Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Parenting dilema #1 of many

Happy Smiley Carson
I'm in love and happy with my son and yes, I once used to scoff when I heard such things as "they make life worth living" or "they are the light of my life" but I no longer do. Well, actually, thats not correct, I still do as I think 'come on, can't we be a little more creative?' but I get it now. I understand. Its the truth. I can't put into words what I feel for this little lad. I love my twin nieces and nephew beyond belief, but despite this great love for them, it differs to this. I shall note it is not less. I cannot put my finger on it exactly but I suppose it is because my nieces and my nephew had my sister, their Mum to be the protector. But with Carson, I know he depends totally exclusively on me. There is nobody else that will do that. So I have to be OK 24/7, there 24/7, oncall 24/7... Already things are starting to split me in half. My sister got her degree last year and had been searching for a job for ages but had no luck. The market in the UK didn't hold out much hope of throwing up a part-time job for her so she agreed she would look after my son while I was at University until a space became available at a nearby nursery. As it happens, the waiting lists are either shut or open but with no hope of a place until at least September 2012. So, I'll have to get a childminder, if I can. But that is where the split comes in; although my Nanna was a childminder, who was absolutely brilliant and most of the kids she looked after called her Nan too, in my experience I haven't come across many people with this personal touch. My nan is 85 now and although she does look after family kids, I don't want to make her have the baby. Don't get me wrong, she loves her grandkids and great-grandkids but she is retired now for a reason. My son is just hard work! I'm still not getting to sleep in my bed as he refuses to be put in his moses basket so I have to sit up with him all night, and during the day he refuses to be left alone even for a second while I go take a piss! He starts screaming hysterically! I fuss him like hell (well, cut me some slack, I am his mum!) and in a way, I really don't want to leave him, but if I have to, my sister was first choice. But I'm glad she has got a job. I was actually due to start uni on September 12th, after giving birth on August 5th but University here in Cambridge offer January starts thank god, so I jumped at the chance when they offered me this. I would love to leave it till Sep 2012 but I can't unless I want to pay double as University fees are going up.  If Carson werent here I wouldn't care about the debt, but the whole point of me wanting to go to Uni is to get a degree so I can get a good job to look after him and make sure he is OK. So, its stay at home and end up an extra £10-15k in debt or go now and have him looked after by someone I don't know. That thought simply already fills me with dread and makes me sick. I just picture undercover programmes on unfit nannies who maltreat the kids, articles on sex offenders whose inknowing partners were childminders... Ha, I feel like this and I'll only be leaving him one day and two half days a week! So... as of now, I'm madly going around trying to get care. I hope I can handle it, I'm sure I can. Things are going well, but the past is always there lingering, especially like it tends to in small places like Cambridge. I don't know, I'm being applauded in many ways but its like two steps forward, and two back all the time. I'm stationed in this exact place, and I can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes I wish I was just totally down in the dumps again, thoroughly miserable, hopelessly depressed. Sounds odd when right now part of me can be happy. Though, when its like this, I find it a million times worse. Because before, there were no glimpses of happiness, and it had been so long since I'd felt it, I'd long forgotten it. Now I get the occasional flash, or rush when I'm with my boy and it just brings a wave of sadness right after as I know for me, its unobtainable, as it was for my Dad and many other relatives and it frightens me what affect I will have on Carson as he grows older, or how he might be affected genetically.
I try not to think about it too much. I try and just focus on my boy, who right now is sitting on my lap. He will be eleven weeks on Friday 21st. Judging by all the people from the drug scene in Cambs who have had their kids taken away, kids don't always change you to such a degree you completely change. So far, all my habits have but most worryingly, my thoughts haven't. It's odd, I'm not depressed but I know I'm not cured. There's something in the water still.


bugerlugs63 said...

Hi. I've been thinking about you and your situation. I wish I wasn't so tired as its hard to think and to put what I think into written words that will come across ok. I would take some pressure off yourself and leave Uni till 2012. Yes I know this might incur more debt. I say might as who knows what could change by then? 6 months ago you thought you would never have children . . you might just have this one. I'm not of the opinion that all mothers should stay at home for the first 4 years. I think it's different for everyone. It wouldn't just be about the two days you have to leave him, there would be heaps of studying to do & a fair bit of pressure. I hear this is all for Carson's good, and thats great. I don't doubt you will get a degree. But that don't guarantee an immediate good job or Carson being ok. I hope this is not sounding harsh, cus I'm not meaning it to. I feel you have been through a lot in the last year and although you probably could do this now & cope with it, I also feel you could chill for a year with your boy. It goes so fast and they are not babies for long. Much of their security is established in these very early years/months and he will feel your worry, which might be why he let grandad put him to bed ok. I really think the less stuff you have to worry about in the next year would be better for you both. You are young and one "gap" year to give him a stressless start is worth more than any money. I so don't want to sound patronizing and if I do, I'm sorry. Can he not sleep in your bed with you? I know there are so many varying opinions and theories on all of these matters. but as I said, it might only happen once, its only one year . . . He would happily be transferred into a cot next to you after a while, but at least for now you would be getting some precious sleep. Like you said "he is hard work" . . they are hard work. If you were to do nothing other than bring Carson up for the next year you will have done great. Although you feel you are stuck in the same place & haven't moved, you have come so far in the past year. Even in the last six months. Looking back to the worry of him not growing inside you to where you are now. It is a huge thing to go through. You have come a long way & changed many things but you are so right when you say that having children doesn't necessarily change the things that need changing . . . if only :-) We would all be perfect parents if that were the case. I know I have gone on for far too long here and I still want to say that its sad that your moments of "happiness" are followed by a kind of fear of never keeping that feeling, for the various reasons you gave. You can have & keep those feelings. It will take some working on for sure, but I think to work on that for the next year instead of a degree would do much more towards a guarantee of you both being ok. Im sorry if I've gone on for too long or overstepped the mark in any way. Im tired and haven't checked this over. I just felt for you when I read your post and wondered if I could say anything that might help. This is all just my opinion but I think with all you've been through you both deserve the best start at being a Mum & a Son. x

Fractalmom said...

Get checked for post partum depression. NOW

pinkpressthreat said...

Interesting and insightful comments there from bugerlugs63...I'm not a parent myself, but I am an uncle to four nephews and a niece; of the five of them it is she who I feel closest to . I just spent the week at my sister's, and had a chance to get to know her and to celebrate her 16th birthday with her. I'm 46 now, and have no plans for a family, so this may be the closest I come to fatherhood; I am surprised at how strong the love is that I have for this girl, and was touched by the way you describe your feelings for your nieces and nephew as "not less", but different.
All the very best to you Naomi, and I hope you come to a decision about University which works for you, and is mutually beneficial. Take lots of care; bye for now xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Carson is so cute! That's wonderful that you have a baby. I'm sorry, but I sort of lost track of what's been going on with you. I just haven't been getting around the blog world like I used to. Last I knew--you were off to rehab. Obviously, a lot has happened since.

So happy for you! You sound like a terrific mom. Good luck with everything.


Last 100 Days as an Alcoholic said...

Wow - I almost tried to read that without breathing and nearly fainted!
Lot's going on, and a beautiful baby too!
Keep sane and sober and be the best you can for everyone.

Gledwood said...

You could look into going to uni abroad. I know there are English language courses in Holland and I was looking at doing a degree in Germany where fees are really low, about £500 a year if I remember rightly but there's a language problem there. But anyway it's worth considering. And what about Ireland...?

It must be REALLY HARD looking after a baby. You have my 100% admiration. I would be crap at it!

Anonymous said...

hi, i would love to have a baby. I feel it would be the only thing that would give me a reason to stay off drugs. i admire you so much and have just found your blog and i'm going to go through your old posts to see how you have managed to do it.
I too have just started a blog, but only have one follower. please check it out and if you like it, please be my number two.
merry xmas and wishing you all the best for 2012

Gledwood said...

Hi I'm just dropping by to wish you both a very merry one and all the best for 2012!

ChefGreen said...

Hey Naomi, I've been reading your blog for a few days now. I have enjoyed hearing about your experiences. I'm glad you chose to share them with us--I used to find a lot of strength in blogging too. It was kind of a comfort in dark days, and so it remains.

I'm so pleased that you're well and that you have a beautiful baby boy.

Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...

So the clean time didn't last long. Hopefully Carson will be taken from you soon if he hasn't already.

naomi said...

ummmm... what do you mean the clean time didnt last long, "anonymous"? id love an answer as this really doesnt make any sense.