This is the test

Whoops. I was thinking about my twin nieces birthday, which is technically now since it is 00:14. They are seven. I was thinking about the GIRLS ALOUD concert i am taking them to next sunday and the hotel we are staying in that night and the museums and places of historical interest the next day I & my sister, their mum, are taking them to. I was reading Shelleys blog, THOSE WHO DANCE... (its in the links) and thought, hell, she is coming off the liquid handcuffs. I came off the liquid handcuffs last year and as a result, I died (see last post) I can't believe what I just done. I just went outside into the garden while smoking my cigarette and squirted my last hit into the grass; £10 heroin and £5 crack. Just squirted it away. No chance of getting it back. Its in the grass. I think I realised there Is no JUST ONE LAST HIT. its bullshit. there is no ONE LAST HIT. you have to stop it. my doctor wants to put me back on subutex so come monday morning, that is what i am going to do. i wouldnt of done if i hadnt of squirted my snowball away but NOW I WILL. i go to my kids party tomorrow and i love them, i dont want them to see what i saw. i dont want me to do to them what my dad did to me.

a year ago today

Time goes so quickly it very ceases to scare the hell out of me. Exactly a whole year ago today I was, around this time give an hour or take an hour, being rushed to hospital after having respiratory & heart failure, where I was kept overnight before duly coming round and leaving that next day in the early afternoon. What scares me is the state I was in last year. Yes, I had detoxed off methadone (being clean and drunk and doing that fateful shot of cocaine & heroin which lets face it, was only about 1/15th of my normal dosage but hey, thats what kills, sober people underestimating their tolerance) but my head was not in a good place. I was boozing all the time with my 'mate' and I just never stopped. I couldn't sleep due to my lack of opiates so instead of drinking normal hours, I was drinking all hours. My body was in such a mess. Last year, I didn't even remember that, before I took that shot which I knew was playing russian roulette with my life, it was my twin nieces 6th birthday in 2 days. It didn't register. I don't even remember their birthday last year. I was there, but I don't remember. I cannot believe that. Makes me feel very ashamed. Anyway, today I went out and met my keyworker to help me fill in my DLA (Disability Living Allowance) forms and deal with housing. and got the twins their birthday presents. I was ducking and diving through town, avoiding everyone I could. I purchased 2x £20 heroin and 1x £20 crack cocaine on Wednesday. I have loads of crack left and just under a bag of gear. Can't believe I made it last so long. It is no coincidence that my drinking has gone down loads. When I don't have gear, I booze to excess. I feel so much healthier on heroin than I do alcohol. Oh, the sheer irony! It isn't the actual heroin that makes it the devils drug, its the implications due to it being illegal. When I went to the chemist today I saw this women who must be about 40 who was a junkie but looks absolutely smoking, fucking beautiful mumma she is. She doesn't drink a drop but was banging up like it was going out of fashion most of her life. Can you tell? Nope.

I presume everybody has heard about the G20 Summit Protests in London. Now, the officer who shoved Ian Tomlinson to the ground has been arrested for Manslaughter. It has been interesting sitting in the pub over the last few days, listening to some very very educated peoples wide ranging opinions on the matter. I had seen in the newspaper, stills of the women and a policeman with his truncheon raised. It wasn't until today I saw it on the widescreen TV of the pub in motion. I listened to her words and I listened to one say to us "completely brutal... thank god we have brave people like her standing up for what they believe in". Completely brutal... ummm, perhaps a bit heavy handed. Brave? BRAVE? WHAT A FUCKING JOKE! Brave is what the women in Kabul were on Wednesday when they marched peacefully through the streets against what effectively are pro-rape laws. Along the way they were spat at and people threw stones at them. This women in the YouTube film is winding up this copper, going back and back to him. You can hear something along the lines of "i'm a woman" as if this means her behaviour can be excused, they will whack you women or man. If you are told to back off you don't keep on going back and back to a copper do you? All it seems is the mob mentality whipped her up into a bit of a frenzy and they were just having a go at the nearest authority figure (in this case, the long lines of cops). Don't get me wrong, I'm not sticking up for the cops but don't these people realise they can't exactly have a lengthy debate about climate change with the riot police while on duty.

Also, I couldn't help but cringe a little as the 40 and 50-somethings around the bar were laughing out loud at "my generation" as they held banners at the protest while carrying cans of Scrumpy Jack, smoking fags and wearing shoes that probably cost god knows how much financially and envionmentally to ship from China. Eh. I know its not plausible to be 100% green overnight and its not going to happen but ooooh, I felt a little embarrased for them. They just looked like apathetic youths wanting to have a go about anything, passionate enough to get up and protest for the cause but not passionate enough to not swig their way through cans of booze throughout it. Here I am talking about giving things a bad name but they sat and took the royale piss out of them and it touched a nerve with me as I am their age. And why? Because I think terrorism is terrible, the sex trade is terrible, violence is terrible... but I contribute to it all by buying illegal drugs. I felt like the burning hypocrite in the room, I really did.

Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge

It is 10:05am and I am siting with my twin nieces, Bissy & Mimi who are still poorly. I am trying to explain to them what a Bounty Hunter is, and that led to them asking about the US Justice System. Try explaining that to two six year olds. What prompted this? Why, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter of course. My nanna turns 83 on Friday and my sister has got her Dogs autobiography. I can't wait to read it. I love that show with a geeky passion! So does my Nanna- she introduced it to me during our vodka tonics we have at night. I say they are still poorly, and they are, but they are on their feet so they have improved vastly. I went to the gym yesterday but I was so hungover it was horrible! I could only do half an hour and my hip was so bad. I have a really bad problem with my left hip but I gave up with physiotherapy years back. Silly really, as it restricts me loads and it stops me from doing things like riding a bike. I was on meds for it, a joint problem that couldnt really be figured out. I had my ipod on but I could feel my hip crack and these 2 men and the woman on the crosstreader infront of me turned to look. I was really embarrased especially as I hobbled off but it was nearly time to hit the showers and get ready anyway as I had an appointment at 2:30pm. Saw the doctor for the first time in 2 weeks and got another subutex prescription. I asked to get Christmas Eves subutex the day before so I don't have to bother picking it up that day. When I go back in two weeks, I will ask for Boxing Days, too. Christmas Eve I am taking the kids with my sister to Beauty & The Beast so I won't really have time to go get it. Plus, who wants to go get their script on Christmas Eve? I want to stay with my family indoors until the performance and then go for a christmas tipple afterwards. And Boxing Day! Making me trudge out to the chemist. Last year when I was on methadone I skipped it and got a telling off from the Chemist, this indian lady. She always has a go at me now if I miss my subutex but sometimes I have to because even though I have been giving clean drugs tests, they wont let me have one day off if I want to go out of Cambridge. It sometimes feels as if I might aswell be on smack still. After the doctor, as I was making my way upstairs I bumped into Pascale my drugs worker (well, basically she gives me drug tests via the mouth swab method. thats all) and she pulled me into the office and made me ring my old methadone clinic which is now the place that does the art therapy etc. Turns out I missed an appointment on Monday with Annette and everybody was really worried and concerned. She told me they actually thought I had gone back on drugs as I am usually so reliable now and it was completely unlike me. Pascale didn't seem too convinced, which annoyed me slightly. I wanted to prove my innocense but wasn't granted a swab test. I haven't been in 2 weeks. It would settle things right away but obviously wasn't needed this time. I left the doctors, picked up my script and put in my new prescription then headed to The Burleigh Arms where my mate Tim was sitting having a drink. I was a bit pissed off with myself that I had a double whiskey & diet coke plus a Tequila & slimline Tonic. It wasn't needed; just empty calories and a bad headache. I cracked open a beer at about one in the morning, a Stella *urgh*, took one sip and ditched it. No way. I couldn't of coped with a hangover like yesterdays. I must be getting old, because its taking me ages to recover. Or maybe its just the excessive way of living thats taken its toll? My body has had enough. After the pub, I walked to CB1 this cafe on Mill Road (there is also a CB2 which is bigger, 5 or so minutes walk away, round the corner) where I met Danni. I only went in it for the first time last year as my sister used to tell me they must have a back door for the geeks to exit via as otherwise they were totally liable to get a good kicking. No, I wasn't scared of getting beat up, I just thought I would look like a pretentious wanker. The windows are old fashioned, big, makes it like a fishbowl. I'm too aware of everybody having a good look in and seeing what you are up to. But I had to go in as I was meeting her there. We rang up College to arrange a time to go on to see what financial help I can get for my education. I am waiting on my move and when that happens, I am ready to get back to school. But financially I already have a £2,000 overdraft which I'm paying loads of interest on. Its going to be a struggle and I'll need to get a job. I'm worried about putting too much on myself... burning out. I am off to the gym later, when my sister gets back from University. I keep on thinking about gear. The doctor asked me if I want to keep going with my subutex, whether I want to be reduced and how I want to come off. I have already (secretly) reduced myself. Well, not so much a secret now. As for coming off them, its too soon. I done that with methadone and ended up literally dying when I went back on it in April. I need to go at least 6 months. As for coming off them... rehab! Detox5! Naltraxone implant (blocks the effects of heroin so you cannot feel it.) I will think about it when the time comes but I cannot stop toying with the idea of in the new year taking some gear at some point. Though, I think it would probably kill me. I am toying with it but in theory it doesn't have much of an attraction due to the fact to get it, I will have to spend £40 as for my £20 I will have to get somebody a £20, too (if I go through any othe users). Lot of money to feel mediocre and then I will have to wait till I'm in withdrawal to go back on my subbies. I probably won't do it. I'm under no illusion that I am anything special. I am not important but there is particularly a couple of people I know who would love to see me right back down where I was. I just recieved an email from one actually, quite horrible. Somebody once told me; "Success Is The Best Form Of Revenge" and I thoroughly agree with it. I am looking in disbelief at this actually, what a bastard! Right, I am going off to cook my Nong Shim Ram Yun Hot & Spicy Noodle Soup, finish watching The OC (guilty pleasure) and hit the gym. I am trying not to get so excited at the prospect of moving into a new place. Though I am totally confused about what to do; social care or textiles? or english language?

2nd November

To think my mother told me I was too old to have a chocolate advent calendar this year. And my sister too. We may be 21 and 25 but I am happy to report Nanna did not disappoint and purchased us one. Phew. I haven’t gone a year without one since I was old enough to gum chocolate. Christmas is stressing me slightly; last year I spent a few hundred pounds on presents but the irony will have it that now I am actually on subutex and clean, I have no money. A measley £200 I get a month and that is not all in one lump, so I am going to have to plan presents carefully. Everybody is telling me it does not matter what I get them, no matter how small, as they are just estatically happy I am well. That is all very well but in practise, I cannot come christmas morning deliver nothing. Twins come first and then I will think about everyone else. So much for all the parties I wanted to go to. Never mind, I am pretty damn happy just to be around my family. I love xmas time. BREAKTHROUGH: my family are actually trusting me with money. Asked what I would like for christmas, I said clothes so naturally my Nanna and my Momma will give me money, not buy them for me and cross their fingers hoping I will like them. Yes, you read me right… they are going to physically give me the money. They said they trust me. I might of wrote somewhere that never in the past few years have they trusted me with even a £1 coin, as that might be the £1 needed to make it to £10, and then get a bag of heroin. Which I do not blame them for. Some family & friends of addicts would think this is way too early to be giving money to a junky as they are only just over a month clean, but they obviously have faith in me and so do I. Even if I didn’t, I couldn’t let them down it would break their trust and their hearts. I could not do it, period. I need some new clothes, anyway. I went shopping with my Momma last week and she got me some trainers, gym clothes and one of those wanky ipod nano holders you strap to your arm for the gym. I looked the part all kitted out in my outfit but when I got in the gym I thought I was going to pass out and die. I hadn’t had a drink of alcohol and my head was spinning- before I even got on a piece of exercise equipment. I left the gym, walked to a shop but it was shut. Cashpoint outside was broken and the pub next door didn’t except cards. I took this as a sign and walked back to the gym where I started small. Couldn’t believe how unfit I was, I used to be able to do 40 minute runs at my old gym at level 10 (12 being the max). I went the next day (thursday) and did a lot better 35 minutes on the cross treader. Then 10 minute warm-down on the treadmill. When I got off that I actually thought I was going to faint. I told myself I couldn’t and shouldn’t push it. I haven’t been since, so a 4 day break. I am going today in an hour. That will give me time to have a work-out, get a shower and get to my doctors appointment on time and then to see my key worker. My key worker was off sick for a good while but she is back and I met with her at the coffee shop with her cover, Liz, who looked after me while she was gone. That was Friday. She asked me if I would like to go swimming with her as she wants to get healthy, too. I said yes, of course. She is absolutely lovely, the best key worker I could wish for. 10 years ago she used to look after my sister in a childrens home. So she sort of remembered me, but definetely did my momma and sister.
Oh it is raining and is damn right miserable. Appointments are at 2.30 and 4 I believe so I have to hang about in between. I will have to stay away from anywhere that sells yummy food. I started out so well last week; cut out booze, chocolate, ate lean meats and salads. Then, I went to the pub with my sis & momma on saturday and the drinking never stopped- I added up my alcohol calories and I nearly died. My weight is ballooning and ballooning and I need to stop it in its tracks. I don’t want to buy big clothes it will just depress me. If heroin was good for one thing, it was weight loss (note: please nobody actually take it to loose weight, took about 2 years for me to drop my weight and it came at a price, i actually looked like shit). I totally forgot my twin nieces were sitting in the front room. They have both been so very ill since Friday afterschool. We knew something was wrong as they couldn’t eat and just laid in bed, interacting with one another through strained messages spoken to me and relayed to the other. Bless ‘em. Lots of Calpol and a few days later and they should be ok for school tomorrow. HOUSE MOVE: going well. Looking to have a place soon. Phew. Cannot wait. Once I do, its straight back to work or at least work from home- but I would have to research self-imployment for a brief period as I would be doing that until September only. When I meet my key worker today we are going to go over a university & college prospectus, so I can apply ASAP. I cannot go another year without not being in education. Would kill me!
My Momma is back at work. They start you off softly, since she was nearly 5 months off. Only mornings this week. My family keep on buying me stuff and offering to pay for this and that, I tell them no need but they are so happy I am staying clean they cannot stop treating me. I guess because they have always been generous with what little they had and while I was on gear, they couldn’t treat me as I wasn’t always around and for moral and fairness reasons, too (why should I spend all my money on gear when my momma works hard for her poxy wage only to buy us stuff?). I guess she is making up for it. I should get ready- for being humiliated at the gym. ha.
Sunday, non-league Histon beat Leeds 1-0 at home. My uncle does the illustrations/cartoons for the Histon Programme so he got to go with his partner, Sonia. I totally forgot about how much I loved sport when I was using so its nice to be able to sit and enjoy it again. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/fa_cup/7744743.stm

a month since i died a little death

me and my mate always used to call “going over” (overdosing) ‘dying a little death’; thats if you get saved by the paramedics, of course. exactly one month ago today i done a hit of heroin and cocaine, after i’d been drinking vodka all day long. i don’t remember a thing when it comes to the drugs- i didn’t feel it hit, i didn’t feel myself loose conscience… i came round after about 15minutes with 3 paramedics in my flat, half-naked (they had to cut open my clothes to get quick access to my chest) and h00ked up to some weird machine. i got worse when they arrived, having had respitory failure. i didn’t realise how serious this was, but i actually stopped breathing. the paramedics said if they hadn’t been so close to my house, i wouldn’t of made it. i spent the next 15 hours in hospital hooked up to some machine. it was horrible. mike rang my sister and mum so when i got to A&e they were there. meanwhile, i was still half-naked and in and out of sleepiness. the doctors were very nice to me.
so yeah, i had a terrible brush with death. and it infuriated my family that i wouldn’t take it seriously. i would of done, but i don’t care. i’m back on heroin and cocaine. fuck. i just really don’t see a point; this is something that is going to be with me for the rest of time. i have to accept it i suppose. i feel so bad for going over, my family ring about 20 times a day each because they are so worried about me. if i don’t pick up they race round and knock on my door or phone the police to knock down my door. oh heroin. why was i foolish enough to touch it again after going through all that pain withdrawing off methadone?
been back to devon, back friends with dylan… i’ll write again soon.