Monday, 13 April 2009

suicide sundays

"Suicide Sunday" is the term everybody uses to describe the day that for most people symbolises rest, no rushing about, lounging in ones home, perhaps doing a spot of DIY... of course, if you are a heroin addict then you do not get the luxury of a day off and Sundays are always that much harder to hustle and obtain your gear. Not many people in shops (hard to shoplift as you are more visable), not many people in the streets (hard to make your money if you beg)... the thought of a Sunday is enough to make one shudder with fear, but even more so is a Bank Holiday Monday. I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with Monday that symbolised just how at-the-end-of-your-tether one gets on this day. If I did, I would of coined it and introduced it into our (our being, the community of addicts here in Cambridge) dialect. There is nothing more horrid than a Bank Holiday Monday as it means 2 days of hard struggling if you haven't already got your dope in.

Walking to the Grafton Centre with my Momma, Sister & Twin Nieces to do some shopping I managed to pass all and sundry- mostly all looking rather stressed and upset. On Mill Road, I needed to get a Special Brew as I was beginning to shake and sweat from the lack of booze but when I went in the shop, my Momma was looking in and watching- not intentionally to catch me out, just there was nowhere else to look. I cut my losses and walked out the shop but I bumped into Beckie, the twin who had come out for some Special Brew. I stopped to talk to her and made her go in the shop to get me one and as we walked away I had her sneakily drop it in my handbag right under my Mothers nose. Obviously, I couldn't drink it infront of her or especially my twin nieces so I had to endure another hour without booze. I went and got my methadone, which was a pretty bad idea as I was prone to being sick and if I had of sicked up my meth, well... I would have been screwed. After that, we went up to Burger King where we all had something to eat. I got a horrible double bacon cheeseburger meal and I don't know why I ate it. It was sick. Afterwards, I felt so so bad. Awful. The twins were telling me how gross it looked as they tucked into their apple sticks and chicken nuggets. It did look pretty bad I admit. What a waste of £5- I could of used that to go halfs on a bag with someone. I had no appetite and every bite just messed with my gag reflex. I couldn't even finish it all and after taking the twins to the toilets, told my Mum I was having a panic attack and needed to get some air. I went round the back of the shopping mall and found a little corner where I cracked open my beer and downed it. I was listening to my ipod and was actually smiling, this huge great grin as I could feel the relief spread over my body. I suddenly didn't feel shakey anymore, I stopped sweating, I felt calm. Then I caught a guy in a car with his young son giving me a very pitiful look. I felt bad and retreated further around the corner out of view.

I kept seeing everyone I knew but since they saw me with kids they didn't really talk much or rather, not about gear. I just wanted to get out of the town and back to Mill Road but my sister was clothes shopping so another 2 hours were spent waiting and waiting. On the way back I had Mimi and I took her in the store with me and had to divert her attention while I purchased a 4 pack of Special Brew and hide it quickly in my bag. Finally got to drink it after I went to my sisters, put the kids in the bath and then to bed, then left to go back to mine. Just doing it now.
Financially, things stink. I was so worried today about £££ as I knew I needed my drink and I didn't have any. Just by Gods good grace I managed to scrape together the £10 needed for my drink and food. I notice the grave silence that occurs everytime my Mum or sister bring up something I purchased for myself in the past, or for them. In BOOTS we were looking at make-up and my mum goes "You always used to buy that Dior make-up" which was insanely expensive for me. Then she just stops, doesn't sigh externally but know she is inside, and realises that I would never spent £40 on a compact, ever again. I would spend it on drugs. I don't even have that to my name. Shameful, Sad.

What a fall from grace.


Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Naomi,

Sorry about the long weekend... yeah, it's hard. The worst time in London is the long weekend of the Notting Hill carnival.. Even if you've got money there's not a dealer in sight.

It's finished tomorrow, so I hope you can get something together and get sorted.

Thanks for the link.. and your blogs fantastic.

Take care, sweatheart... Shane. x

Lou said...

Naomi, thanks for your comment on my blog. Gosh,you are a beautiful girl. You know the heroin will steal your beauty, not to mention your soul. I'm not going to lecture, I know that falls on deaf ears. I will just say, you are young and you could start over. NA is a good start, but as we well know, the real start is in your own mind.
Please be careful, and stay in touch.

Frankiecon said...

I just found you Naomi, how come you never invited me over here? Your writings are strong reminders of the hardships I endured when I was a hope to doe junky. And Sunday's, oh fod, sme here in the states as most of my connections would take the day off and scrambling to get well was always 10 times as hard. I love your blog and I wish you the best and hope someday you would like to stop and find out all about yourself.

I'm adding your site to my roll. Don't mind do ya?

Peace Frankiecon

dAve said...

SOBRIETY OR SALVATION?We need to realize that we are not ALCOHOLICS in need of SOBRETY; we are SINNERS in need of GOD. We will never find God by trying to clean up our sinful behaviour one piece at a time.This is the wrong method to find true Biblical healing. A Christian does not keep their old clothes and simply sew new patches of unshrunk cloth on them, patching them up as they cleanse each sin.

If they were to do that their clothes would be worse off with the patch, not better! Look at what Jesus said:

"No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse.

Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved."
(Matthew 9:16 - 17)

Jesus Saves said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Micky said...

Mr. Bill Wilson, who was heavily influenced by demons, was founder of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) and creator of the twelve-step program.

Chapter sixteen (p. 275f) of 'Pass It On' The Story of Bill Wilson and how the A.A. message reached the world records Mr. Wilson's use of the ouija board, participation in séances, psychic events, "spook sessions", table levitation, and how he would receive "messages" from "discarnate" spirits.

Bill Wilson was clearly in contact with demons, and this is the man who created the deceptive twelve-step program.Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him. (Step #11.) The last part of this statement ("as we understood Him") is enough to damn your soul! God says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.(Proverbs 3:5).

This is the exact opposite of "God as we understood Him." All men, according to Romans 1:18-32, are condemned before God, because they rely upon their own understanding (Romans 1:21; Ephesians 4:18, "having their understanding darkened"), and they create (in their own darkened minds) a god of their own making (Romans 1:23).

To encourage people to turn their "lives over to the care of God as we understood Him", is to encourage people to "turn their lives over to a god of their own making" (i.e. according to their own understanding).

This promotes nothing more than spiritual death (Revelation 22:15). In addition, these twelve steps are a deceitful attack against the saving work of the Lord Jesus Christ (i.e. they are against Christ, anti-Christ, 2 John 7; Colossians 2:8-10).

The twelve steps are (as Mr. Wilson used them) given as an answer (a way) in which one can overcome sin (with Mr. Wilson's case, the sin of drunkenness).

Jesus Christ is the ONLY answer for sin. He is the only way (John 14:6). There is only ONE "step", and that is faith in the Saviour (Ephesians 2:8/Matthew1:21/John 8:36/Romans10: 13!

The above exemplifies the "twelve steps" are what are used to "become free from addictive, compulsive" behaviour (i.e. sin). In other words, the twelve steps are the saviour!

No doubt it is deceptive, because "Biblical principles" are interwoven throughout; but if they weren't, few (if any) would be deceived. One good question to ask would be, "Where does Scripture talk about any 'twelve steps'"? The answer? Nowhere!These twelve steps come from Satan (via Bill Wilson), who is the master deceiver (Revelation 12:9). Remember, SATAN used Scripture to tempt Christ (Matthew 4:6), and Balaam spoke much truth (Numbers 23-24); but he was a false prophet (2 Peter 2:15-16/Numbers 22).

In Matthew 7:13-14 Jesus warned, Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Jesus likewise warned in Luke 13:24, Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able.

Micky said...

One of the motivational phrases used in many 12-step programs is, “It don’t work unless you work it.”

In reality they offer a plan of salvation to drunkenness based upon works. They have tried to implement biblical principles upon one sin, rather than the whole, and in doing so they missed the greatest part of the gospel message.

That Christ actually sets you free! If anyone is in Christ he is a new creature, if anyone is in AA they are forever an alcoholic.

"Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." - John 8:34-36

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1, 2

Michelle said...

Dealers take days off work in England? On Sundays and holidays? Whaaaaat? I live in Florida, and even on Christmas they were answering them phones and making deliveries. Of course they all closed down before midnight and didn't re-open until after 7am, I couldn't score late...

HepC and ulcers aren't that bad, I got both and here I am. All that shit you talked about, maybe you have leukemia? Get that shit checked out, I knew someone had the same shit going on and that's what it was. You really are gorgeous though, no joke.


Gledwood said...

Sundays never used to be THAT shit as I spose I must have had a good begging place in an ultra bougeois LEFTY area. Tory voters are so stingy, I learned (as if I needed anybody to tell me THAT.) My memories of bank holidays are worst for JOBS I used to do and get unwillingly LAID OFF for the day when I really could have done with the pay. Another reason Sundays weren't TOO bad ~~ I always got DSS on Friday/Saturday and so would have gear money left on Sunday as I didn't go mental on crack as nearly everyone else I know would do...

hey what's this bipolar you said about? you got a bipolar diagnosis? doesn't gear/methadone flatten out mood swings? It did me ++ I know someone who actually came off lithium on gear and hasn't had an "episode" since... I never got diagnosed anything but depressed but that's bc I never told drs about my little "highs".

I posted on this yesterday, as the mental health nurse appears to think I went "manic" while detoxing (years ago) if you have a comment on that I'd be grateful to hear it