A long time coming....

I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.

Things are good.
My health hasn't been unfortunately, and I have been in hospital 3 times this year alone but since late February things have been so-so and I haven't needed to go back there. I am currently waiting for my next cardiology appointment as it appears I have a dodgy ticker.

In the meantime, I leave you with 2 pictures of my darling Carson who will be 3 in August.

Anonymous, Anonymous, where thou art my hater?

Quick Note: Always amazes me how on the internet people don't dare comment and provide their names and emails and urls if they have one. I am a mother, I am hardly going to hunt you down or curse you out am I? And if I know you in real life, I wouldn't bother retaliating, its not in my nature. So why not be honest. If you are in my 'real life' then feel free to comment, everybody judges, its human nature. But you actually don't really have any proof or evidence to back up what you are saying- or do you? They only way I think you could possibly is if you know me personally in the real world. For all those that are wondering what I am on about- check the last comment on the previous post. "Anonymous" said my sober time didn't last long and they hope Carson has been removed from my care but suspect he may have been already.

I realise I haven't updated in an extremely long time. I would say shame on me but for once, it is not just me being a slacker, it is because I genuinely am very, very busy.
I started University in January 2012 and I absolutely love it. It feels so good to be back in education, using my brain, working towards something (a successful future).
My sister has a full-time job so she could no longer care for my son, which left me with no other option but to find childcare outside of the family. My mum is a full-time nurse so that was an impossibility, my nanna is 86 so it would be unfair to make her do that... Oh yeah, my sister finally found a job which she had been searching for since graduating from university. I heard people hark on about the economic climate but until I saw it first hand I really didn't appreciate how catastrophic things were and how jobs were increadibly hard to come by. Anyway, back onto the subject... childcare and nurseries in Cambridgeshire were full to the brim with most waiting lists either closed or over a year long. I was resigning myself to having to delay my course start by a year when the Gods clearly shon down on me and a place opened up at an absolutely superb nursery with an excellent OFSTED inspection. My sisters son went there previously and he adored it, as does Carson. Each day when I collect him I am given a report on his day; what he has eaten, played with, activities etc. etc. I was worried how he would get on but each day I leave him he doesn't shed a tear, and when I pick him up I am informed what a- and i quote- "absolute superstar" he is. There are 6 children in his room to 4 staff. His room is for 3months-2 year olds, him being the youngest. I feel totally at ease leaving him there and he is thriving.

He is nearly 7 months old now and he is eating and drinking out of a dodie cup (like an adult cup basically, as it has no lid or spout). He refuses a bottle with a teat and while its messy (he likes to tip half the liquid down himself) it is better for his teeth in the long-run as bottles are not advised for use after 1 year. Hopefully as he doesn't have a soother either and never has done, his teeth will be super duper. Oh, yeah, he even has teeth now! Doesn't time fly? He is on the move I don't dare turn my back for a moment to go into another room unless he is in his jumparoo or his bumbo otherwise he will roll or shimmy to god knows where!
Everybody comments on him and says what a beautiful, happy, contented little boy he is. Personally, I would have loved to do the whole marriage thing, and bring up a child with both a mother and father but things don't always happen the way you want. And logically, you could be married but the Dad could kick seven shades out of the mother every night and mess the child up big time, or you could have a single parent who is extremely happy and brings up the child extremely well. Who is more likely to turn out better?
I'm content alone and he has many people around him that love him and adore him. He is the happiest baby I have seen in a long time. He is my world. My absolute world.

I am about to go to a lecture and the professor is so strict I don't dare turn up late, no way!
I will write more later and I shall post some photos of Carson, you have to say how big he has got.
Also, I am on Day 4 of no drinking, I have decided I need to lose weight and I have a feeling the thing stopping me is all that calorific beer!

Golly... I don't drink, smoke or take drugs! What left is there to do? Oh yeah, love my son, learn and finally do some living.

Parenting dilema #1 of many

Happy Smiley Carson

I'm in love and happy with my son and yes, I once used to scoff when I heard such things as "they make life worth living" or "they are the light of my life" but I no longer do. Well, actually, thats not correct, I still do as I think 'come on, can't we be a little more creative?' but I get it now. I understand. Its the truth. I can't put into words what I feel for this little lad. I love my twin nieces and nephew beyond belief, but despite this great love for them, it differs to this. I shall note it is not less. I cannot put my finger on it exactly but I suppose it is because my nieces and my nephew had my sister, their Mum to be the protector. But with Carson, I know he depends totally exclusively on me. There is nobody else that will do that. So I have to be OK 24/7, there 24/7, oncall 24/7... Already things are starting to split me in half. My sister got her degree last year and had been searching for a job for ages but had no luck. The market in the UK didn't hold out much hope of throwing up a part-time job for her so she agreed she would look after my son while I was at University until a space became available at a nearby nursery. As it happens, the waiting lists are either shut or open but with no hope of a place until at least September 2012. So, I'll have to get a childminder, if I can. But that is where the split comes in; although my Nanna was a childminder, who was absolutely brilliant and most of the kids she looked after called her Nan too, in my experience I haven't come across many people with this personal touch. My nan is 85 now and although she does look after family kids, I don't want to make her have the baby. Don't get me wrong, she loves her grandkids and great-grandkids but she is retired now for a reason. My son is just hard work! I'm still not getting to sleep in my bed as he refuses to be put in his moses basket so I have to sit up with him all night, and during the day he refuses to be left alone even for a second while I go take a piss! He starts screaming hysterically! I fuss him like hell (well, cut me some slack, I am his mum!) and in a way, I really don't want to leave him, but if I have to, my sister was first choice. But I'm glad she has got a job. I was actually due to start uni on September 12th, after giving birth on August 5th but University here in Cambridge offer January starts thank god, so I jumped at the chance when they offered me this. I would love to leave it till Sep 2012 but I can't unless I want to pay double as University fees are going up.  If Carson werent here I wouldn't care about the debt, but the whole point of me wanting to go to Uni is to get a degree so I can get a good job to look after him and make sure he is OK. So, its stay at home and end up an extra £10-15k in debt or go now and have him looked after by someone I don't know. That thought simply already fills me with dread and makes me sick. I just picture undercover programmes on unfit nannies who maltreat the kids, articles on sex offenders whose inknowing partners were childminders... Ha, I feel like this and I'll only be leaving him one day and two half days a week! So... as of now, I'm madly going around trying to get care. I hope I can handle it, I'm sure I can. Things are going well, but the past is always there lingering, especially like it tends to in small places like Cambridge. I don't know, I'm being applauded in many ways but its like two steps forward, and two back all the time. I'm stationed in this exact place, and I can't seem to move on no matter how hard I try.
Sometimes I wish I was just totally down in the dumps again, thoroughly miserable, hopelessly depressed. Sounds odd when right now part of me can be happy. Though, when its like this, I find it a million times worse. Because before, there were no glimpses of happiness, and it had been so long since I'd felt it, I'd long forgotten it. Now I get the occasional flash, or rush when I'm with my boy and it just brings a wave of sadness right after as I know for me, its unobtainable, as it was for my Dad and many other relatives and it frightens me what affect I will have on Carson as he grows older, or how he might be affected genetically.
I try not to think about it too much. I try and just focus on my boy, who right now is sitting on my lap. He will be eleven weeks on Friday 21st. Judging by all the people from the drug scene in Cambs who have had their kids taken away, kids don't always change you to such a degree you completely change. So far, all my habits have but most worryingly, my thoughts haven't. It's odd, I'm not depressed but I know I'm not cured. There's something in the water still.

quick little hi while he is down!

I have just put my son down underneath his gym, and while I should take advantage of the rare moments in which he doesn't cry to be held, I can't help but watch him! I've put loads of his toys around the gym, of course, he can't play with any of them yet but they have a variety of sounds. My particular favourite is the Fisher Price Precious Planet Lion Crib Mirror. It is beautiful; a large lion whose body is a big mirror with hanging rattle shapes. I read that mirrors are very good for babies so I purchased it from amazon before he was born. He has been staring at it for the past ten minutes or so. Bless him, making all manner of facial expressions in it. I don't know what age babies smile 'properly'  but I still find it sweet to see him do so, whether it be wind as people say or merely him twitching his face. He is a baby that usually hates to be put down but under the guidance of a parenting book, I'm slowly reversing it. However, now he is older (5 weeks) and more alert, he enjoys being put down and he explores. Something he wasn't doing when he was on my chest 24/7! He contentidly lies there observing his surroundings. I take him out in my SleepyWrap which I much prefer to his pram, he hated his pram and would scream as soon as I stopped pushing it, so at the supermarket I would get into a right tizz as I was trying to pack my groceries while people tutted at me because of my screaming baby! The sleepywrap is just a strip of fabric you tie, at first I didn't know how to do it or was more nervous I hadn't got it right, but once I looked at a video on youtube I realised where I was going wrong and cracked it. My sis had a normal babycarrier and she didn't like it, she likened it to a ghostbusters backpack!! Baby didn't like it either. It always looked as if his head was jerking around in it whereas with this fabric, it moulds to his body and supports his head so its not flopping about. It was £40 and I ordered it on the spur of the moment because my wrists were really painful and had seized up, I guess from cradling him all day. Literally, it was hard to move them or change a nappy etc. but because I was the only one there, tough titty, had to be done!! He would scream if I put him down so it was impossible to get in the bath, wash-up, tidy, hoover... if I wanted to do any of this I had to get my mum or sis or friends or babies Dad round to hold him while I done whatever I wanted to get done! I was doing everything one handed but I  couldn't cook or use the kettle as I was petrified holding the baby and using my one hand would result in a disaster. So I scanned through Amazon and picked the one wrap and phew, its a life saver. I love and live for Amazon now! So easy! I don't get on the internet much anymore, so I purchased a BlackBerry Curve. Wow...what a piece of shit! I am going to return it to Tesco. I haven't been able to connect to the internet once on my own wifi or any other wifi either. I am on Virgin and I see many people have this problem. Now I'm looking at other phones and I really dont know what to get... my mum has an iphone and says get that but I don't want to commit to that as I'm going to university and won't be on any statesupport so I can't afford such a luxury. i could buy it for payasyougo, non-contract but thats nearly £500 and I could save that money for the house to make it nicer. Basically, what phone should I go for that is £200 or under? I want it for blogging, twitter, facebook and calls and texts. I have a really good seperate camera anyway so I'm not too fussed about that. I love HTC's also. Maybe I should just get a contract? OOOOps, baby is starting, wow, he lied alone for all of ten minutes! I keep on reading these parenting books but no decent advice on how to get a baby to sleep in a crib when he hates to be put down and wakes up as soon as he is! Some say its because he is breastfed, I don't know about that however. Even when a baby is bottlefed, he is in your arms for the same amount of time and getting close to you, so its not as if my baby is held more. Well he is, as he cries when I put him down but you know what I mean. I think I need to go to a breastfeeding clinic and get some advice, as this advice is coming from people that bottle feed. I hate the great breastfeeding -v- bottle debate, it causes some real amniosity between people and heated arguments. Personally, its up to you. My mum for instance, didn't breastfeed my sister or I. Not sure why, she hasn't really given a reason. She was indeed a nurse, but when we were born in the 80s I don't think the BREAST IS BEST drive was that intense. It is very interesting to listen to attitudes regarding breastfeeding. When I was in hospital afterwards, I heard women that simply went "urgh, im not doing that" as if it were disgusting. fair enough if thats how they felt. others werent so forthcoming with their reasons for why they werent going to, but they instantly went for the formula. statistics show that social class is something that affects whether a mother will choose to do so. you would think lower classes, thus with less money would breast feed as its by far the cheaper option but no, upper classes are more aware of the health benefits and go for BF. I definately noticed most people my age formula fed thats for sure. I don't know what makes my attitude so starkly different or anything. I can't speak for everyone, but while Carsons Dad comes around (he bought him so beautiful outfits yesterday) he doesn't live with me and I have the time and privacy to devote to breastfeeding. I know its the most natural thing in the world and shouldn't be shameful, too right, but I know some women find it uncomfortable infront of their partners. Shockingly, a member of my family had her son after previously having a child and desperately wanted to breastfeed, so she put her heart and soul into it. Her partner was so utterly unsupportive. I was round their house one night and went into the kitchen to get a cup of tea while the mother had a nap. I saw the Dad with the baby giving him a bottle of formula and it dawned on me what the cause of the problem was- the mother was in tears that her baby wouldn't feed from the breast. Why? The Dad was supplementing the baby with bottles behind the mums back before the Mum went to feed him, no wonder he wasn't feeding from her he was stuffed. I was gobsmacked. The Dads motive- jealousy maybe? I don't know but it was bloody bizarre. I have heard from others that dads have behaved similarly, have wanted the women to give up as they feel a little left out, whether its because they want to take the strain off the mum or because genuinely they are jealous of the close bond I don't know. I don't have that problem. Perks about being a single parent, at least thats one of them I suppose. Baby Carson was sooooo tiny when he was born but now, wow! When you are with a baby everyday you don't notice them growing. It wasn't until I looked at his suite, one that was hanging off him in the hospital so much we had to fold up the arms and legs, and noticed his feet touched the ends and his hands were far far out of the arms and he had basically nearly outgrown it. He looks far less dinky and delicate now and is getting that lovely baby fat they have! He has a lovely double chin- takes after his mum in this aspect definately!! I realised the other day that I hadn't give him adult music to listen to. He has his toys with nursery rhymes but before he was born I read New Scientist which explained studies had found babies could recognise music they had been exposed to while in utero. Maybe at 5 or 6 weeks I had left it too late (though how would I know? this was my front room not a labatory setting!) but I thought I better give him some to listen to. So, I whacked on some Elvis and Beatles but most importantly, this Ska album that I had played constantly throughout my pregnancy. He seemed awfully puzzled by these new noises, and kept amused for a good half an hour or so. I got some nice Philips speakers to connect to the laptop so I can hear music decently. Carsons Dad is a guitarist and a brilliant singer, I hope baby takes after him and doesn't inherit my singing voice!! I know, I know, my birth story... still have yet to write it! I will! Perhaps this afternoon! Though that probably translate as in two weeks to you guys! I will certainly post new pics xxx hope you are all well

Introducing... Baby Carson!

...Baby Carson Garry Cave...
...Born 5th August 2011 at 11.19pm, 5lbs 12oz...

my twin nieces and my momma holding baby

sorry i have not posted sooner! i am happy to announce the arrival of Carson Garry Cave. he was originally due on the 10th anniversary of my fathers death which was the 24th, so it felt more important than ever to have his grandfathers first name as his middle one. i am so happy, especially since he was home within a week- absolutely no effects from the medication i take! i had taken it down and down so i was hoping and begging it wouldn't happen to us and alas, it didn't- phew! he had to go on a bilibed as he had jaundice, hence why he was in hospital for a week but thats all sorted- apparently, its quite common in small babies born before 38 weeks, and he was born at 37. we are getting on fine, just fine :) my momma slept over the first night but then i was keen to go it alone and get used to the two of us being together and also, getting used to sleep deprivation! which he has given me a lot of- basically, he hates to be put down, and won't. however, he went down for 2 naps yesterday, 6 hours in total. good, because i was so exhuasted as i couldnt doze off holding him as i was scared id roll ontop of him or something, and i couldn't cook anything or eat anything as one handed it was too tricky! and as for getting in the bath- ha! no way, unless somebody came over to help me and have him while i jumped in. Luckily, i live within 5 mins of my family; sis, mum, grandparents and they have been such massive help. I will post again later, including about the labour! I was given pessary gels for 2 days but nothing worked, then in the afternoon of the 5th they broke my waters and labour progressed thick and fast- it was about 5 hours, or just over. It was fine once I had gas & air and an epidural and hats off to my sister for fainting as my little boy came into the world- she always has to steal the show!!! my momma was torn between carefully lowering her to the floor as her legs buckled from underneath her and watching her grandson come into the world. Well, i'm about to take Carson to the store for supplies, he is just finishing a feed. he loves to scream blue murder everytime im in the store, and people tut and roll their eyes- jesus, he's a baby what can i do apart from locking him indoors so nobody else has to hear him cry? ive just dressed him in his little grey and blue outfit which consists of jeans, a hoodie and a lil grey vest. he looks like a mini-man! ALSO: great news! my university says i can start in january instead of september 12th so i have a bit longer to spend at home with Carson. yay!

being induced on august 3rd!

OK, after 2 months 19days and 8 hours (80 days + 8 hours) of being aware I was carrying a little boy, I am going to be induced! Wednesday 3rd August, 8am.

For anyone that has glanced at my blog, you'll see my amniotic fluid went up, then down, then back up again! Now its down again. I was originally going to have to have him out at 32 weeks, but things returned to normal and he has held on in there. He was breech till the last minute, but has now turned head down, so no c-section for me no more! I'm going to have to have a natural birth after all... which doesn't bother me too much as I was told a c-section would be very painful for me as they couldn't give me more morphine for relief and my tolerance level meant the standard amount wouldnt touch me!

I still can't believe I am going to be a momma. I have this baby moving inside me, but I can't quite believe there is really one in there, if that makes ANY sense! I have everything ready, including an Eric Carle HUNGRY CATERPILLAR nursery, which also doubles as my room. His name is going to be CARSON :)

His original due date was 24th August, so 3rd August is 37 weeks, which is considered full term anyway. Considering I found out so increadibly late, I've done pretty well. I recently graduated from college, I passed the course, and now have my place at University for September where I will study Social Policy. Luckily, my sis will have my boy. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I stopped drinking and I was abstinant from street drugs and ciggies anyway. Ironically though, I was told I'd of been better off not drinking, and taking heroin instead. Im petrified my baby will have FAS as i was boozing all day everyday until I found out :( I hope not, but I;ll love him regardless. I have decided not to drink for the foreseable future, I don't want to risk it at all. I can't do what my Dad did to me, to my son and I won't. I'm still good friends with an ex chief constable regarding drug policy and the need for change. I don't regret my time as a heroin addict for one reason only; i feel its given me the unique position to assist others and change things for the better. i know that may sound corny, and it is, but its also true. I wouldn't be who I am without those years and yes they hurt a lot of people, damanged my health and took years of my life, but its also changed me for the better in some ways.

Any parenting advice is much appreciated :) So come september I will have a baby, a university degree education beginning... things have really turned around. I mean, they had before, but obviously, my son has compounded this even more. To be told I'd never have children was one thing, but finding out i was 25weeks pregnant was another! I;ll let you know how I get on anyway. I was at the bottom of the pit, on deaths door, had nothing, was so fucking miserable... my probs aint gone away but im much better so im a testimony to y'all that it gets better, and it does.

r.i.p amy winehouse

To say drugs have been a major part of my life for as long as I can remember, both voluntarily & involuntarily, is probably the worlds biggest understatement. I try to not let that define me, but it is difficult not to at times. Despite realising I don't have to follow a career working with addicts or develop friendships & relationships with certain individuals because my primary motivation is to save them from themselves... it is still hard to divorce myself from all things drug related. I don't know how detrimental that is at the moment- I mean, it is not stopping me from moving on and I'm getting a good political and social education as I am constantly following drug policy in various countries, and drug cultures around the world for example. Though, its inevitable I remain pretty sensitive when people comment on the subject, especially if it is derogatory. When Amy Winehouse was found dead this Saturday 23rd July, the news spread rapidly aided by Facebook, Twitter & texts to name a few. I found out within moments of the news breaking; I turned off my TV, locked up and left for my sisters house a mere 10 minutes away. When she opened the door she asked me "Oh my god, have you heard the terrible news?" and I must say, my stomach knotted as it was the same thing I had been told when I lost my close friend to suicide. She must have picked up on this because she immediately told me, stopping my mind from conjuring a list of disasters that might have befallen one of my family in the time it took to leave mine and arrive at hers. This is the same thing I do when I get a phone call in the early hours of the morning, before I pick up the receiver my mind is racing through a million-and-one tragedies that I might be told in a moment, and I guess its my way of preparing. As I logged online, I prepared myself for the harsh comments and cruel words and I wasn't let down I can assure you. They seemed to outweigh the 'with sympathies'. Maybe I shouldn't expect too much of others who haven't had direct experience with addiction, or at the very least learn to not be so offended. But I can't help it. And I couldn't. I went through a list of them, declaring she was just a dirty junkie that deserved to die. "Good riddance smackrat" was another. "She bought it on herself", "She wanted to die", "So what?" and "What about soldiers dying for our country? Or the tragedy in Norway. Why is she getting all this coverage?" I probably shouldn't have wasted my time but I felt I needed to explain to the person that our culture holds celebrities in extremely high-esteem and they always receive major coverage, and until we find politics more pressing than reality tv stars or singers, deal with it. Or buy a different paper or watch a different news channel. People were saying she got what she deserved, and she wanted it. I very much doubt it. While you are in the depths of addiction, you care little for living and you think little of life and you may believe you would prefer death to it. But once you get clean, that feeling goes instantly in most cases. Others commented that she didn't want to help herself, even though she had access to some of the best. Who knows, if she had lived longer, her recovery may have been right round the corner, or a year, 5 years or 10 years down the line. It takes people a long time to end up like they do, so its only plausible it will take an equally lengthy amount of it to change. An addict needs to hit rock bottom, I know that is a cliche but it is true, and only then do they know things have to change, and they either make the first step or they don't. Up until then, you can try whatever you want and so can they- but it will be unsuccessful in getting them to get and stay clean. Its absolutely awful she will never have this chance. Any loss of life is greatly sad, but it especially leaves a bitter taste in the mouth if they happen to be young, and at 27, Amy was precisely that. When a death occurs at the age of 80 or so, you can console yourself with the fact they had a good innings, and lived to really experience many things... and despite the lifestyle she had 27 is still far too young to go. I am 23, 27 is not that much older, and I don't believe at that age you are remotely wise or mature enough to decide whether you wish to piss your life up the wall until you end it. You may think you want to, but on reflection- on sober reflection, they usually discover its not the case. I cannot begin to imagine for a second how her family must be feeling. As it is so soon, there will be feelings of utter disbelief. Comments suggested it was a long time coming, and her family would be prepared, but thats not true. It doesn't matter how long somebody has been carrying on living a destructive life, no matter how much you think you are prepared for it, when it happens, its surreal and unreal. In fact, the longer somebody goes on with their hard living, the more shocking it usually is because their bodies coped through such abuse, you think it will forever. I know this from personal experience. The grieving process is notoriously difficult. I can't imagine what it would be like with the added pressure of being in the spotlight, and having all and sundry commenting on your daughters life and what you should of done to help her, what you didnt do..,. and of course those comments on how she put herself there and basically deserved it. Poor family. I hope wherever she is now, she is at peace. I know I am totally oversensitive to the topic of drugs, and I probably need to toughen up. I can take it when people say things against me, I have incredibly thick skin, but I always feel more hurt for others and feel the need to defend them. And this case is no different, even though I never knew her. I have to wonder though, would Amy be dead if our drug policy weren't so bloody useless? Maybe not. Probably not.