around me and a huge bottle of Baileys to myself. I see my family in the new year when it's all died down because they're not into Xmas anyhow. I'm turning into a hermit in my old age. Also a nice little temazepam collection has eased me through the day in unconsciousness!!

Wishing you the very best for the 45 mins remaining of today and a Fantabulous New Year 2011!

All the best with all you do


Gledwood said...

PS fucking hell Naomi that abscess looked RIPE!!

I had one on each leg earlier this year. One was flat, an open wound that stunk like a drain, the other all swollen and deep, with an "eye", like a clear panel into which I plunged a pair of nail scissors to ooze it out. That's the only god thing about abscesses, I love oozing the pus out. I hate pus, but love cleaning it out and making abscesses clear and clean again. My friend had one. It took two of us to deal with this thing, that was like a purse on her thigh. I was in charge of "irrigation" that is boiling and cooling home-made saline. Our other friend was in charge of SQUEEZING and oh it pumped out like a pus-factory. There was what looked like vomit on the carpet from the night before, but that was just where it had burst before and exploded on the floor. O man, this person, our good friend, did a real dying swan act, shivering and moaning etc as this goo splurged out. Then I did my trick with a 5mls syringe, getting all the very last out until it washed clear. It took us about 2 hours to achieve this. Then the wound was as sterile and clear as we could possibly get it, we bandaged and bound it up, and it never came back.

Dr Gledwood!

ps I couldn't even TELL the dr I had these abscesses thanks to the BITCH at the clinic putting pressure on me to say I'd given up injecting. AS IF. Hell will freeze over before I ever go on using gear but not injecting. So then when something like an abscess happens I can't tell anyone. Fucking drug clinics. Due to that and a few other issues they've lost what little respect I ever had for them. I hope you have a better service up in Cambridge (well that wouldn't be difficult, but knowing how dire addiction therapies are in this country I wouldn't assume anything).

Anyway sorry to go on.... have a good 'un!


Gledwood said...

Thanks for your message. I know what you mean about Evil. No escape.

Don't you think, in a way, us addicts are actually clean and pure people who cannot stand living in such a shitty world?... There has to be some truth in that. So many times, so very many times I have talked to people who seemed sour and bitter and aggressive and rough and yet this light shines out from them, pure and clear. A light I very rarely see in any "normal" person.

Please keep blogging, I really missed you. You don't have to say anything marvellous. Face it: I don't! You only have to talk about your struggles your joy and your triumph and disappointment. You don't even have to do it for yourself. Do it for your future self, to say where you've been. And if somebody somewhere can take something positive from your experience, so much the better. That's what kept me blogging. Even though I did get waylaid by obsessions with Asian cultures and furry animals for long periods (ahem!)

And please don't OD again, or end up in hospital. You're too sweet to die. A light would go out in the world and I hate the world, it's dark enough as it is. You owe it to yourself to Survive.

OK broadcast over: you can relax! I'm off cleaning before my landlord chucks me out!!

BMelonsLemonade said...

You look gorgeous. I have been clean for nearly four and a half years, and it only gets better. I feel like finally, after four years of the ups and downs of early recovery, things are really starting to fall into place for me. And you will have ups and downs, and things you never expected, but it is another journey...and from this one, you will grow! I am a writer, as well, and I just finished my memoir about heroin addiction and Hurricane Katrina, and it feels like things are just falling into place with this book. I talked about writing this book for five years, and much of that time I only wrote a couple of paragraphs, and the book finally came bleeding out. Our years of addiction give us a lot to write about, but it is best examined with some time in between...we have to get a handle on things before we really understand. You are in a good place; and cherish the family...without them, I would not still be clean today. You know, I always thought I did not want kids. They made me uncomfortable, and it was not something I ever wanted. I unexepectedly got pregnant, and something inside me just knew I wanted this baby. And he is truly the best thing that ever happened to me. He is 21 months, and he also has a great Ramones tshirt! I am a single mother, and with that journey...I have regained all the strength I lost over the years. And now, I am graduating college in May, getting a new computer in 2 weeks(Macbook Pro), have a new car, live in a cute little two bedroom alone with my son, my mother is on the other side of town, and I am finally HAPPY. I am writing constantly, like blood pouring from me to paint these amazing images on the page. Best of Luck, Naomi...and I have been only gets better. And just write, write it all down, scribble it in some offhand notebook, pour all of your demons into it with the hopes of banishing them, write! Write! Write!Check out my blog, I think you might relate to a lot of my journey.(The best posts are from May and June, I think.) Keep posting...

pinkpressthreat said...

@ Gledwood - I'm with there about Facebook..I love using Blogger,and it keeps me busy too,even though I haven't even got my own blog going yet! And @ BMelonsLemonade - All the best with your little boy..I was inspired by your comments,as I'm sure Naomi was too! Happy New Year All..Verity V. included :)