Monday, 18 May 2009

off to rehab today

I don't know why I suddenly became so resentful of the internet.... hang on yes I do. I wrote that and the thing below last night around midnight when my computer just crashed and switched off. Noooo,.... I thought, I have to pack for rehab in the morning so I wont have time to re-write something. Phew, turns out blogger automatically saves but for some reason, not everything I wrote. Anyway, I know one of my friends who reads this commented a while back saying when I don't write he thinks I am dead and it worries him.

Anyway, its 6:48am in the morning and I am surrounded by shit loads of clothes that need packing. I am apprehensive that I am going over the top; my bag is huge. Its one of those ones backpackers use and goes down to the backs of my knees so when I walk he whacks against them and neigh-on trips me up. I always get self-concious thinking "omg, alcoholics and junkies don't care what they look like is the common conception so people will think i'm not really ill if i turn up with all this hair, make-up and clothes crap". Silly? Yes and no. You would be suprised how much my appearance at times has let me down... just recently I told my doctor how bad my drinking was and she replied with a "Well, at least you can get up and take pride in your appearance. Most people can't even do that, they lost the ability a long time ago," HELLO! Its because I am self-concious I wear make-up, I feel so hideous I have to plaster myself with it just to go out the house or even open the door to a postman. Vain? No. Just self-loathing.

I don't really know how the whole thing works, yet. I know I can't take my phone as it has a camera on. I was going to take in my digital camera and take pictures, a photo diary (not containing others, of course) but then I realised how silly that was. The sudden panic it might cause with other residents etc. I am going to take in my laptop (hope its allowed) and try and write. You are not allowed out for first 5 days, and the only visitors you have after that are non-alcoholics and junkies. So that really narrows my list down of potential guests. You have to take in all your money, smokes... there is a tesco next door to this hospital (my Dad was in and out of this same place all my life and I remember he would abscond, go to the Tesco for vodka, drink it in the lush hospital grounds then go back into the ward for a nice dinner and to sleep it off) but considering I will have no other of lifes pleasures (booze and smack) I bet I will smoke like a trooper! So I will need to bring in a shit load of those. I am getting those this morning. My mate is taking me. You are allowed a drink to get you there and I need one bad but the thing is, you can't blow over 100 when they breathalise you, and 80 is the drink drive limit. You have to be there for 10am so if you blow over that, you are fucked and lose your bed. I am thinking one can of weak beer, and now so I don't chance anything.

I am frightened. Trying not to think about it. I haven't been sober for years. KELLY I have taken in some small sewing things (didn't want to lug in my sewing machine as that would mean my most expensive possessions are all in one place for easy pickings!) to do. Hoping to reignite my passion for it. Sure I will. And I have a lot of pictures on of things I have made, if I have time this morning I will go and look through my past projects and send you the links. That is a brilliant site for sharing ideas and tutorials. Anyway I must go! Get ready. "See" you all in 2 weeks. Thanks for all your kind comments and support.

From Last Night.......
Reading Gledwoods latest post reminded me of just how dire the Eurovision Song Contest really is. I missed the whole hype that was "Your Country Needs You" (? it was that right, where they looked x-factor style for a England rep to sing a song written by Andrew Lloyd Webber) but I decided to flick back and forwards between BBC1 and whatever else I was watching so I could hear our entry. Man, the constant repeating of "its my time, its my time" just made me want to instantly become deaf. Andrew what were you thinking? I hadn't watched it since LOVE CITY GROOVE were on, and lost. I know we won it one year with that bird from Katrina and the Waves but I remember one particularly fantastic song that I can't believe did not win. Do you remember it, also? Its beautiful. Who can forget her in her union jack pants. That women was my idol for oh, I don't know, a good few weeks till I moved onto someone else. I remember getting constantly teased for having curly hair and suddenly girls were curling theres, but unfortunately, as she faded into the distance so did that fashion and it was back to jibes of GINGER!!!! FRIZZBALL!


kelly Al-Saleh said...

Chin chin!
Good luck and big hug! Hope they treat you well and you treat yourself even better.

I would love to see your projects. Hope you have the energy and will to make stuff whilst you're there. It will keep your minds and hands busy.

Take care sweetie and take it easy.
Hope you feel better for it too.


kelly Al-Saleh said...

oops did I say 'minds' as in plural?

Sorry, wasn't implying you had multiple personalities! just a typo!


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Love you, Naomi. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. And, unfortunately, the right thing is often the scary thing to do.

I am just beginning on the path of divorce this week, and it's very scary for me, too. But you and I will make it through, and our lives will get better.

Hang in there.

Tons of love,


Gledwood said...

Best of luck!
When you come out are you going to change your blog to "Girl Not On Gear"..??!?

Michelle said...

You can do anything you want to do, but only if you want it bad enough. Good luck babe.


kelly Al-Saleh said...

talk to us!!

you can't just up and leave like that, you just can't.


Anonymous said...

long time no see
what are you up to¿?
hope youre doing ok

Gledwood said...

I hope rehab's still going good. Tell us how you got on when you come out. You can become one of those "now I'm clean" bloggers. There are far more of them than "using" ones. Probably because the using ones barely get round to writing about it know what I mean...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I miss you. What's up, girlfriend? How is everything going? We need a post!