rehab! rehab! rehab!

I will post photographs from the Girls Aloud concert at the 02 arena. I was physically sick at that show for two reasons; one, the arena was so steep it wasn't just I who had a panic attack, grown men afraid of heights could not go into the stadium due to the way the place was built... the people infront of you had their heads aligned with your foot (thats how steep it was I swear!). It looked as if you were about to topple out your seat, bouncing over the people infront of you until you hit the main arena floor in a bloody mess. Secondly, I couldn't drink any alcohol as it was just my sister and I with the twins so obviously, their first trip in London and on the underground tube filled me with anxiety... I knew I needed my witts about me and to hold onto them at all times. I was frightened they would fall on the tracks/get stollen/etc. etc. Ok, ok, they are seven. Anyway, I couldn't drink so I was plagued by headaches, violent puking and shaking that looked like I had parkinsons at best. Sad, but true. My twins referred to me having a "bad head day" god they are more switched on than i give them credit for. However, Turns out they were amazingly good. We stayed in a hotel by the 02 arena in north Greenwich and they were brilliant. They didnt cry once, misbehave, moan when the queue for food reached over an hour and a half, paddy, fight.... they just were so chilled. When I was taken to London at 7 I was scared to death; I needed to be carried down the esculators on the underground as they freaked me out so much, I was paranoid the whole time I was going to get stolen and sold to some fagen-esque gang.... I was so proud of the girls. They loved it and they loved the Florence Nightingale Museum they insisted on going to and of course... HAMLEYS TOY SHOP! they both had money allocated to them and they spent it wisely on presents for themselves.

I am taking them to the park tomorrow afterschool to ride their bycicles as my sister is in hospital and she gets out that afternoon. They live opposite the park, about 5 seconds from it but my sister will be too ill to take them so I am going to. I want to spend some time with them. I spent a few hours with them yesterday and loved it, can't believe how much they change when I don't even see them for a few days!!! I want to spend as much time with them as possible because
DRUM ROLL PLEASE............

I AM GOING INTO A 2 WEEK REHAB!!!!!!!!!
YES!
I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED.
i would never have the money to do this in my life!
its been allocated to me because well, ive become such a danger to myself i will be dead in a few years if i dont, probably!! i am so happy to be given this chance. i was supposed to go in on the 12th but my drugs worker rang up and said I DIDN'T NEED TO GO IN, that my drinking wasn't THAT BAD! so they cancelled it. but my psychiatrist got in touch and convinced them that it was a life-or-death situation and they managed to find me a bed for the 19th of MAY!

i nearly cried when i heard. i very nearly did but as you will know by reading this blog, i don't cry EVER, not even by myself.


my psychiatrist said it would be good respite for me to not drink for two weeks. I explained i wanted to quit drink FOR GOOD but he thinks my liver just needs a 2 week break. i would like to think I could show him otherwise but like he says, my liver needs this break or ill be dead before I know it! my mum said to me "so you are never going to drink again?" as if she didn't believe me. i don't know if i believe myself but its my intention. however, its just getting away from that crutch of drinking all day to deal with my problems. getting away from the fact a summers day isn't complete without an ice cold beer because hello- IT IS! thats what im trying to drum into my skull.